I was singing it to you

This morning, RX played my song. Out of nowhere, it played MeLee's Can't Hold On.

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears

But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years

Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said

'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

Geezus, this song can make me cry at an instant. There's that air of sadness in Cris Cron's voice that gets me every time I hear him sing. A feeling of grief that is way beyond explaining.

--------

[random thoughts...]

...i watched Thor with friends, but i felt so alone. i don't understand.

...i want to watch Angel Locsin's ITNOL (maybe later)

...i saw MB the other day. the time was weird because we didn't expect to see each other there. and it was weirder because i just waved and did not even bother approaching or talking to him. crazy deed.

...i miss Oki and her contagious laugh. wala ng malulutong na tawa sa bahay. =(

...i need good vibes! I've been getting bad ones the last few days.

...i miss Fiona, i miss my family =(

...i've accomplished a lot these week, but i feel empty as if they were not enough.

...i wanted to get out. soon.

...been haggling my case to HIM. I hope HE'd grant me my wish.

...he said this to me once: "I need some time away from you."

It is only in writings...

…that you’ll get a piece of my mind and a piece of what I really wanted to say.

But even the most (seemingly) appropriate words seem to fail us when we need them.

--------

"UP is the only university in the country" ~ PNoy

That was according to Ninoy Aquino Jr. as recalled by his son, President Noynoy Aquino III, in his speech yesterday during the 100th Commencement Exercise of the University of the Philippines-Diliman. President Noynoy or PNoy as he is fondly called, a graduate of the Ateneo de Manila University, served as the keynote speaker during the graduation rites. Well, a non-UP graduate can always argue on that, but being a UP graduate myself, I guess I have to agree. =)

I was at the commencement exercise yesterday because a friend of mine, Miks, was one of the graduates. She earned her Masters in Technology Management. I am so happy and proud of what she has achieved in a matter of time. I envy her discipline and determination.

Crowd shot of the 4,000+ graduates in their sablay.

PNoy was the keynote speaker during the commencement exercise. UP Diliman awarded him the Doctor of Laws degree (honoris causa). With her in the photo is his sister, Aurora Corazon "Pinky" Aquino-Abellada.

The graduates giving the speaker an applaud and a standing ovation.

-------

I hope, wish, and pray that I will be able to wear my sablay next year! *crossing my fingers*

Sige na Lord! Malapit na ko ma-kickout sa college eh. hehe!

My first pair of TOMS

Last week, I bought my first pair of TOMS! I am planning of buying the limited edition (Journey is the Destination) when I get the chance. These shoes are really, really comfty! I guess, next to Chucks is Toms! (for me, at least).

If shoes make you feel better and it makes you wanna strut while walking comfortably, then I am all for it. This particular shoes is not just any ordinary pair of shoes. It comes with an advocacy. "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One."

and oh...did I mention it's navy blue? you know I like blue right? all shades of it.

------

[p.s]

mb: how'd you know it was my hand in the photo?

me: because it's hairy!

Ethan Marcus

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~ Maya Angelou

Yesterday, I was at St. Therese to be one of the godparents of my 11th godchild. Both his parents are my friends from the office. His mother was my schoolmate, my orgmate, my cubicle mate and has been a colleague of mine for more than five years now.

As we were attending the christening, two striped butterflies were hovering over us. They made their presence so visible that I was looking at them all the time. One of them would alight at a woman's skirt, at a man's shoulder while the other would hover on someone's head. The two butterflies stayed until the long and winding ceremony ended.

--------

I miss the owner of these eyes

There are moments in your life when you really miss someone that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. And then you’ll feel bad about it because you know that "hugging them for real" won't just happen (at least at that moment when you miss them). And you couldn’t do anything about it. You just have to suck on it, pacify yourself, and hope that tomorrow you’ll be okay. One of the side effects of missing someone is that there’s this pang of pain inside you, this certain, nameless void that wouldn’t just go away no matter what you do. It’s like a monster that needs to be fed. It just won’t stop until that void is filled.

I was never vocal about anything. But at least here, I could (loudly) say what my heart wants to say...

"Aaah, I miss her laugh!" =(

--------

Cold water

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

--------

Loneliness that roams

In front of my pc is a post-it with a quote written on it. I got the quote from a book I borrowed and read some months ago. The quote got me thinking so I wrote it down. This morning, as I was reading it for the nth time, it hit me—the meaning of every word and how it is implicating me.

“There is a loneliness that can be rocked.

Then there is a loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down.”

There are people I miss seeing and talking to, but I have no means of doing that. Or I chose not to do anything. I’ll just miss them again and it’s bad going through the same thing everyday. Missing someone and they’re not missing you back. Or telling them that you miss them and they would tell you, “Oh I didn't even notice it was that long time already.”

--------

This is the 11th day. =(

I miss being in a beach. Or I guess the idea of being in a beach. I am not really a beach person. I like mountains first and foremost. I miss the waves. I miss the splash. And I miss looking at the happy people playing with the waves.

The problem with sleeping (really) late...

...is that you get really, really sleepy when you are attending a meeting. No amount of caffeine could make this silly head awake. My head was drooping all the time. My eyes were shutting down on its own. Why do they have to schedule a meeting at two in the afternoon. Geezus.

--------

Bring your pain, but never wear it

You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name

Forgive me for stalking you. It wasn’t me that gives the orders. I have left my being the day I met you. What's used to be there is not there anymore. The “person before” is nonchalant and safe. The “person now” is vulnerable and sensitive. She hungers for your whereabouts and your business. In fact, every bit of information (no matter how trivial) bothers the “person now”. So forgive the “person now” for stalking you and for knowing that things that should be kept aside and the things that should be left unsaid.

This morning, I read this French quote from de Scudery: “L'amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie.”

And it hit me like a hardball. It’s true, “Love makes life's sweetest pleasures and worst misfortunes”. Not only that, L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux. One is very weak when one is in love. But I am not. Or am I?

The more one tries to avoid it, the more that it happens

Just like an old photo glued on the wall, eventually it would peel off no matter how one tries to glue it back. Some things are not meant to be. In the same manner that some things are bound to happen even if you tried hard to avoid it.

---------

...and then he said to her: "I am not just into you."

He said it so naturally as if he was just commenting about the weather. He said that on her birthday. Choosing between being crushed by a roving truck and being eaten alive right at that moment--proved no difference to her. She died that day.

Watching you walk away is like anticipating a shortcoming

The only difference is that, anticipating a shortcoming is (much) easier to do.

It’s true what Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave”. And it’s more difficult if you are the one being left behind or the one watching the other person leaves. That has always been the case. I wonder what it feels to be the one leaving. I hope you find what you're looking for because right at this moment, I may not be that vocal about it, but I already miss you (like hell). I had to get used to it. Talking to myself (at night).

-------

“Ang cute cute kase. One of my fondest memories of you. =)”

-------

we had a meeting a moment ago and the boss asked us if we could do a bible study once a week for spritual nourishment. if he had asked me about this last year, i would have run, never to be seen again. but because of a few certain things that i've been pondering on lately, i reckoned that, one should never be conclusive on things. justine bieber said: "never say never!"

And the truth that you'll find will always be the truth you hide

There once were eyes that only saw you
But you never knew.
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear.

~ Collective Soul

-------

[postscript:]

…I asked someone to pinch my arm because I was sleepy. She cautioned me, “Masakit ako mangurot!” I assured her, “Try me. I have high tolerance for pain.” And like a good soldier, she did pinch me. And she fuckin’ pinched me hard.

Sometimes, even though it’s painful, one has to pretend it’s not. That has always been the name of the game. To continue to smile even though a dagger has been lunged into your heart.

One has to live comfortably amidst life’s misery

...whether it’s impose or a lack of choice, what matter is you maintain your stance.

-------

[postscript:]

I went to see “Hereafter” the other day. I’ve always been attracted to "death" as a major plot for a movie. It’s amazing how a director could turn such cliché of a topic into something that is “much more” than what it is. I was never a fan of Clint Eastwood the actor. But Clint Eastwood the director is a revelation to me. He’s a rockstar! Okay, I may have exaggerated there a bit but, you’ll be the judge.

Invictus, Changeling, Million Dollar Baby, Mystic River, Bridges of Madison Country (and now Hereafter) – I love them all!

-------

I was at the bookstore yesterday and I bought a book. The title? “I Can Read You Like A Book” by G. Hartley (a former army interrogator) and M. Karinch (a nonfic writer). I don’t know exactly why I bought it but suffice to say, I need to graduate from being “clueless”.

Sometimes, you'd wish that the mind would just give up and stop thinking too much

This "sickness" is breaking me into little pieces. I dread closing my eyes. I could not make my mind to hold still. Like an anxious monkey, it keeps on swinging from one tree to the next, from one idea to another from one troubled mind to one more of that kind. Then, just as when I am about to get tired and find some sleep, there goes an awful dream. I usually forget them, but I bring them with me in my morning routine, that awful feeling of being chased by god-knows-what.

-----------

[postscript]

i could tell you names and weave a story out of them. that's how i've developed a keen ear-- by listening to your stories. i do not need notes to write down every detail. i've memorized them by heart. i even knew how and when you said those stories. i hope you've been listening to me as well, listening to my stories. because it would break my heart knowing that this friendship has always been a one-way road.

--------

for the nth time, a puzzle was taught to me, torturingly...

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

------

About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

-----
[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

Rainman

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

------

Healthy fear

There may be a natural, healthy kind of fear. But the kind of fear that I don't like and want not to obey is the fear that urges me to act contrary to my own feelings or to act before I know what my feelings are.

------

[postscript:]

There are (more than) times that I have contradicted myself in doing something that my mind has been set NOT TO DO but because I have a heart that is (totally) incapable of sticking to reason, I have to bend back an earlier decision and follow this sudden swerve. Ah, when will I learn?

I would stand in traffic just to follow you and in the middle of the street, I will cry out your name

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

~eecummings

------
[postscript]

I am supposed to write an article but I could not figure out where and how to begin. I am reading Random House’s Guide to Good Writing and it’s doing me no good, at least in making me want to start to write. i need my muse.

It’s raining here and I am catching 40 winks

I love rainy days. Not because I am trying to be sentimental and poetic. I just love the feeling. Some of the really memorable things in-my-not-so-exciting-life happened when it was raining and it’s funny because I could remember them so vividly. As vivid as the number of teardrops that fell on the tiles of our bathroom every time I pour my heart's out.

“Catch 40 winks” …I just had to use this idiomatic phrase. I love its literary meaning.

-------

Watching Some Kind of Wonderful and Mrs. Winterbourne brings so much memories.

------