MY GULCH...

A day with the Ulingan Kids, please support us!

2012-01-16T12:50:00.003+08:00

We will sponsor one Saturday for the Ulingan Kids in Tondo on February 4. Please help us raise the funds we need. We will also distribute hygiene kits to 200 kids for them to use.

All proceeds will go to Project Pearls. To know more about their programs and their advocacy, please visit their site at: www.projectpearls.org

Ulingan Kids in Tondo and meeting Sidney (yea, the famous Sidney Snoeck)

2012-01-09T12:04:00.008+08:00

“The lives we touch will touch many others. When you bring encouragement, humor, hope, fun and positive energy, you touch lives you have never met. That’s the Ripple Effect. Life is short and time is precious. Waste not a single minute.” – Michael Potter

Oki and I met Sidney on a Saturday morning to go to Ulingan, a slum and garbage dumpsite community in Tondo, Manila. Sidney picked us up together with the other volunteers who would joined the outreach. We got there on-time. Oki specifically told me that Sidney would not wait for late-comers. I smiled and said, "of course, we should be there on time. Filipino time is always on time!"

Everything I know about the PEARLS Project, I first heard from Sidney and then from Oki when she reiterated that we should volunteer and so I searched about it. It was from here that we decided to sponsor one Saturday to feed and teach 200 kids and (perhaps) sponsor at least a scholar. To do this, we would solicit from friends and people we know. All proceeds will go to PEARLS. This will be on Feb. 4. Oki asked me to make a poster for this activity so that it's easier to solicit and spread the word.

Everything is in order (as of the moment). A lot of our friends had already signified their interest and pledges for the activity. I will post the poster here soon.

Anyway, our first experience in Ulingan was exhausting but definitely rewarding. I have no problems with poor sanitation, lack of water, dust, rats...but I was having a rough time getting through the thick, black smoke coming from the Ulingan factory. But anyways, I managed.

I encouraged Oki to go there again before our Feb 4 outreach, if time permits. I fell in love with the Ulingan kids. They are so "malambig" (sweet) ... but my heart breaks for their conditions. They seem to be contented with what they have amidst the extreme poverty and the health risk caused by the ulingan factory. I wish there would be medical missions for PEARLS. I wish I could do more!

Oh, did I just mention I met Sidney already? After eight years, he said, we met in the flesh! A nice fella as I have expected him to be. He doesn't like his photos to be taken, but I guest I was too stubborn to follow such a request (or was it an order?). I also met his adorable son, Bryan, a nice-looking kid who speaks Dutch, French, English, Filipino, and Bicol. He plays rugby! :)

I miss being with the kids

2012-01-03T11:17:00.002+08:00

I just came from an outreach that my DGroup conducted recently in a rehab center in Taguig. I love doing outreach activities for the kids. I think more than the help I could give and the time I could spend with them, they are giving me much more than I could offer. Spending time with them, seeing the smiles on their faces, and feeling their gratitude as if we have already given them the future (when in fact it was just a day)…is the most rewarding feeling which I could not contain. It's like I wish I could give them more...

This February, a friend, OKI is organizing another outreach activity. She’s eyeing the Pearl Project as the beneficiary. We first saw and learned about it through Sidney. Oki is already based in Japan and will return in March so hopefully everything goes smoothly before she leaves the country.

People cry not because they are weak.

2011-10-19T13:35:00.002+08:00

It's because they have been too strong for too long.

There are those things that you can only do when you have the time in your hand

2011-09-29T17:32:00.009+08:00

It was early morning when work was cancelled. There’s no electricity in the apartment so my housemate and I still opted to go to the office hoping that we could finish some last minute work. Ho and behold the electricity in the office was cut too—all because of typhoon Pedring. The wind was howling and our umbrella were not spared from the strong winds. Nowhere to go, we opted to find refuge at the mall. The mall was operated by a generator so some of the stalls were closed, the main mall was like an oven in medium range. We went to all the bookstores we could find and practically spent the whole day in a coffeeshop reading the books we bought.

I been wanting to do this—spent a whole day in a coffeeshop reading a book. Life as they say is a moment. And you get to do this only if you have the time in your hands. After some hours in the coffeeshop, cups of cappucino and americano, I finished the book and felt happy for that one particular, stormy day. Perspective is everything. :-)

Inspirational books--very timely for such a stormy weather.

I had 2 cups. I am starting to love this coffee shop. :-)

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[random thoughts...]

I will be in Bukidnon next week for a 4-day coverage. I hope every thing works well. The 'segment producer' will not be around so I'll have to make amends.

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"Perspective is everything" -- a mantra I choose to chant every morning.

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she fights, like a loyal soldier she does
in minds, in spirit--she fights
sometimes she wins,

in most cases she (just) gives in

never for the lack of will,

never for the lack of hope,

she gives in because she got tired--

tired of waiting.

* someone wrote in my journal, a girl I know in spirit (only)*

In life, sometimes you just can't pick on the colors you like and wear it

2011-09-26T09:50:00.009+08:00

That's because sometimes, the color that you like is not available or out-of-stock. My point is, although we were meant to believe that we do have a choice, the truth is sometimes (or most of the times), we don't.

In the photo: A young lady is picking a summer dress for my niece. I asked for pink, but they don't have it so I opted for the aqua blue.

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[random thoughts...]

The other day, a guy friend told me something that put me at the edge of my seat (figuratively). He was taking his usual drag that night and I noticed his sullen face. I asked him why he's been sad the past few days. Right then, he told me what's bothering him. I didn't even know that my observation was valid. I feel for him. He's been a nice friend and I hope everything turns out well for him. I wanted to reach out but I promised to keep every thing just between us. He's my male version--we like to keep things to ourselves. Letting other people think that we're okay even though we're rotten inside.

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The last few days, I have realized one thing and one thing only: EVERYONE is graduating except me! A friend of mine who's taking her Master's in Antwerp has just gotten her diploma recently, she'll be coming home next month and celebrate the good news with us. Another one from my friends just texted me last night that she passed her comprehensive exam in De La Salle and she will be graduating this coming March. Geezus.

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"I broke the silence and he broke my heart."

If I touch your hand, would you avoid it?

2011-09-23T10:44:00.005+08:00

Once, you told me about this girl who tried to hold your hand and how in an effort not to hurt her feelings, you change the topic of your conversation and avoided touching her hand. And then you asked me, wondering why after that incident, “di na siya nagparamdam”. Sa isip ko lang, "manhid ka ba or nagpapansin lang?" Then I felt (sorry) for the girl.

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[random thoughts...]

I miss going to my favorite bookstore. It's too far from the office and the only thing I could do after work is go home and pray that I would be able to sleep (earlier) than usual. My body has been aching for ENOUGH sleep. But this stupid brain is monkey-hunting again.

I overshoot my expenses last month, hence the need to deprive myself of the "luxuries" -- I want new books, a new prime lens, a new watch, and a new backpack. blah. dream on!

I miss having coffee with myself. =/ I miss singing in a videoke with my friends. I miss Korean food.

I wanted to watch the DFF Concert. I wanted to see Sunshine Corazon sing live. Bullocks, they have overpriced the tickets. Was it because Michael Bolton was in it? Bleh. Antayin ko na lang sa youtube, hehe.

I received my official invitation from China yesterday. Hmm.

Sometimes you think too much that you miss out on the important details

2011-09-21T16:48:00.007+08:00

I was awakened by a deafening silence. I searched for the clock and it said 3:30 AM. I remembered closing my eyes at around 2 AM and my mind went on “monkey-hunting” again—wondering from places to places, only to end up to this lingering image…yours.

In the photo: Salagdoong Beach, Siquijor

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[random thoughts...]

I was a bit rude to MB (or so I think). I felt he was reaching out to me but I was busy with feeling "toxic" that I did not care enough. "Kamusta ka na?" he asked. "Ahm, okay lang." I replied. Then he asked again, "are you really okay? parang hinde eh." He was right, I felt ill that day. I hate saying it but he reads me so well.

If every thing works out well, I will be in Beijing in November. I've been dreaming of Badaling. Hopefully I get to "walk in to these great walls".

I have been stonewalling again. =(

I have been thinking on the idea of buying a prime lens but there's just too many expenses to consider first. I want a new TNF backpack.

October 25--> a date I should remember.

I have been alone with you inside my mind

2011-09-15T16:56:00.003+08:00

I am addicted to the horrible pain of wanting somone so unattainable.

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You could see me reaching...so why couldn't you have met me half way? ~ Incubus

The space between us...

2011-07-12T10:54:00.005+08:00

...although invisible, will always set both our hearts apart.

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[postscript]

Off to Baras in a while...

In celebration of Photo Cache's 5-Year of Blogging

2011-07-05T16:27:00.006+08:00

So far, this has been one of my favorite photos. I love this shot simply because it evokes so much life, exuberance, and fulfillment--things that most of us adults fail to have.

Here's to five years and more, Photo cache! *High five for 5!* =)

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[postscript]

I am bound for the South tomorrow. Weather forecast cautioned a typhoon coming this Thursday, I hope our shoot goes well.

A friend of mine celebrated his birthday yesterday and invited us for dinner at Gilligan's. It was just him, his gf and 3 more friends. I was aching not to go because I was all exhausted that day and I had to finish the book which we are about to launch this August. I have so much things going on in my head and the lack of sleep has not been helping much.

I was thinking of a gift for someone. But my head bleeds. Is he that difficult to please? Or it's me who's making it difficult to choose? Either way, I just wanted to give him something that he could use and that he will remember me when he's using it. =)

The heart is a lonely hunter

2011-06-30T21:10:00.006+08:00

You're always looking out for her...making sure she's okay, making sure she's being cared for...even from a distance; exactly what I have been doing...always looking out for you.

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[postscript]

sabi niya: Isang libro lang ang value mo, di sapat para i-book launch.

sabi ko: Okay lang, hardbound naman at dahil nag-iisa, hard to find.

Extending horizon and changing perspective

2011-06-16T08:50:00.006+08:00

I have extended my horizon for my own comfort. Not extending it too much because I love my status quo.

Most of my friends have either moved into another country, got married, well established in what they do. My best buddy is now a mom (a dream come true). Someone just got two interviews for a well-compensated jobs at ADB and IRRI. Someone just bought her 2nd car. Someone is opening her own business line. Where the heck am I? Stuck in my own comfortable but "unchallenging nook".

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love what I am doing. I may not have (all) the money to afford a new car and or a new house...as my salary does not even compensate for my vices (photography, traveling, etc.) but I get by. It's just that, I feel like I need to be somewhere else. Did you ever get that feeling wherein you feel like you are not supposed to be where you are? But then again you do not know where you're supposed to be. Crazy shit.

Yesterday, the boss informed me about a foreign travel. "Rayts you will be our official representative for this activity." I smiled ( a formal, casual one). The same smiled I gave him when he told me I will be on a one-week official trip to South Korea.

I've been eyeing to go to this country and I have it in my hand right now. In November, if every thing pushed through, I will be there. Walking between those Great Walls, and if I get lucky, (perhaps) it will be winter when I get there.

I guess somehow, I need to change my perspective. And perhaps see what's ahead.

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And I whispered to the guy beside me...

2011-06-15T08:34:00.004+08:00

"Excuse me but I need my sustenance."

I was on my 6th cup of coffee when I felt the urge to unload. I was having some information overload and it was only 2 in the afternoon, we have yet to listen to at least four more plenary presentations. The thing was, there were more than 500 people inside the hall and I was at least 20 feet away from where the coffee was. I had to go through a lot of people, invading their listening pleasure (to which I doubt if they are able to absorb all of them since some of them refused to move already). But then again we have to endure the remaining more hours because we paid P2,500 just to get an inside peak to this event.

Interestingly, I learned a lot. I am not an economist nor an engineer; a scientist nor an IT expert; definitely I did not graduate from Harvard or Stanford (as most of the speakers are); not an entrepreneur either but somehow, I was able to survive.

I told my colleague: "Nanotechnology...get that? Do you know any other term for that? It's molecular manufacturing!" He argued on me on that, but I knew better. I already searched it in Google while the speaker was lecturing the hullabaloos about the subatomic level and the quantum realm.

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I was taking your photo...

2011-06-10T12:38:00.002+08:00

...while you take your time taking the photo of another. And then you whispered to me, "Pretty isn't she?"

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You clasp your hands, close your eyes and let your heart speaks

2011-06-07T11:55:00.006+08:00

One thing I could clearly remember from my childhood is that I was a prayful kid. Influenced by a religious mother, praying was the first thing she ever taught me and my two siblings. I enjoyed praying when I was a kid, it was like talking to an invisible friend and he's grantings my wishes. Then I grew up. I had problems believing in the unknown. People whom I called authorities in the field started blocking my incurable quest to know and to question things. Blind faith was something I could not reckon with. Then came college and every thing was messed up. I was no longer that prayful kid and my mother called me an heretic, worst she called me a follower of Satan just because I refused going to church.

Later in life something happened along the way. And I started praying again...enjoying my quiet time. Sometimes, I think I have been praying too hard that I have been getting immediate answers.

Except for this one thing that I’ve been praying for (a long time). It seems to bounce off heaven’s door.

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[postscript]

* masyado ka lang bang makulit na ganoon na lamang niya pagbigyan ang kahilingan mo? O sadya ka lang malakas sa kanya?

* A close friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy yesterday morning. This is how she informed me via SMS: "Rayts, he came out na, this AM. healthy." As simple as that. This gave me a five-second smile. I got excited. Her dream of becoming a mom to a baby boy came true. We shared the same dream, mine I think is far from happening...at least not any time soon.

Slice of my heart, slice of my cheesecake

2011-06-03T14:42:00.006+08:00

I do not exactly know when and how this addiction for cheesecake started but perhaps, it's because i love cheese.

Last night, Deb, Dax and I went to UNO in Tomas Morato to taste their famous cheesecake. It ranks 3rd in SPOT’s Top 10 Cheesecakes in Manila (along with Miss Desserts, Chelsea, Mamou, Opus, Robot, Lu, Starbucks, Burough, and Cake Club). Among the 10, I was pleased most with what UNO has to offer. No add-ons, no glaze, no whipped cream on top, no fruit bits, no shavings. I like my cheesecake plain and simple. Exactly what UNO has to offer. So when I learned that UNO was near my work area, I planned a visit. Last night, I have finally tasted it.

Simply said, UNO’s cheesecake was heavenly. The description was true: Deceptively simple but oh-so sinful. Although it was slightly dusted with powdered sugar it wasn’t too sweet so you’ll crave for more. A forkful of its feathery layers melts inside your mouth that you’ll want to savor and keep on eating and craving for more slice.

For P65 you’ll get this heavenly slice and P650 for the whole cake. I will come back for more. =)

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[Random Thoughts]

I do not understand why some people would not commit or if they do they could hardly sustain what they have promised.

I have always promised to be better but life has a way of testing me.

Sabi niya: “Miss ko na sila!” (meaning: hindi ako kasama)

hang-ups and baggages

2011-06-02T15:27:00.010+08:00

I was at PowerBooks the other day. I had no money and no intention of buying any particular book. I just needed to wind away my time because I was early for this group meet at Figaro. As I was looking over the books, I found Doris Lessing’s “The Golden Notebook” which has a rather interesting quote at the back (or at least, it was something that struck my curiosity so I picked it up). I wanted the book.

For one, Lessing is British. Second, it’s a work that explores mental and societal breakdown or what Lessing referred to as "inner space fiction". Third, it’s included in TIME Magazine’s 100 best English-language novels (1923-present). But like I said, I had no money and had no intention of buying any particular book. Perhaps tomorrow.

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[Random Thoughts]

You know what they say about keeping things to yourself so as not to create fuzz or issues to other people? Well it’s true. But for me, I keep things to myself because I am afraid of people judging me. I tend to say things I don’t mean to say all because I want people to always feel good about themselves (even at the expense of hurting or belittling myself).

MB was in LB last weekend. He told me that their whole family was having a double-celeb for K and his dad. He said I could pass by the resort if I have the time. I said I’ll try. I told him it was my brother’s birthday. At the back of my mind, I had no intention of going. And then he asked: “Di ka na dumaan?” I said (in a joking manner): “Sabi mo lang naman dumaan e. Di mo naman sinabi yung pangalan ng resort”. He retorted: “I thought kung dadaan ka tatanungin mo kung saan.” What is wrong in this scenario??? Haha. My friend said, it was all on me. I am the problem. She told me, I do not know how to read a hint. Until now, I could not see the "hint". heck, if you asked someone to go somewhere, I think it's nothing but natural to immediately say where you wanted that person to go right? right? (or maybe my friend was right). I am the problem.

The other day I was craving for a slice of Uno’s cheesecake. Yesterday, it’s gelato-on-stick (pistachios). I wonder what will I be craving in the next few days.

We’re having this outreach program this coming Saturday. I was quite happy on the turnout of people who wanted to help us. I never thought I would come up with sponsorships for 43 kids. I still have a few pledges on my account and donations in-kind. Happy, happy. People are genuinely kind.

I am beginning to feel edgy about my thesis proposal. Looks like I need an overhaul and…FOCUS. Brrr!

I was singing it to you

2011-05-19T17:38:00.006+08:00

This morning, RX played my song. Out of nowhere, it played MeLee's Can't Hold On.

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears

But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years

Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said

'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

Geezus, this song can make me cry at an instant. There's that air of sadness in Cris Cron's voice that gets me every time I hear him sing. A feeling of grief that is way beyond explaining.

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[random thoughts...]

...i watched Thor with friends, but i felt so alone. i don't understand.

...i want to watch Angel Locsin's ITNOL (maybe later)

...i saw MB the other day. the time was weird because we didn't expect to see each other there. and it was weirder because i just waved and did not even bother approaching or talking to him. crazy deed.

...i miss Oki and her contagious laugh. wala ng malulutong na tawa sa bahay. =(

...i need good vibes! I've been getting bad ones the last few days.

...i miss Fiona, i miss my family =(

...i've accomplished a lot these week, but i feel empty as if they were not enough.

...i wanted to get out. soon.

...been haggling my case to HIM. I hope HE'd grant me my wish.

...he said this to me once: "I need some time away from you."

Nostalgic

2011-05-11T13:04:00.003+08:00

...that was the first word that came to mind. And no amount of diversion can cure the most nostalgic thought while you are at it.

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It is only in writings...

2011-05-02T12:28:00.001+08:00

…that you’ll get a piece of my mind and a piece of what I really wanted to say.

But even the most (seemingly) appropriate words seem to fail us when we need them.

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There are those that you’d rather admire from a distance…

2011-04-20T12:12:00.013+08:00

… mainly because it’s good for them, to remain unconscious and untouched. You want them to stay as they are, unknown of your existence.

About the Photo:

The sunflowers in UP Diliman are in bloom now. I was able to take photos during Miks' graduation. Flower power. Sunflower is one of my favorite subjects...there are just so many angles to explore. :-)

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{Random notes}

* After months of neglect and dilly-dally, I was able to finish Ha Jin’s Waiting. I am starting with a new book, Tim Lott’s White City Blue and so far, it’s quite interesting. I hope it won’t take me months before I finished it. Anyhow, I was amused after reading these lines:

“I know now that life is a habit, more or less. You do something, then you do it again, then again, and before you know it, that’s what you are, and that’s who you are, and you can’t imagine being anything or anyone else.”

* I have tasted the best cheesecake yesterday. It’s from Gumbo’s. The best part of course is that, I was sharing it with my favorite people.

* I gave K a bag of books yesterday and I was happy. It really feels good finding someone who has a huge appetite for reading books. And she’s just what, 11 or 12 years old? She said, her mom is also a voracious reader. I knew for a fact that her mom and I have exactly the same taste for music. And that she likes horses.

* It’s nice that I could talk to K with a little ease now. Even though she’s a little girl, I always feel like I am talking to someone my age (or perhaps more mature than me).

* K knows quite a bit about me. And I was quite a bit surprise. She knows I am a coffee addict. She knows I love books. She knows I love eating chicken. She knows I am awful when it comes to direction and she teases me about it. The other day, I told her that I love the smell of new books and that I smell them first before buying them. She finds it weird but she let me smell her new book.

* My mind tells me, I badly need some diversion. Sleeping (very) late is slowly taking over my body. I usually feel (really) weak and sleepy during the day. One time, he asked the condition of my sleeping problem and I told him, it's the same. I couldn't tell him that, partly...he was the reason I couldn't put myself to sleep. What a bummer!

* It's Holy Week...and I plan on working. There's just so much to do. =(

"UP is the only university in the country" ~ PNoy

2011-04-18T13:18:00.007+08:00

That was according to Ninoy Aquino Jr. as recalled by his son, President Noynoy Aquino III, in his speech yesterday during the 100th Commencement Exercise of the University of the Philippines-Diliman. President Noynoy or PNoy as he is fondly called, a graduate of the Ateneo de Manila University, served as the keynote speaker during the graduation rites. Well, a non-UP graduate can always argue on that, but being a UP graduate myself, I guess I have to agree. =)

I was at the commencement exercise yesterday because a friend of mine, Miks, was one of the graduates. She earned her Masters in Technology Management. I am so happy and proud of what she has achieved in a matter of time. I envy her discipline and determination.

Crowd shot of the 4,000+ graduates in their sablay.

PNoy was the keynote speaker during the commencement exercise. UP Diliman awarded him the Doctor of Laws degree (honoris causa). With her in the photo is his sister, Aurora Corazon "Pinky" Aquino-Abellada.

The graduates giving the speaker an applaud and a standing ovation.

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I hope, wish, and pray that I will be able to wear my sablay next year! *crossing my fingers*

Sige na Lord! Malapit na ko ma-kickout sa college eh. hehe!

My first pair of TOMS

2011-04-12T09:52:00.008+08:00

Last week, I bought my first pair of TOMS! I am planning of buying the limited edition (Journey is the Destination) when I get the chance. These shoes are really, really comfty! I guess, next to Chucks is Toms! (for me, at least).

If shoes make you feel better and it makes you wanna strut while walking comfortably, then I am all for it. This particular shoes is not just any ordinary pair of shoes. It comes with an advocacy. "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One."

and oh...did I mention it's navy blue? you know I like blue right? all shades of it.

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[p.s]

mb: how'd you know it was my hand in the photo?

me: because it's hairy!

Ethan Marcus

2011-04-11T11:15:00.004+08:00

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~ Maya Angelou

Yesterday, I was at St. Therese to be one of the godparents of my 11th godchild. Both his parents are my friends from the office. His mother was my schoolmate, my orgmate, my cubicle mate and has been a colleague of mine for more than five years now.

As we were attending the christening, two striped butterflies were hovering over us. They made their presence so visible that I was looking at them all the time. One of them would alight at a woman's skirt, at a man's shoulder while the other would hover on someone's head. The two butterflies stayed until the long and winding ceremony ended.

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I miss the owner of these eyes

2011-04-08T13:58:00.006+08:00

There are moments in your life when you really miss someone that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. And then you’ll feel bad about it because you know that "hugging them for real" won't just happen (at least at that moment when you miss them). And you couldn’t do anything about it. You just have to suck on it, pacify yourself, and hope that tomorrow you’ll be okay. One of the side effects of missing someone is that there’s this pang of pain inside you, this certain, nameless void that wouldn’t just go away no matter what you do. It’s like a monster that needs to be fed. It just won’t stop until that void is filled.

I was never vocal about anything. But at least here, I could (loudly) say what my heart wants to say...

"Aaah, I miss her laugh!" =(

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Cold water

2011-04-06T11:53:00.010+08:00

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

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Loneliness that roams

2011-04-04T09:58:00.004+08:00

In front of my pc is a post-it with a quote written on it. I got the quote from a book I borrowed and read some months ago. The quote got me thinking so I wrote it down. This morning, as I was reading it for the nth time, it hit me—the meaning of every word and how it is implicating me.

“There is a loneliness that can be rocked.

Then there is a loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down.”

There are people I miss seeing and talking to, but I have no means of doing that. Or I chose not to do anything. I’ll just miss them again and it’s bad going through the same thing everyday. Missing someone and they’re not missing you back. Or telling them that you miss them and they would tell you, “Oh I didn't even notice it was that long time already.”

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This is the 11th day. =(

I miss being in a beach. Or I guess the idea of being in a beach. I am not really a beach person. I like mountains first and foremost. I miss the waves. I miss the splash. And I miss looking at the happy people playing with the waves.

The problem with sleeping (really) late...

2011-04-01T10:10:00.003+08:00

...is that you get really, really sleepy when you are attending a meeting. No amount of caffeine could make this silly head awake. My head was drooping all the time. My eyes were shutting down on its own. Why do they have to schedule a meeting at two in the afternoon. Geezus.

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Bring your pain, but never wear it

2011-03-31T11:36:00.008+08:00

You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name

Forgive me for stalking you. It wasn’t me that gives the orders. I have left my being the day I met you. What's used to be there is not there anymore. The “person before” is nonchalant and safe. The “person now” is vulnerable and sensitive. She hungers for your whereabouts and your business. In fact, every bit of information (no matter how trivial) bothers the “person now”. So forgive the “person now” for stalking you and for knowing that things that should be kept aside and the things that should be left unsaid.

This morning, I read this French quote from de Scudery: “L'amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie.”

And it hit me like a hardball. It’s true, “Love makes life's sweetest pleasures and worst misfortunes”. Not only that, L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux. One is very weak when one is in love. But I am not. Or am I?

I want to grow old with you, unfortunately you have someone else in mind

2011-03-25T11:13:00.014+08:00

What I am to you is not real

What I am to you, you do not need

What I am to you is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains

And I'll ask for the sea

People have this annoying habit of wanting something that they knew they could not have. Always taking it as the “challenge” and they apply this (even) with people —wanting someone so bad they knew they could not have and when the time comes that they’ve been rejected they blame it on fate.

I cannot fight destiny. I cannot fight what was written. All I could do now is to "kill" this hope so that it will not spring again and I could move on with the next chapter of my life.

My love affair with cheesecake

2011-03-20T22:05:00.002+08:00

For a week, I have been craving for cheesecake. I asked some friends to recommend me a cake shop or a resto that I could go to. I have no time to survey places as I barely have time these days. I could not even afford to watch a movie. Tet and MB recommended the same store: Cheesecake Etc. I was told that they have it in Megamall so I rushed there with Miks last Friday hoping to finally end this craving. The guard said, “Mam, nag-close na po yung branch nila dito!” Sad. There’s another one at Podium but we have no time to go there as we have an appointment. So the craving had to be postponed.

Today, Sunday…I went to Podium and bought a slice for P150. The cheesecake was melting in my mouth. Heavenly!

The more one tries to avoid it, the more that it happens

2011-03-01T09:47:00.005+08:00

Just like an old photo glued on the wall, eventually it would peel off no matter how one tries to glue it back. Some things are not meant to be. In the same manner that some things are bound to happen even if you tried hard to avoid it.

---------

...and then he said to her: "I am not just into you."

He said it so naturally as if he was just commenting about the weather. He said that on her birthday. Choosing between being crushed by a roving truck and being eaten alive right at that moment--proved no difference to her. She died that day.

Standing out

2011-02-25T10:14:00.004+08:00

It’s hard to stand out in a crowd that is overpowering with wits and beauty. I am (just) a silver ring with no accents that no one would even dare look back. Around me are golds and emeralds.

But hey, thanks for looking back. For a fleeting moment, I felt like I have outshone them.

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Direction, not intention dictates destination

2011-02-22T16:50:00.006+08:00

Intention wanes and (often) changes. But once you set your direction on something, you must follow it. There's no one, distinct path to your goal but you are bound to choose which way to go. I am determined to go there (no matter what).

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I don't usually get envious about something. Not with money or material stuff. But last night, as I was looking at a photo of this girl in Nami Island, I felt the urge to be there. Suddenly, I felt like going there as well--the same feeling I had for Angkor Wat a few years back. It's more of a "need" rather than a simple want to be in that place. I feel like I ought to be there as well. No other reason, I just need to go there. I am crossing my fingers on this one. I hope my savings are enough to back me up.

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4 days and counting...i hope i will reach the end.

Roses are so overrated (and so is V-day)

2011-02-14T22:30:00.004+08:00

Some girl asked this guy if he could bring a rose to give to this girl who was then celebrating her birthday. The guy knew the implication of what the girl was asking and felt awkward about it. He knew better. So on the day of the girl's birthday, he did not bring a rose.

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Today is V-Day and it is also Etch's birthday. Yearly, we've been celebrating her birthday together with our other single friends, usually we go to a coffeeshop and talk until the day is over. A few minutes ago, we were at Conti's. Etch treated us for a nice, sumptous dinner. There we were, the five of us -- all single and happy. As we were about to start our meal, a lady from Conti's approached us and gave each one of us a long stem red rose. Hence, a rose on V-day.

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This morning I dreamt of Oki. I woke up feeling really bad. I could not remember the details of my dream (as I often do) all I know is, it was about Oki. I guess I just miss her. Her laugh most specially. =(

Watching you walk away is like anticipating a shortcoming

2011-01-31T16:54:00.008+08:00

The only difference is that, anticipating a shortcoming is (much) easier to do.

It’s true what Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave”. And it’s more difficult if you are the one being left behind or the one watching the other person leaves. That has always been the case. I wonder what it feels to be the one leaving. I hope you find what you're looking for because right at this moment, I may not be that vocal about it, but I already miss you (like hell). I had to get used to it. Talking to myself (at night).

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“Ang cute cute kase. One of my fondest memories of you. =)”

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we had a meeting a moment ago and the boss asked us if we could do a bible study once a week for spritual nourishment. if he had asked me about this last year, i would have run, never to be seen again. but because of a few certain things that i've been pondering on lately, i reckoned that, one should never be conclusive on things. justine bieber said: "never say never!"

All the pretty horses

2011-01-28T14:31:00.002+08:00

She loves rock music and keep it loud even with earphones. You fear that one day, she’ll have a problem with her sense of hearing because of that habit. Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Nirvana, Eddie Vedder. What are the odds? She loves books and traveling.

But most of all, she loves all the pretty horses and have been a great rider.

I am all that. Except that I’ve never ridden a horse.

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Last night, I went to see the movie, “Shaolin”. I thought it was a Jacky Chan film, it turned out that he was only playing a supporting role to Andy Lau. I never really expected much from the film as I just went there to be entertained. I never really had a plan of watching it. I just want to treat myself to a movie after going through a rigid exam. Surprisingly, I went home satisfied. The film imbued some nice realizations. Some really nice things to think about. What goes around, comes around.

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My boss confessed something that made me go through a lot of thinking lately. She asked: What do you value the most, loyalty or friendship?

We do what we do because of a certain conformity to what we think (and believe) is the best (or what is right). Not only because of self-preservation but because it is the right thing. But sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing.

And the truth that you'll find will always be the truth you hide

2011-01-26T09:03:00.006+08:00

There once were eyes that only saw you
But you never knew.
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear.

~ Collective Soul

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[postscript:]

…I asked someone to pinch my arm because I was sleepy. She cautioned me, “Masakit ako mangurot!” I assured her, “Try me. I have high tolerance for pain.” And like a good soldier, she did pinch me. And she fuckin’ pinched me hard.

Sometimes, even though it’s painful, one has to pretend it’s not. That has always been the name of the game. To continue to smile even though a dagger has been lunged into your heart.

One has to live comfortably amidst life’s misery

2011-01-24T13:03:00.009+08:00

...whether it’s impose or a lack of choice, what matter is you maintain your stance.

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[postscript:]

I went to see “Hereafter” the other day. I’ve always been attracted to "death" as a major plot for a movie. It’s amazing how a director could turn such cliché of a topic into something that is “much more” than what it is. I was never a fan of Clint Eastwood the actor. But Clint Eastwood the director is a revelation to me. He’s a rockstar! Okay, I may have exaggerated there a bit but, you’ll be the judge.

Invictus, Changeling, Million Dollar Baby, Mystic River, Bridges of Madison Country (and now Hereafter) – I love them all!

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I was at the bookstore yesterday and I bought a book. The title? “I Can Read You Like A Book” by G. Hartley (a former army interrogator) and M. Karinch (a nonfic writer). I don’t know exactly why I bought it but suffice to say, I need to graduate from being “clueless”.

just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed

2011-01-21T15:20:00.002+08:00

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it...

~ One Republic

In between a cup of coffee

2011-01-19T12:53:00.007+08:00

He sipped from his cup and instinctively continued our conversation which was momentarily abrupted. He was talking about his adventures in Palawan and his celebrity friends: Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion. I asked him if they're really an item (as the news insinuates). He smiled and told me to be the judge. He took his ipod touch and showed me the photos he took while they were on location. Apparently, the two celebrities were chosen by his client to be their endorsers. I listened while sipping from my cup. But I was multi-tasking. I was entertaining other thoughts in my head. I was thinking of another person (the one whom I wished I am sharing this conversation with).

The guy changed the topic and talked about our common friend, my classmate from college. Then he asked me: “How about you Rayts, do you have a husband?” I almost burst into a laugh. Good thing I already finished my cup. I gave him a crooked smiled. “Yes, I do. But only in my mind.” He doesn’t seem to hear what I (just) said. He knew I am single; he knew I have no husband. I wanted to ask him back: “How about you? I believe you are 38, how come you don’t have a wife?” Does he even appreciate levity in a moment of misunderstanding? I guess. As I have heard from his brother, he’ got the best sense of humor.

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[PS]

I went to see The Little Fockers the other day with Miks at Trinoma. Geezus, it was freezing cold inside the cinema. The weather has been fairly strange the past few days. It's colder now in Metro Manila, the wind is numbing on the cheek when you take a stroll at night. Inside the cinema was worst. I had to give my sweater to Miks. Between the two of us, I have higher resistance to cold (i think). By the time we finished the film, I could hardly make it to the exit. My feet were ice cold. Brr.

The movie sucked by the way. Sorry. But I could only count the very few times I laughed. The movie was cheesy, it broke the humor. I like the previous 2 Fockers flicks. =)

A glimpse of the moon

2011-01-17T17:44:00.009+08:00

A few minutes ago, I wrote:
Walking from this narrow, winding path
Cold wind numbing my cheeks
Against the dusky sky, denuded tree
I caught a glimpse of the moon
and amazingly—it looked back.

So why is it that I remember you every time I see the moon?

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I will continue to alight

2011-01-10T10:31:00.005+08:00

Last night I wrote:
Dark clouds feed into an innuendo.
A slight shake and everything tears down.
Make or break. That’s how powerful you are.

If and when the time comes that you have to leave because you need to pursue your dreams, I will continue to alight from this wispy, dangerous ground I am standing on. Or I’ll have to forcefully glue myself into it, so as not to break and fall.

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[postscript]

I watched Darren Aronofsky’s The Black Swan. And I have these things to say:

I have always like Natalie Portman since her “Leon: The Professional” days but I like her even more. The Black Swan is one of those “mind fuck” flicks. Yea, I think that is how they call it. It’s a movie that makes you think from the start to the end and it plays with your mind. The movie was set according to the point-of-view of Nina, a girl with a seemingly questionable psyche, hence a slur on reality. Even the ending entices you to think. I have to watch it again.

If only to see you...

2011-01-07T15:28:00.006+08:00

... i will turn the moon so that we'll be seeing the same side. I will buy a time even for a peep.

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P.S.

I am currently engrossed in reading Ha Jin's work. "Waiting" is a breeze. It's a translated work but just like Murakami's books, the words flow so naturally into my senses. I don't feel like reading at all. It's like, he was reading it to me. =)

New year, new shoes

2011-01-04T15:58:00.003+08:00

If you had asked me before, I would have disagreed. But just today, I realized how important shoes are. I am speaking figuratively here. And why suddenly I wanted a new pair of shoes, a red one, I do not know. I just resolved myself into thinking that: “New year means new shoes. And it has to be red.” I may have subconsciously inculcated Oki’s urge to have a red shoes. She’s been whining about getting a new pair of red shoes since last year and I must have kept it at the back of my head. But I don’t like those girly shoes. I was never a fan of high-heeled shoes. I just want a comfortable shoes like the loafers or sidewalk surfers type.

I was at the university awhile ago and I noticed how instinctively I was looking down while walking at the hallway to look at the students’ shoes. Most of them have new shoes. Must be their Christmas gifts. There were loads of red shoes! =)

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I am imbibing this mantra (came from a P. Coelho book):

“When you go after what is IMPORTANT for you in life, don’t take NO for an ANSWER!”

I am NOT taking NO for an answer. Aja!

Look what I got for Christmas

2011-01-03T09:29:00.004+08:00

A funny thing to have if you ask me. Never to mislead anyone but this is one lens that can be washed whenever it's necessary. Incidentally, my real lens need some (urgent) repair right now.

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I wan't to start everything right. Start this new year right.

It’s enough that you remembered

2010-12-23T16:02:00.002+08:00

Giving me a gift, although it may seem a routine, has always warmed my heart. Thanks for remembering that I do like coffee in the morning and that I am into photography. =)

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Have a BLESSED CHRISTMAS, everyone!!!

And in the midst of this misty, cold December morning...

2010-12-13T09:54:00.008+08:00

…you’ll ask yourself: Am really doing the right thing?

And then a little voice inside you will say: You know it’s right if it feels right and it’s turning you into a better person.

For a moment there, I agreed with that little voice. Usually, we are antagonistic with each other. Always fighting with the DOs and DONTs of life. Always in binary opposition, ending up with a nonstop struggle (which is crazy by the way). It was nice to finally have something to agree with.

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[PS]

the other day, while i was attending a planning workshop in Tagaytay, a message popped from my YM. It was Fish! I have never heard anything from him except for the fact that he now works abroad as a chef. I teased him about being "rich" and enjoying the life abroad and he retorted back something like: "Mayaman ba yung alipin ka dito!" I said, "Well at least you have something to hold on to. I am sure you have a plan." I asked him my classic question (which is all me, by the way): "Are you happy there?" I don't remember him answering my question so I rephrased it: "What drives you? You must have reason why you opted to work there!" There is something about this guy that makes me want to laugh all the time. I don't know if he's serious or not but he really makes laugh (the hard way). He said: "Kailangan ko ng pambili ng ataol!" (nak ng teteng!) I burst into a laugh. Did I mention I was in a middle of a planning workshop? (pretending I was taking notes, but I was actually chatting). Bad me.

Our little chat went on. Mostly about existensialism. How his life working abroad. How I wanted to climb Mount Apo. How he wanted to earn money so he could climb more mountains. Then our topic went back to cooking. I asked his talent fee and told him I wanted to learn how to cook (the totyal way). He said: "Mura lang TF ko. Turuan kita pagbalik ko!" I said: "Pwede na ba pandesal na may kesong puti at sopdrink?" He affirmed. Then we bid goodbye. He said it was 2:30 am in Italy and he said needed to get up early morning the next day.

And because there's no way I can stop Christmas...

2010-12-08T23:44:00.006+08:00

I might as well enjoy it.

One thing I really like about how we, Filipinos, celebrate Christmas is that we don't only SHOW it, we also try to FEEL it. I hate saying it, but I am really anxious what my friends will wrap in those boxes with my name written on it.

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[postscript:]

"what you sow is what you reap"

Knowing where you need to go, that has always been the (basic) rule of the game

2010-12-08T01:43:00.007+08:00

A man leads the early morning traffic along Macapagal Blvd. We are heading to the SM Mall of Asia for the biotechnology exhibit. This particular road looks great at night, especially during this time of the year. So many lights, suddenly this seemingly dull looking street becomes spectacular.

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[postscripts and randomness...]

I've been having a crazy schedule lately and my (awful) sleeping habit is making it worst. This afternoon, I was attending a planning workshop for info officers and I swore I could have just snoozed there in front of every one. Don't blame me. The topics were boring and the speakers were lulling me to sleep. Tomorrow, it's another "boring concert at the park"...strat plan in Tagaytay. geezus.

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Some guy who was supposed to be a friend of a former colleague at the office called me awhile ago to offer me a part time job. The guy works in a company somewhere in Ortigas. The words "part time job" and "good compensation" and "leadership potential" instantly brought a nice spellbounding interest into my ears. He said, this former colleague recommended me for the job. To cut the story short, I got interested and confirmed a sched for an interview. Little did I know that the job has something to do with "networking". Good thing I called back and asked him the details. At that instant, I backed out.

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what does it take to be called..."timang?" is it synanymous to being "stupid"?

i need a wiper to put myself to sleep...

i want that red Sanuk I spotted the other day at SM Mega...

i texted MB and counted how many minutes before he was able to answer back...average of 3-5 minutes. not bad.

i've been craving for Yellowcab's Dear Darla all day and i don't even like pizza to begin with.

Sometimes, you'd wish that the mind would just give up and stop thinking too much

2010-12-06T23:48:00.007+08:00

This "sickness" is breaking me into little pieces. I dread closing my eyes. I could not make my mind to hold still. Like an anxious monkey, it keeps on swinging from one tree to the next, from one idea to another from one troubled mind to one more of that kind. Then, just as when I am about to get tired and find some sleep, there goes an awful dream. I usually forget them, but I bring them with me in my morning routine, that awful feeling of being chased by god-knows-what.

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[postscript]

i could tell you names and weave a story out of them. that's how i've developed a keen ear-- by listening to your stories. i do not need notes to write down every detail. i've memorized them by heart. i even knew how and when you said those stories. i hope you've been listening to me as well, listening to my stories. because it would break my heart knowing that this friendship has always been a one-way road.

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for the nth time, a puzzle was taught to me, torturingly...

And then you smiled back like it’s the only thing that mattered

2010-12-03T13:05:00.010+08:00

It’s difficult to compose a poem about you
Everything becomes obvious and yet insubstantial
Subliminal as it may seem, every thing goes back
To that one, fine day in the South—right after I shrugged
and brushed off your presence.

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[postscript]

A Story He Once Told Me

It was a bestfriend-falling-as-lovers kind of thing. And it happened to me once. I had a besfriend, Irene and we were close. I fell for her at the moment when our love was no longer meant to be. At the time that I realized it, she was already committed to another man, her boyfriend.

There was a time when after transfering into a new house, Irene felt scared. She was sensing some spirits in the new house and asked her bf to accompany him for awhile. The bf was not available so as her loyal bestfriend, Irene asked me instead.

It was a moment of reckoning. We were both lying on the bed. Irene’s head was resting in my arm and she looked at me and said, “I love you”. Instinctively, I answered back and said: “I love you too”. It was the most natural thing to do. It’s like we’ve felt it coming and saying it was just a recognition of our feelings. But just like any sweet dream that turned sour, we felt awkward after that. We parted ways.

A few weeks ago, Irene texted me, inviting me to attend her wedding. I told her I could not commit because the nature of my work requires traveling (sometimes on a short notice). Irene said: “I would really be disappointed if you would not be able to come to my wedding.” I said: “I am sorry.”

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After telling me that story, we had this conversation.

Him: Was I bad for not attending her wedding?

Me: Yes, because why wouldn't you attend? Unless, you still have feelings for her which, I think you still have. I guess I don't see any reason why you'll abstain yourself.

Him: You don't understand. It would be more complicated for me to be there.

Me: Why?

Him: Because a friend of ours told me, she's still in love with me.

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I don't know what to feel. I wanted to confirm something but I am afraid I will be asking the wrong question and it would ruin everything.

CineManila Fest at Robinsons Galleria =)

2010-12-01T09:45:00.007+08:00

Opening FilmPinoy Sunday | Wi Ding Ho (Taiwan/Philippines, 2010)

Closing FilmAmigo | John Sayles (USA, 2010)

International Competition:And Peace On Earth | Matteo Botrugno & Daniele Coluccini (Italy, 2010)Au Revoir, Taipei | Arvin Chen (Taiwan / USA, 2009)Eastern Plays | Kamen Kalev (Bulgaria / Sweden, 2009)Floating Lives | Nguyen Panh Quang Binh (Vietnam, 2010)Happyland | Jim Libiran (Philippines, 2010)The Housemaid | Im Sang-soo (South Korea, 2010)The Piano in a Factory | Zhang Meng, Jae-young Kwak (China, 2010)Primary! | Ivan Noel (Spain, 2010)Sketches of Kaitan City | Kazuyoshi Kumakiri (Japan, 2010)

Focus on Korean Cinema:Camellia | Joon-Hwan Jang, Wisit Sasanatieng & Isao Yukisada (South Korea / Thailand / Japan, 2010)The Housemaid | Im Sang-soo (South Korea, 2010)Mother | Bong Joon-ho (South Korea, 2009) Secret Sunshine | Lee Chang-dong (South Korea, 2007)Thirst | Park Chan Wook (South Korea, 2009)

Korean Independents:Animal Town | Kyu-hwan Jeon (South Korea / USA, 2009)Breathless | Yang Ik-Joon (South Korea, 2009)Passerby # 3 | Shin Su-won (South Korea, 2009)Father is a Dog | Lee Sang Woo (South Korea, 2010)

SEA Cinema:Ang Damgo ni Eleuteria | Remton Siega Zuasola (Philippines, 2010)Halaw | Sheron Dayoc (Philippines, 2010)Red Dragonflies | Liao Jiekai (Singapore, 2010)Sunday Morning in Victoria Park | Lola Amaria (Indonesia, 2010)The Tiger Factory | Woo Ming Jin (Japan / Malaysia, 2010)Year Without A Summer | Tan Chui Mui (Malaysia, 2010)

Taiwan Alternate Currents:Au Revoir, Taipei | Arvin Chen (USA / Taiwan, 2010)Fourth Portrait | Chung Mong-Hong (Taiwan, 2010)Juliets | Yu-Hsun Chen, Hou Ji-Ran & Ko-shang Shen (Taiwan, 2010)Pinoy Sunday | Wi Ding Ho (Taiwan, 2009)The Sandwich Man | Hou Hsiao Hsien, Wan Jen & Zhuang Xiang Zeng (Taiwan, 1983)Taipei Exchanges | Hsiao Ya-chuan (Taiwan, 2010)

World Cinema:Beyond the Circle | Golam Rabbany Biplob (Bangladesh, 2009)The Door | Anno Saul (Germany, 2010)Please Don't Disturb | Moshen Abdolvahab (Iran, 2010)A Prophet | Jacques Audiard (France / Italy, 2009)Red Eagle | Wisit Sasanatieng (Thailand, 2010)Reign of Assasins | Chao-bin Su, John Woo (China, 2010)Riding The Stallion of The Dream | Girish Kasaravali (India, 2010)Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World | Edgar Wright (USA / UK/ Canada, 2010)The Wedding Game | Ekachai Uekrongtham (Singapore / Malaysia, 2010)Thorn in the Heart | Michel Gondry (France, 2009)

Asian American Program:Bontoc Eulogy | Marlon Fuentes (USA / Philippines, 1995)Fall of the I-Hotel | Curtis Choy (USA, 1983)The People I've Slept With | Quentin Lee (USA, 2009) Cinemanila NETPAC Program:Animal Town | Kyu-hwan Jeon (South Korea / USA, 2009)Au Revoir, Taipei | Arvin Chen (USA / Taiwan, 2010)Divine Intervention | Elia Suleiman (France / Morroco / Germany / Palestine, 2002)Floating Lives | Nguyen Panh Quang Binh (Vietnam, 2010)Kaleldo | Brillante Mendoza (Philippines, 2006)Pila Balde | Jeffrey Jeturian (Philippines, 1999)

Digital Lokal:Balangay | Sherad Anthony Sanchez and Robin Färdig (Philippines/Sweden, 2010)‘Di Natatapos Ang Gabi (The Night Infinite) | Ato Bautista (Philippines, 2010)Mondomanila | Khavn dela Cruz (Philippines, 2010)Brod | Ray Gibraltar (Philippines, 2010Chassis | Adolf Alix Jr. (Philippines, 2010)

Young Cinema: Documentaries in CompetitionDekasegi (The Migrants) | Rey VenturaDiujung Jalan | Tony Trimarsanto (Indonesia, 2010)Kano | Monster Jimenez (Philippines / USA, 2010)Memories of A Burning Tree | Sherman Ong (Tanzania / Netherlands / Singapore / Malaysia, 2010)Ang Panagtagbo sa Akong mga Apohan | Malaya Camporedondo (Philippines, 2010)Sunday School | Joanna V. Arong (Philippines / China / Zambia, 2010)

Documentaries in ExhibitionThe Cove | Louie Psihoyos (USA, 2009)Eskrimadors | Kerwin Go (Philippines, 2010)Laughing Star | Werner Schroeter (Germany, 2010)Machete Maidens Unleashed | Mark Hartley (Australia, 2010)Return to Manila: Filipino Cinema | Hubert Niogret (France / Philippines, 2010)Thorn in the Heart | Michel Gondry (France, 2009)

Young Cinema Shorts:Hazard | Mikhail Red (Philippines, 2010) In CompetitionNilda | Joy Aquino (Philippines, 2010) In CompetitionPainted Reality | Henry Burgos (Philippines, 2010) In CompetitionDoktora | Christian Linaban (Philippines, 2010) In Competition Ang Katapusang Bagting | Remton Siega Zuasola (Philippines, 2010)Ang Larawan ng Isang Pamilyang Pilipino | Emmanuel dela Cruz (Philippines, 2010)April Fools | Trinka Lat (Philippines / Germany, 2009)Inhalation | Edmund Yeo (Malaysia, 2010)Ang Sandaling Sadya nina Lire at Isa | John Francis Losaria (Philippines, 2010)Masala Mama | Michael Kam (Singapore, 2010)Impeng Negro | Dustin Uy (Philippines, 2010)

Philippine Panorama:Layang Bilanggo | Michael Dagnalan (Philippines, 2010)Limbunan | Teng Mangansakan (Philippines, 2010)Ang Ninanais | John Torres (Philippines, 2010)Ang Mundo sa Panahon ng Bato | Mes de Guzman (Philippines, 2010)HIV (Si Heidi, Si Ivy at Si V) | Neal "Buboy" Tan (Philippines, 2010)

Critics’ Picks:Phil Dy: Endo | Jade Castro (Philippines, 2007)Oggs Cruz: Wanted: Border | Ray Gibraltar (Philippines, 2009)Rolando Tolentino: Ang Mundo sa Panahon ng Bato | Mes de Guzman (Philippines, 2010)Richard Bolisay: Ang Damgo ni Eleuteria | Remton Siega Zuasola (Philippines, 2010)Nonoy Lauzon: Sheika | Arnel Mardoquio (Philippines, 2010)

Directors in Focus: 10 Years of Ishmael BernalPeter Chua | Buwan (Philippines, 2000)Mes de Guzman | Batang Trapo (Philippines, 2001)Romeo Candido | Lolo’s Child (Philippines, 2002)Mariami Tanangco | Binyag (Philippines, 2003)Raya Martin | Bakasyon (Philippines, 2004)John Torres | Salat (Philippines, 2005)Jobin Ballesteros | The Ballad of Mimiong’s Minion (Philippines, 2006)Ernest Michael Manalastas | Delusions (Philippines, 2007)Christopher Gozum | Surreal MMS (Philippines, 2008)Remton Siega Zuasola | To Siomai Love (Philippines, 2009)

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The film fest officially opens today but most of the screenings are for the press and the jury. There will be movie tickets that are open to public but limited only. Will probably catch the next day's screenings.

I've researched a little about the film entries and found some really nice flicks to watch out for:

1. The Housemaid --- > it's a remake, it's an erotic thriller, and a contender in last year's Cannes Film Festival.
2. Happyland ---> looking forward to see this, mag-world premier siya this Sunday! same director who gave us Tribu (humakot ng sangkaterbang awards during the Cinemalaya2007)
3. The Piano in a Factory ---> both sad and beautiful... about a father wanting to give his daughter a piano to get her custody.
4. Easter Plays ---> Bulgarian entry, reviews are good. One review even said, it's probably the best Bulgarian film in a decade. Now i had to see this. I rarely see a Bulgarian film.
5. Secret Sunshine ---> I (just) love Korean films, this one has a rather enticing plot.

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To know the SCREENING SCHEDULE, please click to this link ----> 2010 cinemanila screenings

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

2010-11-26T22:47:00.005+08:00

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

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About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

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[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

So near and yet so far

2010-11-25T10:16:00.006+08:00

space is an odd thing to have
it goes beyond boundaries
you’re there—
I am here—
and yet our space never merged.

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I touched your cheek twice. You let me. I regretted it. Now I have nothing to think about but your cheeks and that dirt on your face that I had to remove. You told me I am abnormal because I have no hairs growing on my skin. And then you touched my arm and set it against the light. "You have at least 3 hairs growing in your arms, that's about it!". You think I didn't notice? You like touching my arm.

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I am bothered by my friend’s dilemma. I would like to reach out to her but she would not let me. She would not even tell me things. The only reason why I am keeping myself visible online (even on a busy mode) was for her to buzz me and tell me: “hey!”

Rainman

2010-11-23T21:44:00.004+08:00

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

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This is the best diversion when you are "emotionally ill"

2010-11-15T23:37:00.006+08:00

I started attending yoga classes last month, merely for the heck of it. An officemate, Miks, has been attending yoga classes and encouraged Oki and I to try it also. Oki has been wanting to loose that extra pounds so she got immediately interested. I joined merely out of curiosity. I tried it before when we were invited for a free session and I liked it but I was not able to sustain it. Until this opportunity came again.

I just had my sixth session today and it felt good. I am still a beginner that is why I am still having difficulty in keeping up with some of the (intermediate) routines but knowing my high tolerance for pain, I keep on pushing myself to my limit until I get to hold the difficult postures in a given time. As they say, be patient with your body, listen to it...in time those unflexible muscles will flex and bend, they are meant to.

I am attending two yoga classess in a week and I am hoping each day that I will be able to sustain it. So far...so good.

In yoga, your body and your mind must be in sync. They are supposed to be. Otherwise, you'll fall on your knees and your balance falter. I have been faltering and falling in my previous sessions. I laugh at myself and realized that the problem with me has always been my lack of focus.

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What can I do the rain would not stop from pouring

2010-11-11T14:54:00.008+08:00

The weather station said there's no typhoon but it's been raining for the past days. It just won't stop. At the end of the day, I usually end up getting soaked.

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[random:]

... I am having difficulty with my current sched right now. work is loaded and i enrolled 6 units of subjects for my MA class, Tuesday and Thursday. I was advised by the Graduate School Office to take all my subjects and one penalty course this sem because I am already in my maximum residency. I am supposed to have my thesis proposal defense this sem and my thesis next sem. geesuz. i don't know what to do with my time.

... as if work and MA are not enough, Oki and I are attending two yoga classes in a week (Mon and Thurs) but since I have a class every Thurs, I had to take the Sat morning session instead.

...travels, I had to give this up =(

...Christmas is fast approaching. Faster than I thought. Heck.

...when it comes to Crackhead and her pregnancy i am on pins and needles.

...i've never prayed this hard, everynight.

And the heart says: "Don't condemn your feelings"

2010-11-07T23:17:00.008+08:00

The mind retorts: "Not even for the condemnatory ones?"

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[postscript:]

The day he went for that 3-day vacation, I felt a pang of jealousy. He will be having a grand time in a paradise-like white sandy beach while I was stuck in the office doing loads of OT. But then again, at the back of my mind, I knew that of all people, he deserved that break. "Kaw nga dami mo nang napuntahan eh!" he told me. The "jealousy" came out of nowhere really. It's just that the place is full of "cheesecakes" and I wasn't there and I would only be wondering what will happen in that very "conducive" paradise like beach.

I sent him an SMS the other day asking if he enjoyed his vacation. He affirmed. I asked him: "Naglakad ka ba sa buhangin ng nakatapak para ma-feel mo ang powdery sands?" He texted back: "Yes, first thing we did was walk barefoot on the sand" (and concluded it with a smiley). I dunno, but my heart sank that day.

Healthy fear

2010-11-04T23:51:00.003+08:00

There may be a natural, healthy kind of fear. But the kind of fear that I don't like and want not to obey is the fear that urges me to act contrary to my own feelings or to act before I know what my feelings are.

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[postscript:]

There are (more than) times that I have contradicted myself in doing something that my mind has been set NOT TO DO but because I have a heart that is (totally) incapable of sticking to reason, I have to bend back an earlier decision and follow this sudden swerve. Ah, when will I learn?

I need this book

2010-11-04T00:16:00.004+08:00

I do not need to explain. Do I?

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[postscript:]

Just watched Social Network. It was a David Fincher flick, no wonder I liked it (err, Fight Club, Se7en, The Game-- all of them great films).

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius...no doubt about that. But as one of the characters said, "You're not an asshole Mark. You're just so trying hard to be!" --that's all it was. But I am glad Mark Z created Facebook. Goodness, aren't we all? It's just sad that "my Erica Albright" in real life doesn't even believe in FB so he doesn't have an account. In fact, he hated it. And I told myself: "Heck, what's the point of having an FB if I would not be able to stalk him?"

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It's almost one in the morning...someone sent an SMS...geezuz, a SMART alert. heck.

It's almost two in the morning and I can't get myself to sleep. No sign of drowsiness.

I am excited about my yoga class tomorrow. O yeah...I am into yoga now. Beat that.

Sleep, rayts...get some sleep!

Oftentimes, my eyes fool me

2010-10-28T00:06:00.008+08:00

I thought I had it all planned out in my head. I thought at that moment, everything is possible and nothing could go wrong. I used to be a pessismist. The picture did not turn out as "clear" as I hoped it would be.

"You'll remain a vague image in my head. It will never be clear for the both of us. There will always be the "rain" and the "wind" to come between us."

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Welcome to mystery

2010-10-25T21:22:00.004+08:00

Imagine a place you can always escape to. An island off the coast of nowhere. A new destination of your own creation. Just waiting till you chose to go there. ~ Plain White T's

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never too young to start photography

2010-10-23T23:11:00.005+08:00

Pardon the poor quality of the photo. I had to use my handphone to take this shot because Fiona, my four-year old niece, was just too busy exploring her new toy, my camera. It's heavy for her tiny fingers but I taught her how to handle it properly and she's learning fast. She takes decent photos as well. I would love to show them to you but she has this annoying habit of making me, her sole subject, which would practically bore anyone who would see it. Next time, I'll teach her how to take a steady shot coupled with an appropriate framing. =)

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Oct 23, LB -- Let me take this wonderful opportunity to greet a very special friend, CRIM, a happy birthday! I know you've deleted your blog already which now officially cuts me off from the "mainstream" of your profound and (sometimes) loony whereabouts, but rest assured that I am always there for you, be your shock absorber, secret keeper, drinking buddy, videoke mistress, I could be anyone you want me to be. I hope to see you soon. happy beerday!

I would stand in traffic just to follow you and in the middle of the street, I will cry out your name

2010-10-21T12:36:00.006+08:00

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

~eecummings

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[postscript]

I am supposed to write an article but I could not figure out where and how to begin. I am reading Random House’s Guide to Good Writing and it’s doing me no good, at least in making me want to start to write. i need my muse.

Look what I found from a heap of crumpled papers

2010-10-20T08:50:00.003+08:00

Dax gave me the EPL book. And he sent it in a very creative Russian-doll-like-wrapping-kind-of way. A white big box; inside was a heap of crumpled papers from which I found a smaller box which, as you’ve guessed, was also full of crumpled papers and underneath was the book covered in onion skin. I kinda knew that Dax would give me the book simply because I asked him for it but what surprised me was how he packaged the gift. Interesting. If he’s done it to the girl he likes, that girl would probably be smitten.

Anyway, Dax was supposed to come with us to watch EPL a week ago but he said he has “a date” – a previous commitment, I should say. Anyway, I told him the company was great but the movie was awful. “You actually didn’t miss any thing, Dax!” But Miks said, I should have read the book first. “There are nice materials in the book that you’ll be able to appreciate only by reading it.” So I (kindly) asked Dax to give me a book as an early Christmas gift. He happily obliged which quite surprised me. Hehe. Dax is easy to sway and he has the tendency to spoil his friends—a nice thing to have if you are one of his so called “friends”. So that’s how I got the book from a heap of crumpled scratch. =)

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Miks, PC and I went to dinner last night at Pen-Pen in Tomas Morato. As we were passing by the lighted streets, I suddenly learned that Christmas is fast approaching. There were lights. Lotsa lights. When we finished our dinner, I asked them if we could walk the few miles before getting a cab home. As we were walking, a cold, wintry gush of air met us. Brrr. It was cold. Then I retorted: “I dread Christmas!” PC said: “Don’t say dread. It’s such a strong word.” Okay… I fear Christmas .

It’s raining here and I am catching 40 winks

2010-10-19T09:24:00.003+08:00

I love rainy days. Not because I am trying to be sentimental and poetic. I just love the feeling. Some of the really memorable things in-my-not-so-exciting-life happened when it was raining and it’s funny because I could remember them so vividly. As vivid as the number of teardrops that fell on the tiles of our bathroom every time I pour my heart's out.

“Catch 40 winks” …I just had to use this idiomatic phrase. I love its literary meaning.

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Watching Some Kind of Wonderful and Mrs. Winterbourne brings so much memories.

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Dusk

2010-10-18T17:39:00.008+08:00

Between the dusk of a summer night
And the dawn of a summer day
We caught at a mood as it passed in flight
And we bade it stoop and stay.
And what with the dawn of night began
With the dusk of day was done... ~ W.E. Henley

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[postscript]

Once, I have told a friend how fascinated I am with clouds. Not everyone likes the clouds, I said. Most of them would be fascinated with the blue sky but the sky would be (terribly) dull without the clouds. He couldn't agree more. I do not know if he was amazed by what I just said or was totally bewildered as to why I had suddenly revealed such insight when we never even talk. Everything started with the clouds. Dusk was just a backdrop.

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I do not know if I should tell someone a secret or not. Just for the purpose of making him (more) sensitive about the other person's feeling. But then again, I would break a promise if I did that. Should I? I just felt the pang of pain when he mentioned his name to her. Suddenly, I felt helpless for her. God, I wish I could do something for that friend.

Waiting shed

2010-10-15T16:46:00.005+08:00

I like waiting sheds because people come here to wait. But they are more than that.

Sheds have personalities, those that you can guess just by looking at its structures. How old it is, how well it’s maintained, it’s location, and how many people are actually going for it “to wait”.

I found this wonderful shed when I was in Korea. I was roaming around RDA early in the morning to take photos when the rain started to pour. I found this shed with nothing much except three green seats full of falling leaves on top of it and four wooden benches around the green seats. I was tempted to sit on one of the green seats but I wanted to preserve its actual look, the way I have found it. So instead, I sat on one of the four wood benches around it. The floor was covered with dried leaves, some of them were still fresh and some of them were falling on my head. I looked outside and it was raining hard. Then, all of a sudden, I felt this surge of sadness—the kind that eats you up inside. I don’t usually get that. Mostly it’s the fleeting loneliness, the one that you could get rid of given the proper diversion. This type of sadness was different (or so I thought at that time). I have wished for the rain to stop.

While waiting for the rain to subside, I saw the bespectacled Hyo-jung Lee standing in front of the shed with an umbrella. Smiling, she said to me “What are you doing there, Ms Rayts? Come in the office and we’ll drink coffee.” It was the second time that she saved me. One time, she showed me the way to the biggest bookstore in Suwon. Inside her office, she served me a piping hot mug of coffee. It was my last day in Suwon and I was thinking what to give her as a token. Hyo-jung was a few years older than me and she’s one of the few people I got along with during my one-week stay in Suwon. She has this cute habit of putting her arms in my arms whenever we take our pictures. I gave her a key holder before I left. I saw her put her keys in it. “So that I will always remember you!” she said with a big smile.

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[postscript]

I found the most charming letter. “I love you infinity times infinity much!” Obviously it was not meant for me. But my mind is playing (tricks) with me (again). Could it be that he intentionally did not remove the post-it so that I could see it? Or maybe not. How could I entertain such thought? Still, the possibility is there. God, I wish someone would say that to me. I will love you back (infinity times infinity).

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Went to see Eat Pray Love last night. The night was great. The movie was awful. All throughout the film, I was bothered by Julia Roberts unusually over-sized mouth and her unusually bony face. I am rude. I asked Dax to give me a copy of the book. I asked him to give it as a gift. I was a bit demanding but he owes me big time. Luckily he promised to buy me a copy.

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I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work. I love you. There...i said it!

It’s funny how everything and anything reminds me of you...

2010-10-11T12:24:00.008+08:00

...including a 16 oz. of Figaro’s piping hot brewed coffee.

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[postscript]

random...

...been out the past few days. 3 weeks of overtime is no joke. every bit of me is aching (physically). i've been having this cough and colds for two weeks now and i am growing sick and tired of it. people must have gotten used to hearing me "bark!" geesuz.

...yesterday, i went out to have a date with myself. i wanted to spend the whole Sunday visiting bookstores, watching a great film and enter a coffee shop doing nothing but watching the people passing by. that's the old me. i enjoy doing these things. i did and it was nice. i visited powerbooks (they have a new outlet at the other building of megamall, a smaller one, i like their old place though). i planned on buying a really nice book but opted not to because i am afraid that i wouldn't be able to read the other books in my shelves which are begging to be read. i also went to see Ben Affleck's The Town which was surprisingly good. I wanted to watch Eat, Pray, Love but the time wasn't conducive. I did stay inside a coffee shop, just watching people's shoes. I sipped and I watched them passed by. shoes. all kinds.

...tomorrow i have to be in Pampanga for another mind-numbing meeting on biotechnology. i had to fill in for my boss. i miss my cube. i wish i am just in my cube for the next few days. i miss travelling. never on official business.

...i miss being on top of a mountain. i miss the cold air there.

... i dread christmas.

In the zone

2010-10-05T13:54:00.002+08:00

There are things you realized when you are “in the zone”. Unfortunately for me, that particular moment always happens while I am in the comfort room. And it’s funny because I often end up crying afterwards. This frickin' head of mine always works on the double when I am sitting on that throne. It’s just that the moment I sit, flashes of memories came rushing in and by the minute I am in my zone (going back to places but in most cases, creating instances that never even happened). And then with some bizarre maneuvering, a certain memory often comes with a frickin’ soundtrack. What the hell is wrong with me? Like yesterday, I think I cried the whole frickin’ hour inside the comfort room. A memory of a guy flashed before me. At the background was Donny Gerrard singing “For Just a Moment” from the OST of one of my all-time favorite movies from the 80s, St. Elmo’s Fire. Geesuz, why that of all songs. This song has that particular power to "kill me" with despair. Suddenly Kevin Dolenz’s character came to me.

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Soulmate Shoe

2010-10-04T16:48:00.006+08:00

When I was in Korea, we were stuck at this particular alley wherein a variety of women’s shoes were on display. Most of them were on sale. We were waiting for our bus to arrive and we just had our lunch then so all of us were just bumming around. If I am a shoe addict, this could be a haven for me. But because I am not into shoes, I just opted to look around and take photos. There’s this one particular brand of shoes that took my attention. The saleslady called them the “Soulmate Shoes”. I don’t know why but the way I interpreted it, women who wear these shoes are likely to find their match. "Hmm, interesting" I told myself. And then as I was examining the shoes, I saw the writings.

On top of the insole it said: “Love is all life for a woman. Soulmate desined by Korea” and then at the side, it said: “I am into you and sweetheart made in china”.

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[postscript]

She was a passive stalker. Contented by what other people feed on her. She checks every detail even if it means not missing a single dot. A smiley that used to mean nothing but a template from usual SMS now suddenly meant something.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

2010-09-28T12:58:00.002+08:00

I do not know which is more hurtful. Imagining something to be true or discovering that what you have just imagined is indeed the truth. It’s like the more I stab you, the more afflictions I get.

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So near and yet so far…

2010-09-24T09:12:00.001+08:00

You’ve been (awfully) pathetic like me. But I must tell you, I have been admiring your strength from afar. And I hate it when I don’t know what is going on inside that head of yours.
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You’ve been very busy lately you didn’t even notice I was watching you closely

2010-09-22T09:51:00.002+08:00

When I was in Suwon, I walked the long road from the International Technical Cooperation Center (the place where we stayed) to the E-mart. It was a 15-20 minute walk. To get there, I had to climb an overpass. Half way through the overpass, I lingered and savored the moment. From there I could see the Suwon traffic and realized how busy life has been that sometimes I forget to stop and smell the air. It was an interesting sight, a bit different from the typical, chaotic, bustling Manila traffic. In Korea, it was all too orderly, spacious and less flurry. It rained a few hours ago so the street was wet and the air was fresh. I could have stayed there for hours but I had to buy groceries.

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Yesterday, Pat, Etch and I went to the hospital to visit our godchild who has been suffering from leukemia. He’s turning 2 this October and he’s been sick since he was a baby. His mother was talking to us about his condition and all the time I was staring at my godchild and I wanted to cry. His body was covered with blisters—a manifestation that he’s suffering inside. I was thinking, all his life he has known nothing but the feeling of physical pain. I think pain is the only thing he recognized. For awhile, I sincerely wished I could have at least have half of his pain…or maybe we, the godparents, could take a piece of his pain and bear them instead of him. Geezus, he is just a child. I’ve been praying hard these days. Mr. Brightside taught me how to pray. I used to pray but it was all too selfish…it’s all about me and how to deal with my own demons. Now, it’s all about other people and their happiness.

Hazy look

2010-09-21T12:27:00.007+08:00

There’s no trick. I didn’t tweak this in the photoshop. I took this shot in Ilocos Norte at the front of the infamous (haunted) The Mansion. We were staying in an air-conditioned room and the lens of the camera was having its "moist moment" (which I hated) when I decided to go out and take photos of the early morning dew. It rained last night. Anyway, I wiped the center of the foggy lens in circular, slow motion, leaving the moist portion around the circumference creating a nice, foggy effect on the side. Hence, the photo.

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I’ve been thinking of deleting this blog. I wasn’t even updating or making an effort to write an entry. I have got tons of photos to post but I rarely had the time. Also, I noticed that most of my shots do not say anything, they lack emotions, which leads me to the conclusion that: I have a life and that I am happy. The only time I turn to this blog is when I am hitting rock bottom (or at least the feeling of it). Yesterday, I decided to breathe life to this blog at least for the meantime. A secret keeper must turn to something if she wants to keep herself intact and sane.

Today, I realized I need this blog after all. I need to vent. I need to write (even though sometimes it doesn’t make sense). I need this blog because…let me borrow my friend’s line: “to reaffirm my existence.” Geezus, I guess I am having one of those “hitting rock bottom” again…all because of a simple spite I heard this morning.

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Waiting for the dew to fall

2010-09-20T11:13:00.006+08:00

Was it just a coincidence that three of my friends are all heartbroken right now and that they came to me to confess? One is trying to heal from a 5-year relationship, one is trying to hopelessly get away from a married man (the first she ever loved according to her), and one who has been enduring an unrequited love (she's been loving the guy for too long, I think).

Recently, I have been shying away from this phrase: “can you keep a secret?” I have been a loyal secret keeper to the people who matter to me. It’s difficult sometimes –being the keeper of their secrets. Sometimes you wanted to reach out to them but because you need to pretend that you don’t know anything, you feel (terribly) hopeless. People who are hurting inside are probably the most vulnerable. Their hearts can be sliced at an instant even with the seemingly slight remarks or mere mention of the person who have hurt them.

This morning, as I was doing my routine at work, a friend from grad school (whom I have gotten close to in a short time) sent me a YM message. She said, “I have something to tell you!” That irky feeling came to me. "Oh not not again. Not this week!" I told myself. I was taking the hint that it might probably be about her confession about her unrequited love. For nine months, she’s been swooning on this guy who was in NZ and had desperately fallen in love with him. They've gotten close when the guy came to Manila for a short vacation. It turned out, I knew the guy. He was from my hometown and I knew him from high school. But we don't know each other on a personal level. I just recognized him from the photo which my friend showed me.

My friend told me that, finally she had the guts to confess her feelings to this guy (through an email). But she got dumped. He said he doesn’t want to cross the boundaries. He wanted for them to stay as friends. I said to myself: “Ouch! That must have (feckin) hurt!” My friend said. “No, I am okay now…I’ve gotten over the guy. I am free now!” She did the confession two weeks ago and she has moved on already? "What we have has been a hanging issue. And because he dumped me, now we have a closure. It's done and over with," she said.

She advised me: “Rayts you should do the same. You should tell him already!” Suddenly the table was turned.

I wish it was that easy. I wish I have the guts. I finally made a deal with that a long time ago. I will wait for the dew drops to fall...by then, maybe (just) maybe I would be able to do my own version of the "love letters and confessions". Thinking about it now, it feels so high school-lish!

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I was you...

2010-09-02T16:06:00.003+08:00

When I was in Suwon and we were doing a field visit at the Korean Folk Village, I saw a bunch of Korean kids wearing these cute, yellow backpacks with “EBC” written on them. I was informed that they are young students from an English Based Campus. I got caught up watching them while their teacher was telling them a story about the wishing stone. There’s this kid that got my attention the most. I tried to engage with the bunch, but she shied away. She was just looking at me from afar. I tried capturing an image of her but she looked the other way. She would not look at me. I said to myself, “goodness, she reminds me of myself when I was a kid—always feeling estranged.”

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of bubble lights and coffee press

2010-08-06T09:20:00.004+08:00

I told myself, “Today, I would be a willing soldier. I will come with you whenever, wherever. Because I am collecting memories!” Those that I could return to when the time comes that we’ll part ways and I have nothing to hold on to but those little snippets of our time together. And I feel that that time will come sooner than expected. One of us will leave. Literally.

I remember you told me (not once) : “I need some time away from you!” Greatness. Am I such a burden to you?

You told me you’ll give up your job and just let your brother handle it for you. You said: “Masaya yun kasama matutuwa ka sa kanya!” Goodness, how could you be so insensitive?

I have been accustomed to the fact that in between good conversations you have this annoying habit of constantly mentioning her name and the place that you’ve been to and the situation in vivid manners…but does it have to be in my zone? Goodness, must you mention her all the time? Hello, I am collecting my own memories here. Stop mentioning your past relationships. But one thing is sure. You’ll never see what goes on inside this insipid head of mind. I will never give you the satisfaction. Never.

And then as if those are not enough, must you really mention your “flirtatious” moments with a stranger? “How dya know she’s flirting with you?” I asked. “She was starting a conversation with a total stranger!” you answered. “That’s not flirting, what if she's just being polite!” You said: “No she’s not.” And so, I rested my case. You should know better. I am the neophyte here.

I don’t like “cheesecakes”. I was never fond of them. I just look but I would never take a bite out of these “cheesecake” so for crying out loud, stop calling me a toblerone. I’ll never be. That I have known for a fact.

---------

You are intoxicating...

2010-08-04T00:05:00.003+08:00

...like these two glasses of wine. I wish I was sharing them with you. :-D

---------

Most of the time I wonder...

2010-07-24T00:06:00.007+08:00

...do you even think of me?

That despite the seemingly harsh words and taunting, I feel nothing but true affection and care. You always put up a mask, leave me clueless and more confused than ever. One time you're harsh than a stormy wind, another time you're sweet as a honeycoated nuts.

Do you really care for me? Or am I just making things up?

I wouldn't know. I might (never) know.

---------

mr. brightside touched and rubbed my back, i guess it was his way of comforting me.

mr. brightside and i had lunch. just the two of us.

Heart needs helmet too...

2010-07-15T22:58:00.001+08:00

...for protection.

---------

If I scoop clouds in my hands and give it to you…

2010-07-13T09:14:00.000+08:00

...will you love me?

---------

I try to look up as much as I can

2010-07-12T09:26:00.009+08:00

…hoping to see a different perspective, hoping that in that angle I will forget.

---------

[postscript]

Missing “their” company
Today is the second week. I will never be used to this empty ‘space’. There used to be so much warmth and sound. I missed bumping into someone and greeting them with so much oomph. Now it was all too quiet and solemn. I’ve gotten (so) used to their faces and company, now I look around and see nothing but gaps and unspoken verves. The office looks miserable without them. Heck, I miss my friends.

----
Mr. Brightside your shine never ceases
You and I
We might be strangers
How ever close we get sometimes
Its like we never met ~ wilco

Your influence rubs off like a glue. It sticks, it lingers. I' am scared that one day, you will leave too (or me, for that matter) and I've gotten used to such presence and 'closeness' that I do not know what to do if I call and you won't be there to answer. You always say the right things at the right time even the right words to say. Always safe, nonetheless sincere. There is no room for assumption but my mind always plays tricks on me. I will wait for the day. I made a deal two months ago. I will keep my part of the bargain even if it means, forever losing you.

----
Leaving
I hope the trip pushes through. I hope. I need sometime away. Fate, be my alliance. Be on my side. Grant me this, just this one.

How does one express sadness

2010-07-08T09:27:00.004+08:00

Sadness is like a book...

It has the loneliest pages, if you care to look. ~ Unknown

---------

I see it everyday, in almost all forms. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s a different talk whenever I start to feel it. It thrusts through my bone without warning and leaves with nothing but a flicker entreaty.

Words leave me when I feel it. I apprehend the company of anyone if it heightens. Sadness rubs off like a dreaded disease; I try to be in the company of a crowd—strangers I barely know. They will never ask. They will just shrug and accept. Or maybe not.

When it starts to rain, I take it as a cue. A cue to cry in public. Tears and Rain: didn’t I tell you once that it’s the best combination ever? My tears are at their saltiest when I am sad, it balances the triteness of raindrops.

I go to the movie house when I am sad. Alone. Somehow, I am comforted by the darkness of the place. It eases a burgeon. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, I went to see a movie. Eclipse. It was due to lack of a choice. I must admit, I was never a fan so such choice was another thing to be sad about. I sat at the farthest side of the row. Then came two couples. Imagine this: Two cuddling couples in between them was me. What could be better? I was looking at the screen. Bella and Edward were kissing. I have never been so unaffected in my life. I could not feel anything. Then I felt my eyes drooping. I think I slept for a few minutes…then came the attack of the New Born. I pinched my self and tried keeping myself in tact for the rest of movies. I survived.

Then the lights were turned on. And then I saw a familiar face from the office. He was also watching the movie by himself.

I went home sadder then ever.

I feel you as I watch the rain pour from the window

2010-06-16T09:47:00.002+08:00

I'm looking out the window where we sat to watch the stars. There's a chill within the air it makes my heart long for your touch ~ corrinne may

i was watching the rain from a glass window. i could not get out from where i was. there was this wicked thunderstorm that reverberated in the four corners of the office. the lightning struck like a whipping belt. the heavy downpour did not subside. i wanted to go home but i was feeling ill. i didn't want it to get worse. i felt the cold window glass, imagining i was touching the rain. and then your face came into view. just like any ordinary days...i kept seeing your face everywhere. heck.

---------

[postscript]

I used to imagine such resemblance. I have not met her before (and perhaps will not be able to). Not in this lifetime. I only knew her by name. You’ve mentioned her name for quite sometime that I have no choice but to remember.

The other day, out of my wicked whim to know more, I finally saw her. Through a picture, from someone else’s facebook account. From that moment, everything made sense. I wish I had stick with how I imagined her. Now everything is real. I know now where the look came from, the voracity for books, those beautiful inquisitive eyes, and those wistful smiles.

Everything in its time

2010-06-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

There are a thousand reasons why I should give up but I'm stubborn in the things I believe. The river runs and the river hides out to the ocean and under the skyI promise you, the answer will come. ~ corrinne may

---------

Please hear what i am not saying

2010-06-08T10:33:00.003+08:00

You are your own exhibit. People measure you depending on how you project yourself to them. But those who knew better can dig beyond what the eyes could see. And those who knew how to “read” know that sometimes, what you say isn’t really what's inside your head. But then again, who would bother knowing the hullabaloos in your head if you yourself would not allow to be opened.

---------

The fallen

2010-06-04T16:49:00.006+08:00

You fall from a height unimaginable
You wait until the earth is felt
The wind blows and you're taken to some distance
And then you wait, you wait—
Until life takes you away.

~raytsdc/@theedge/60410

---------
my spirit is at the ground level. never felt this low. desolation is a pain in the ass. and it doesn't help that i've been listening to corrinne may for days now. heck.

Refuge

2010-05-31T10:53:00.004+08:00

Deep in the lake, over a fallen leaf hangs like a blue thread vanished and trite. A doldrum of winged hour that dropped from nowhere, he clasped my heart and captured my thoughts. To others, he was just a lone, blue dragonfly resting on a yellow, fallen leaf. To me, he's a refuge.

---------

[postscript]

I was told: "You're such a blessing, you know that? I'm fortunate to have a good friend like you."

The head is such an exaggerated place. It hits you right even before real things happen.

Guiding me to safety

2010-05-24T21:08:00.007+08:00

And why is it when I've finally decided to give up on you, you'll come and say things like: "You're the first person I am praying for at night." You're crazy. But I think I am crazier for believing.

---------

[postscript]

... The Philippines is like a huge oven right now and unless you're inside an air conditioned room, you'll bound to die from dehydration and headache. geezus.

... Together with my sister, her hubby, Fiona, and a younger cousin--we went to see Shrek:Forever After. I loved it. I love Shrek! :-)

...Favorite phrase of the day: "Off the wall"

...Favorite name of the day: Marselies (a Belgian friend whom, for some strange reasons, I kept on remembering the past few days). I wonder how shes's doing right now. The lost in communication was partly my fault. :-(

Never saw it coming

2010-05-20T07:46:00.005+08:00

I guess I was too busy swimming under water that I have forgotten I need to breathe out.

How presumptuous of me to think that everybody plays for comfort and that being “friendly” towards one another could somehow lead beyond being “just” an acquaintance. It's a shame that at this age, I still don't know the rules. I am always being played out.

---------

[postscript]

... his mom calls me "anak" so many times that I cringed so many times as well. geezus, i've never been this uncomfortable in my life. i felt silly feeling good and awkward all at the same time.

... i went to see "here comes the bride" twice. just because the past few days had been (so) stressful for me and i needed a dose of laughs even for some fleeting moments.

... my niece Fiona is going to school this June. she's 4 and she's already been accelerated to kindergarten. she's smart. (perhaps) like her aunt. i am so attached to this kid, i needed to get my own, hehe!

...work is an ass. it's piling like hell. it never runs out. and the "supervisor" (always) needs to ask for my opinion. not that i am complaining. but i was used to the former "s" that we give each other a space. do your things and and let me do mine. that way---we accomplish more. you need not ask me about a decision that has already been made. we've talked about it and here you go asking again. we need to move on.

Crushed (and probably still bleeding)

2010-05-17T22:02:00.007+08:00

...and why you do still keep up with a feeling that brought you nothing but pain? ~ NB

---------

Momentarily, I caught myself in a deep thought. Apparently, he was talking to me and I was not listening. A few weeks before, he asked me about a dinner. “My treat!” he said. He has been one of the few guy friends I am genuinely fond of so not thinking twice, I told him, “Sige ba!” Besides, he's the type who rarely invites someone for a treat. I have this impression that he chooses the company he keeps. One thing I am confused of is that he rarely talks to me when I am with other people. He is one quiet fish.

He asked me to choose the place for the dinner. I went for the cheaper ones, the one where I could order a beer. Getting drunk is a good excuse to disclose certain inhibitions; but pretending to be one is a sly. Oh yea, I am a sly.

One thing I've learned lately is that when you don't want to be the topic of a conversation, make way to fish out information about the other person. Let him be the lead actor/actress. How? ASK QUESTIONS. A series if you have to. Try immitating Boy Abunda. I love his misleading questions, they always knock me off my feet. Most people rarely say: "E ikaw naman?" Most people are caught up with themselves that they would not usually bother asking the other person how they have been. These kind of people-- I call them the "I" people ---always talking about "me, me and me". Apparently, this fella is far from being an "I" person. He always finds a way to ask how I've been.

During the course of our conversation, I noticed one important thing, that no matter how much he hides it and no matter how he denies it, such pain shows. His eyes betrayed him. And I pity him, honest to god I do. He's still crushed.

-------

[postscript:]

i just realized that i am becoming more and more sensitive lately. must be the age. or must be because i am jealous of people literally "moving on". why am i always left behind?

In the confusion and aftermath, you are my signal fire

2010-05-06T11:10:00.007+08:00

...the only resolution and the only joy
is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

Why would you want to sing a song repeatedly if it doesn’t mean anything to you?

Why would you keep looking at a photo of a boat cruising over serene water on one April morning if as you said, "it's just an image produced by a distress heart trying to melancholize and romanticize everything"?

And why in the hell would you keep taunting my peace of mind when you knew I would never give in?

Why would you keep on repeating things when you already know the result?

It’s irrelevant. It is beyond one’s logic.

I reckon that some people do certain things consistently without (really) knowing the reasons. All they know is that, amidst the pain, they find some happiness doing it. After sometime, you’ll notice that out of that consistency and pattern the pain goes away and you’ll be contented with what’s left…emancipation.

Batanes 04: Beautiful Ivatan

2010-05-05T18:07:00.006+08:00

...and do you still wonder why people keep coming back to this place?

I can't get enough of the place, can't get enough of the food, most of all, can't get enough of the beautiful people. Here's a second round of the happy and beautiful people of Batanes!

A kiddo I met while we were exploring Shanedel's Resort in Batan Island. Gotta love those smiles. :-D

She looks perky and inquisitive. She is. She likes to pose for the camera but I like her most when she stops posing and starts being herself.

In Chavayan, we met this young lady who was milling white corn using a traditional grinding stone. It took a lot of effort on her side to mill the corn and talk to annoying tourists (like us) all at the same time, but she was indeed very accomodating.

Just to prove to you how hospitable Ivatans are. She was brooding and she seems to be in a deep thought when I bothered her. Still, she managed to throw me a smile.

One of the reasons why I was in BATANES and the main reason why I am enamored by this place. The ever-beautiful and witty, Crim. Gotta love this woman. Did I mention she's an Ivatan?!

---------

[postscript:]

...it's raining in quezon city. the sky is pouring its heart out to me. :-)

...can't help but smiling these days. why? i am losing every inch of hope and yet i feel like hanging on. yes, i am a masochist by heart.

....how could you NOT like jason magbanua? jezzuz. he's the best.

.... i miss Fiona. :-)

Batanes 03: Happy Ivatan

2010-05-04T09:07:00.010+08:00

More than the beauty of Batanes, I think what struck me most about this place are the people, the Ivatan. They are the most heartwarming, friendly, and honest people I have ever met.

Before this trip, I've only met and knew one Ivatan, that's Crim. After this trip, I am happy to announce that the number increased. I had the chance to walk and converse with everyone of them. I adore children so most of my subjects are kids whom I've met while strolling around every corner of Batan and Sabtang Islands. I always found an excuse to stop by and chit chat. I have nothing but happy memories in this place all because of these happy Ivatan. :-)

I was telling one of my friends. "It's not bad to find someone here and get married!" The place is stunning, the food is great ...what else to ask for?

FIREWOOD GIRL. I met her in Sabtang while going inside one of the houses in Chavayan. I was actually aiming for the firewood against the stone houses (nice contrast I thought) but then I found a more interesting subject.

PEEPING BOY. I also met him in Sabtang. He was following me, I reckoned. But everytime I aim the camera at him, he would walk away. Finally after chasing him a few times, he granted me a shot. What a nice looking boy.

BESTFRIENDS. One of them was eating an ice cream, the other, green Indian mango. What could be better? And yes, I think they are best friends. I met them in Basco.

SABTANG KIDS. No, they are not the new kids on the block but you can call them that. They like to pose and pose behind the walls. The other kid (in blue short) was the one who was following me around.

STORE KEEPER. In front of the DDD Habitat, our residence in Batanes, there's this store which we kept on visiting for coffee, candies, or just about anything that we needed. And in this store is a kid who acted as a store keeper for his mom. He looked bored when I passed by for some packs of 3-in-1.

BONNET BOY. I met him at the back of the Basco lighthouse. I had no idea what he was doing there but I guess he likes observing the tourists. He seems like a nice kid.

WINDOW BOYS. They were watching a bunch of tourists who were passing by their house. I love how the window framed them. Yes, there were two of them.

-----------

[Postscript]

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home
With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps....

~ chocolate/snowpatrol

****

i felt his skin and got burnt. i touched his temples and for a few minutes i revived every lost verve. spiteful words make meaning, slowly weaving into something that makes sense. somehow, it's making sense. but the story was never revealed to me so i never knew what to expect. i lull at the moment that one day, our story will have an ending. hopefully, even though it's bitter, it will be better. and yes, i still long for the rain.

Batanes 02: Vayang Rolling Hills

2010-04-12T10:06:00.003+08:00

There is this particular scene in the 1965 musical film, The Sound of Music, which I remember so well because of the song, “The Hills are Alive” which Julie Andrews sang so well over a beautiful lush green hill. I knew this was taken somewhere in Europe but going to the Vayang Rolling Hills, the first place we’ve visited in Batanes, reminded me so well of this particular scene so much so that I wanted to sing while traversing the road on top of the rolling hills.

This is the first view you'll see standing at east side (on your right), trees and green grass. This serves a a good grazing area for cattle.

I was standing on top of the hill and saw a wide world of green, lush grass and felt the rushing of the wind against my face. My hair went crazy but the gush of wind felt good. Suddenly, all my worries were washed away. I wish I could have this rolling hills at my backyard that I could run to anytime I need space and some time to be alone (sarap mag-moment sa lugar na ‘to!).

On top of one of the hills, you'll get a glimpse of the Valugan Beach (boulder) also known for its boulders, huge rocks at the shore.

During our first day in Basco, the weather wasn’t as good as we’ve expected it. And for photo enthusiasts like Jay and I who hiked all the way to the top of the hills against the strong winds with our big cameras and tripods, the weather was a kill joy. We brought filters but it didn’t bring much vibrant to the very sad sky. The sky was as dull as a lazy cat meowing on a Sunday morning.

This is one of Jay's photos. He dramatizes the scene a little bit by using a filter (ND8). Making the sky and the view darker than the usual.

So what we did was just to enjoy the view. “God, the place was terrific,” I silently told myself. Everywhere I look, I only see beauty. The strong wind is a good ally if you don’t go against it. It carries your voice and your deepest thoughts somewhere. Somewhere at the top, the view of Mount Iraya was once again visible even with the dark clouds covering its tip. A heavy rain was about to pour.

Mount Iraya once again! :-)

A farmer prodding his cows for greener pasture. The cows are fat in Batanes, there are so much grass to graze.

Tall grasses, lush vegetation, wind...what else can you ask for? Even the rusty barbed wire looks great from here.

Deb is having her moment too, looking graciously at the sea. Who is she thinking, I thought.

One last pic before we hit the road. Here are my companions enjoying the wind on top of one of the hills.

Then we go back were we came from. A new batch of hikers are about to come up.

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Batanes 01: The Flight and Arrival

2010-04-08T12:27:00.007+08:00

There's this Portugese proverb that says, “Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure”. In my case, the pleasure starts at the aiport and heightens upon my arrival to a new place just as my foot was touching that unfamiliar ground.

It was from Crim that I first learned about Batanes, it was way back in college. I've heard of the place prior to that, but because she's an Ivatan and a close friend, the urge to know her roots and to actually experience the place was further intensified. She would always tell me stories about her hometown and how beautiful it is. She would tell me about her house and its proximity to her school and the park and I would only imagine them. A few years forward...I could not believe I was making this imagination into a reality.

Appreciating how beautiful Batanes is...I owe it to Ferdz and his blog. My fondness for the place grew deeper because of the tons of photos he took after his several visits and how he described them. His blog has became my "guide book" in exploring Batanes. It's like saying, "Everything I knew about Batanes I learned from Ferdz!" hehe.

So after five days...I was able to experience beautiful Batanes, finally.

I will be posting a series of entries starting with our flight and our arrival.

There were six of us. Deb, Etch and I were the first batch to check in. We were too early since the lady at the counter was still attending to the passengers going to Caticlan (excited masyado, hehe!). Nonetheless, she accommodated us. I was hoping not to check in my tripod but the guy who was taking our backpacks said it 's not an option. (Baka daw kase gawing armas para makapanakit, nu ba yan.)

Our flight is at 8:20 AM but way before our boarding, I already spotted the 30-seater SeaAir aircraft that would take us to Basco, Batanes. "Hmmm, looks promising!" I told myself. I have my own reservations about small aircrafts. I am not scared to die, but I am scared dying while in a plane.

Since we made an early check-in, we had the time to eat breakfast. Etch was thinking what SeaAir would be serving us. We were thinking of coffee and bread or way better since we paid so much for the tickets (much expensive than going to any SE Asian country). But instead, the flight attendant served us 4 pieces of Hi-Ho Nuts and a bottled water. Good thing we ate breakfast prior to our flight. I liked the Hi-Ho (garlic) though. Much better than Nagaraya (I think).

The whole trip was okay (except for a few air pockets that made my stomach churned). We had an amazing pilot, he's Korean or Chinese or Taiwanese. I took a stolen shot, Etch was teasing me.

Arriving at the airport, we were greeted by the beautiful view of Mount Iraya, a heavily forrested stratovolcano which is an important landmark for the Ivatans. And like any important marker, this too is loaded with stories and legends. Considered as a minor climb, Mount Iraya can be hiked 3-4 hours to the summit.

We were all excited to start our adventure in Batanes. Immediately, we proceeded at the arrival area to meet the people from DDD Habitat, our official residence in Basco, Batanes.

All tourists are required to register at IDJANG which means Ivatan Desk for Joint Action Network of Guides. They'll get basic information from each tourist visiting Batanes including contact numbers and emails.

While my companions were signing in, my eyes feasted over the photo exhibit of Mannie Barradas showcasing his captivating and amazing shots of the Islands. I got a bit carried away by the images that I didn't notice my friends already leaving the area. They were at the pickup point.

It was here that the staff from DDD Habitat picked us up. There were more photos exhibited at the waiting area.

----------

[Postscript]

My supervisor and I were interviewing applicants for the writer position and one of them, looking very corporate and preppy said, "Can I ask about the salary?". I had a hint that she's going to ask about it. Most "experienced" applicants reserve such question in the end. We told her about the starting salaries for writer and noticed by her facial expression that she wasn't quite happy about it. "I was hoping for 18K to 20K po sana since my current salary is 18K yun nga lang po graveyard shift kaya gusto ko mag-resign." This conversation reminded me of a previous applicant who just recently resigned. The same issue, same reason. I don't think we will be seeing her soon.

I bought a house in Batanes :-)

2010-04-05T19:15:00.007+08:00

Sorry for my misleading title but after my Batanes trip, that's exactly what was going through my head right now. I rarely fall in love with a place. In Batanes, I fell for it the moment my feet touched the ground and the first view I glanced upon was the stunning Mount Iraya and the faces of the beautiful Ivatans. The feeling was overwhelming and now, I kinda understand why Crim feels awfully melancholic everytime she leaves Batanes to go back to work in the city.

I could never afford owning a house in Batanes so I just bought a miniature Ivatan house. How ingenous, hehe. Aside from the tons of photos I took, all I have is this house, a handful of key chains and ref magnets, and loads of good memories of friends and the smiling faces Ivatans.

I will come back, I promise! :-)

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