I thought I had it all planned out in my head. I thought at that moment, everything is possible and nothing could go wrong. I used to be a pessismist. The picture did not turn out as "clear" as I hoped it would be.
"You'll remain a vague image in my head. It will never be clear for the both of us. There will always be the "rain" and the "wind" to come between us."
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Imagine a place you can always escape to. An island off the coast of nowhere. A new destination of your own creation. Just waiting till you chose to go there. ~ Plain White T's
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I love rainy days. Not because I am trying to be sentimental and poetic. I just love the feeling. Some of the really memorable things in-my-not-so-exciting-life happened when it was raining and it’s funny because I could remember them so vividly. As vivid as the number of teardrops that fell on the tiles of our bathroom every time I pour my heart's out.
“Catch 40 winks” …I just had to use this idiomatic phrase. I love its literary meaning.
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Watching Some Kind of Wonderful and Mrs. Winterbourne brings so much memories.
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Between the dusk of a summer night
And the dawn of a summer day
We caught at a mood as it passed in flight
And we bade it stoop and stay.
And what with the dawn of night began
With the dusk of day was done... ~ W.E. Henley
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[postscript]
Once, I have told a friend how fascinated I am with clouds. Not everyone likes the clouds, I said. Most of them would be fascinated with the blue sky but the sky would be (terribly) dull without the clouds. He couldn't agree more. I do not know if he was amazed by what I just said or was totally bewildered as to why I had suddenly revealed such insight when we never even talk. Everything started with the clouds. Dusk was just a backdrop.
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I do not know if I should tell someone a secret or not. Just for the purpose of making him (more) sensitive about the other person's feeling. But then again, I would break a promise if I did that. Should I? I just felt the pang of pain when he mentioned his name to her. Suddenly, I felt helpless for her. God, I wish I could do something for that friend.
I like waiting sheds because people come here to wait. But they are more than that.
Sheds have personalities, those that you can guess just by looking at its structures. How old it is, how well it’s maintained, it’s location, and how many people are actually going for it “to wait”.
I found this wonderful shed when I was in Korea. I was roaming around RDA early in the morning to take photos when the rain started to pour. I found this shed with nothing much except three green seats full of falling leaves on top of it and four wooden benches around the green seats. I was tempted to sit on one of the green seats but I wanted to preserve its actual look, the way I have found it. So instead, I sat on one of the four wood benches around it. The floor was covered with dried leaves, some of them were still fresh and some of them were falling on my head. I looked outside and it was raining hard. Then, all of a sudden, I felt this surge of sadness—the kind that eats you up inside. I don’t usually get that. Mostly it’s the fleeting loneliness, the one that you could get rid of given the proper diversion. This type of sadness was different (or so I thought at that time). I have wished for the rain to stop.
While waiting for the rain to subside, I saw the bespectacled Hyo-jung Lee standing in front of the shed with an umbrella. Smiling, she said to me “What are you doing there, Ms Rayts? Come in the office and we’ll drink coffee.” It was the second time that she saved me. One time, she showed me the way to the biggest bookstore in Suwon. Inside her office, she served me a piping hot mug of coffee. It was my last day in Suwon and I was thinking what to give her as a token. Hyo-jung was a few years older than me and she’s one of the few people I got along with during my one-week stay in Suwon. She has this cute habit of putting her arms in my arms whenever we take our pictures. I gave her a key holder before I left. I saw her put her keys in it. “So that I will always remember you!” she said with a big smile.
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[postscript]
I found the most charming letter. “I love you infinity times infinity much!” Obviously it was not meant for me. But my mind is playing (tricks) with me (again). Could it be that he intentionally did not remove the post-it so that I could see it? Or maybe not. How could I entertain such thought? Still, the possibility is there. God, I wish someone would say that to me. I will love you back (infinity times infinity).
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Went to see Eat Pray Love last night. The night was great. The movie was awful. All throughout the film, I was bothered by Julia Roberts unusually over-sized mouth and her unusually bony face. I am rude. I asked Dax to give me a copy of the book. I asked him to give it as a gift. I was a bit demanding but he owes me big time. Luckily he promised to buy me a copy.
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I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work. I love you. There...i said it!
When I was in Korea, we were stuck at this particular alley wherein a variety of women’s shoes were on display. Most of them were on sale. We were waiting for our bus to arrive and we just had our lunch then so all of us were just bumming around. If I am a shoe addict, this could be a haven for me. But because I am not into shoes, I just opted to look around and take photos. There’s this one particular brand of shoes that took my attention. The saleslady called them the “Soulmate Shoes”. I don’t know why but the way I interpreted it, women who wear these shoes are likely to find their match. "Hmm, interesting" I told myself. And then as I was examining the shoes, I saw the writings.
On top of the insole it said: “Love is all life for a woman. Soulmate desined by Korea” and then at the side, it said: “I am into you and sweetheart made in china”.
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[postscript]
She was a passive stalker. Contented by what other people feed on her. She checks every detail even if it means not missing a single dot. A smiley that used to mean nothing but a template from usual SMS now suddenly meant something.
When I was in Suwon, I walked the long road from the International Technical Cooperation Center (the place where we stayed) to the E-mart. It was a 15-20 minute walk. To get there, I had to climb an overpass. Half way through the overpass, I lingered and savored the moment. From there I could see the Suwon traffic and realized how busy life has been that sometimes I forget to stop and smell the air. It was an interesting sight, a bit different from the typical, chaotic, bustling Manila traffic. In Korea, it was all too orderly, spacious and less flurry. It rained a few hours ago so the street was wet and the air was fresh. I could have stayed there for hours but I had to buy groceries.
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Yesterday, Pat, Etch and I went to the hospital to visit our godchild who has been suffering from leukemia. He’s turning 2 this October and he’s been sick since he was a baby. His mother was talking to us about his condition and all the time I was staring at my godchild and I wanted to cry. His body was covered with blisters—a manifestation that he’s suffering inside. I was thinking, all his life he has known nothing but the feeling of physical pain. I think pain is the only thing he recognized. For awhile, I sincerely wished I could have at least have half of his pain…or maybe we, the godparents, could take a piece of his pain and bear them instead of him. Geezus, he is just a child. I’ve been praying hard these days. Mr. Brightside taught me how to pray. I used to pray but it was all too selfish…it’s all about me and how to deal with my own demons. Now, it’s all about other people and their happiness.
Was it just a coincidence that three of my friends are all heartbroken right now and that they came to me to confess? One is trying to heal from a 5-year relationship, one is trying to hopelessly get away from a married man (the first she ever loved according to her), and one who has been enduring an unrequited love (she's been loving the guy for too long, I think).
Recently, I have been shying away from this phrase: “can you keep a secret?” I have been a loyal secret keeper to the people who matter to me. It’s difficult sometimes –being the keeper of their secrets. Sometimes you wanted to reach out to them but because you need to pretend that you don’t know anything, you feel (terribly) hopeless. People who are hurting inside are probably the most vulnerable. Their hearts can be sliced at an instant even with the seemingly slight remarks or mere mention of the person who have hurt them.
This morning, as I was doing my routine at work, a friend from grad school (whom I have gotten close to in a short time) sent me a YM message. She said, “I have something to tell you!” That irky feeling came to me. "Oh not not again. Not this week!" I told myself. I was taking the hint that it might probably be about her confession about her unrequited love. For nine months, she’s been swooning on this guy who was in NZ and had desperately fallen in love with him. They've gotten close when the guy came to Manila for a short vacation. It turned out, I knew the guy. He was from my hometown and I knew him from high school. But we don't know each other on a personal level. I just recognized him from the photo which my friend showed me.
My friend told me that, finally she had the guts to confess her feelings to this guy (through an email). But she got dumped. He said he doesn’t want to cross the boundaries. He wanted for them to stay as friends. I said to myself: “Ouch! That must have (feckin) hurt!” My friend said. “No, I am okay now…I’ve gotten over the guy. I am free now!” She did the confession two weeks ago and she has moved on already? "What we have has been a hanging issue. And because he dumped me, now we have a closure. It's done and over with," she said.
She advised me: “Rayts you should do the same. You should tell him already!” Suddenly the table was turned.
I wish it was that easy. I wish I have the guts. I finally made a deal with that a long time ago. I will wait for the dew drops to fall...by then, maybe (just) maybe I would be able to do my own version of the "love letters and confessions". Thinking about it now, it feels so high school-lish!
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