Bring your pain, but never wear it

You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name

Forgive me for stalking you. It wasn’t me that gives the orders. I have left my being the day I met you. What's used to be there is not there anymore. The “person before” is nonchalant and safe. The “person now” is vulnerable and sensitive. She hungers for your whereabouts and your business. In fact, every bit of information (no matter how trivial) bothers the “person now”. So forgive the “person now” for stalking you and for knowing that things that should be kept aside and the things that should be left unsaid.

This morning, I read this French quote from de Scudery: “L'amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie.”

And it hit me like a hardball. It’s true, “Love makes life's sweetest pleasures and worst misfortunes”. Not only that, L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux. One is very weak when one is in love. But I am not. Or am I?

All the pretty horses

She loves rock music and keep it loud even with earphones. You fear that one day, she’ll have a problem with her sense of hearing because of that habit. Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Nirvana, Eddie Vedder. What are the odds? She loves books and traveling.

But most of all, she loves all the pretty horses and have been a great rider.

I am all that. Except that I’ve never ridden a horse.

--------

Last night, I went to see the movie, “Shaolin”. I thought it was a Jacky Chan film, it turned out that he was only playing a supporting role to Andy Lau. I never really expected much from the film as I just went there to be entertained. I never really had a plan of watching it. I just want to treat myself to a movie after going through a rigid exam. Surprisingly, I went home satisfied. The film imbued some nice realizations. Some really nice things to think about. What goes around, comes around.

--------

My boss confessed something that made me go through a lot of thinking lately. She asked: What do you value the most, loyalty or friendship?

We do what we do because of a certain conformity to what we think (and believe) is the best (or what is right). Not only because of self-preservation but because it is the right thing. But sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing.

And then you smiled back like it’s the only thing that mattered

It’s difficult to compose a poem about you
Everything becomes obvious and yet insubstantial
Subliminal as it may seem, every thing goes back
To that one, fine day in the South—right after I shrugged
and brushed off your presence.

------

[postscript]

A Story He Once Told Me

It was a bestfriend-falling-as-lovers kind of thing. And it happened to me once. I had a besfriend, Irene and we were close. I fell for her at the moment when our love was no longer meant to be. At the time that I realized it, she was already committed to another man, her boyfriend.

There was a time when after transfering into a new house, Irene felt scared. She was sensing some spirits in the new house and asked her bf to accompany him for awhile. The bf was not available so as her loyal bestfriend, Irene asked me instead.

It was a moment of reckoning. We were both lying on the bed. Irene’s head was resting in my arm and she looked at me and said, “I love you”. Instinctively, I answered back and said: “I love you too”. It was the most natural thing to do. It’s like we’ve felt it coming and saying it was just a recognition of our feelings. But just like any sweet dream that turned sour, we felt awkward after that. We parted ways.

A few weeks ago, Irene texted me, inviting me to attend her wedding. I told her I could not commit because the nature of my work requires traveling (sometimes on a short notice). Irene said: “I would really be disappointed if you would not be able to come to my wedding.” I said: “I am sorry.”

------

After telling me that story, we had this conversation.

Him: Was I bad for not attending her wedding?

Me: Yes, because why wouldn't you attend? Unless, you still have feelings for her which, I think you still have. I guess I don't see any reason why you'll abstain yourself.

Him: You don't understand. It would be more complicated for me to be there.

Me: Why?

Him: Because a friend of ours told me, she's still in love with me.

------

I don't know what to feel. I wanted to confirm something but I am afraid I will be asking the wrong question and it would ruin everything.

So near and yet so far

space is an odd thing to have
it goes beyond boundaries
you’re there—
I am here—
and yet our space never merged.

------

I touched your cheek twice. You let me. I regretted it. Now I have nothing to think about but your cheeks and that dirt on your face that I had to remove. You told me I am abnormal because I have no hairs growing on my skin. And then you touched my arm and set it against the light. "You have at least 3 hairs growing in your arms, that's about it!". You think I didn't notice? You like touching my arm.

-----

I am bothered by my friend’s dilemma. I would like to reach out to her but she would not let me. She would not even tell me things. The only reason why I am keeping myself visible online (even on a busy mode) was for her to buzz me and tell me: “hey!”

Rainman

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

------

And the heart says: "Don't condemn your feelings"

The mind retorts: "Not even for the condemnatory ones?"

------

[postscript:]

The day he went for that 3-day vacation, I felt a pang of jealousy. He will be having a grand time in a paradise-like white sandy beach while I was stuck in the office doing loads of OT. But then again, at the back of my mind, I knew that of all people, he deserved that break. "Kaw nga dami mo nang napuntahan eh!" he told me. The "jealousy" came out of nowhere really. It's just that the place is full of "cheesecakes" and I wasn't there and I would only be wondering what will happen in that very "conducive" paradise like beach.

I sent him an SMS the other day asking if he enjoyed his vacation. He affirmed. I asked him: "Naglakad ka ba sa buhangin ng nakatapak para ma-feel mo ang powdery sands?" He texted back: "Yes, first thing we did was walk barefoot on the sand" (and concluded it with a smiley). I dunno, but my heart sank that day.

I need this book

I do not need to explain. Do I?

------

[postscript:]

Just watched Social Network. It was a David Fincher flick, no wonder I liked it (err, Fight Club, Se7en, The Game-- all of them great films).

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius...no doubt about that. But as one of the characters said, "You're not an asshole Mark. You're just so trying hard to be!" --that's all it was. But I am glad Mark Z created Facebook. Goodness, aren't we all? It's just sad that "my Erica Albright" in real life doesn't even believe in FB so he doesn't have an account. In fact, he hated it. And I told myself: "Heck, what's the point of having an FB if I would not be able to stalk him?"

-----

It's almost one in the morning...someone sent an SMS...geezuz, a SMART alert. heck.

It's almost two in the morning and I can't get myself to sleep. No sign of drowsiness.

I am excited about my yoga class tomorrow. O yeah...I am into yoga now. Beat that.

Sleep, rayts...get some sleep!

Waiting shed

I like waiting sheds because people come here to wait. But they are more than that.

Sheds have personalities, those that you can guess just by looking at its structures. How old it is, how well it’s maintained, it’s location, and how many people are actually going for it “to wait”.

I found this wonderful shed when I was in Korea. I was roaming around RDA early in the morning to take photos when the rain started to pour. I found this shed with nothing much except three green seats full of falling leaves on top of it and four wooden benches around the green seats. I was tempted to sit on one of the green seats but I wanted to preserve its actual look, the way I have found it. So instead, I sat on one of the four wood benches around it. The floor was covered with dried leaves, some of them were still fresh and some of them were falling on my head. I looked outside and it was raining hard. Then, all of a sudden, I felt this surge of sadness—the kind that eats you up inside. I don’t usually get that. Mostly it’s the fleeting loneliness, the one that you could get rid of given the proper diversion. This type of sadness was different (or so I thought at that time). I have wished for the rain to stop.

While waiting for the rain to subside, I saw the bespectacled Hyo-jung Lee standing in front of the shed with an umbrella. Smiling, she said to me “What are you doing there, Ms Rayts? Come in the office and we’ll drink coffee.” It was the second time that she saved me. One time, she showed me the way to the biggest bookstore in Suwon. Inside her office, she served me a piping hot mug of coffee. It was my last day in Suwon and I was thinking what to give her as a token. Hyo-jung was a few years older than me and she’s one of the few people I got along with during my one-week stay in Suwon. She has this cute habit of putting her arms in my arms whenever we take our pictures. I gave her a key holder before I left. I saw her put her keys in it. “So that I will always remember you!” she said with a big smile.

---------

[postscript]

I found the most charming letter. “I love you infinity times infinity much!” Obviously it was not meant for me. But my mind is playing (tricks) with me (again). Could it be that he intentionally did not remove the post-it so that I could see it? Or maybe not. How could I entertain such thought? Still, the possibility is there. God, I wish someone would say that to me. I will love you back (infinity times infinity).

---------
Went to see Eat Pray Love last night. The night was great. The movie was awful. All throughout the film, I was bothered by Julia Roberts unusually over-sized mouth and her unusually bony face. I am rude. I asked Dax to give me a copy of the book. I asked him to give it as a gift. I was a bit demanding but he owes me big time. Luckily he promised to buy me a copy.

-----------

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work. I love you. There...i said it!

It’s funny how everything and anything reminds me of you...

...including a 16 oz. of Figaro’s piping hot brewed coffee.

---------

[postscript]

random...

...been out the past few days. 3 weeks of overtime is no joke. every bit of me is aching (physically). i've been having this cough and colds for two weeks now and i am growing sick and tired of it. people must have gotten used to hearing me "bark!" geesuz.

...yesterday, i went out to have a date with myself. i wanted to spend the whole Sunday visiting bookstores, watching a great film and enter a coffee shop doing nothing but watching the people passing by. that's the old me. i enjoy doing these things. i did and it was nice. i visited powerbooks (they have a new outlet at the other building of megamall, a smaller one, i like their old place though). i planned on buying a really nice book but opted not to because i am afraid that i wouldn't be able to read the other books in my shelves which are begging to be read. i also went to see Ben Affleck's The Town which was surprisingly good. I wanted to watch Eat, Pray, Love but the time wasn't conducive. I did stay inside a coffee shop, just watching people's shoes. I sipped and I watched them passed by. shoes. all kinds.

...tomorrow i have to be in Pampanga for another mind-numbing meeting on biotechnology. i had to fill in for my boss. i miss my cube. i wish i am just in my cube for the next few days. i miss travelling. never on official business.

...i miss being on top of a mountain. i miss the cold air there.

... i dread christmas.

You’ve been very busy lately you didn’t even notice I was watching you closely

When I was in Suwon, I walked the long road from the International Technical Cooperation Center (the place where we stayed) to the E-mart. It was a 15-20 minute walk. To get there, I had to climb an overpass. Half way through the overpass, I lingered and savored the moment. From there I could see the Suwon traffic and realized how busy life has been that sometimes I forget to stop and smell the air. It was an interesting sight, a bit different from the typical, chaotic, bustling Manila traffic. In Korea, it was all too orderly, spacious and less flurry. It rained a few hours ago so the street was wet and the air was fresh. I could have stayed there for hours but I had to buy groceries.

---------
Yesterday, Pat, Etch and I went to the hospital to visit our godchild who has been suffering from leukemia. He’s turning 2 this October and he’s been sick since he was a baby. His mother was talking to us about his condition and all the time I was staring at my godchild and I wanted to cry. His body was covered with blisters—a manifestation that he’s suffering inside. I was thinking, all his life he has known nothing but the feeling of physical pain. I think pain is the only thing he recognized. For awhile, I sincerely wished I could have at least have half of his pain…or maybe we, the godparents, could take a piece of his pain and bear them instead of him. Geezus, he is just a child. I’ve been praying hard these days. Mr. Brightside taught me how to pray. I used to pray but it was all too selfish…it’s all about me and how to deal with my own demons. Now, it’s all about other people and their happiness.

of bubble lights and coffee press

I told myself, “Today, I would be a willing soldier. I will come with you whenever, wherever. Because I am collecting memories!” Those that I could return to when the time comes that we’ll part ways and I have nothing to hold on to but those little snippets of our time together. And I feel that that time will come sooner than expected. One of us will leave. Literally.

I remember you told me (not once) : “I need some time away from you!” Greatness. Am I such a burden to you?

You told me you’ll give up your job and just let your brother handle it for you. You said: “Masaya yun kasama matutuwa ka sa kanya!” Goodness, how could you be so insensitive?

I have been accustomed to the fact that in between good conversations you have this annoying habit of constantly mentioning her name and the place that you’ve been to and the situation in vivid manners…but does it have to be in my zone? Goodness, must you mention her all the time? Hello, I am collecting my own memories here. Stop mentioning your past relationships. But one thing is sure. You’ll never see what goes on inside this insipid head of mind. I will never give you the satisfaction. Never.

And then as if those are not enough, must you really mention your “flirtatious” moments with a stranger? “How dya know she’s flirting with you?” I asked. “She was starting a conversation with a total stranger!” you answered. “That’s not flirting, what if she's just being polite!” You said: “No she’s not.” And so, I rested my case. You should know better. I am the neophyte here.

I don’t like “cheesecakes”. I was never fond of them. I just look but I would never take a bite out of these “cheesecake” so for crying out loud, stop calling me a toblerone. I’ll never be. That I have known for a fact.

---------

You are intoxicating...

...like these two glasses of wine. I wish I was sharing them with you. :-D

---------

Most of the time I wonder...

...do you even think of me?

That despite the seemingly harsh words and taunting, I feel nothing but true affection and care. You always put up a mask, leave me clueless and more confused than ever. One time you're harsh than a stormy wind, another time you're sweet as a honeycoated nuts.

Do you really care for me? Or am I just making things up?

I wouldn't know. I might (never) know.

---------

mr. brightside touched and rubbed my back, i guess it was his way of comforting me.

mr. brightside and i had lunch. just the two of us.

I try to look up as much as I can

…hoping to see a different perspective, hoping that in that angle I will forget.

---------

[postscript]

Missing “their” company
Today is the second week. I will never be used to this empty ‘space’. There used to be so much warmth and sound. I missed bumping into someone and greeting them with so much oomph. Now it was all too quiet and solemn. I’ve gotten (so) used to their faces and company, now I look around and see nothing but gaps and unspoken verves. The office looks miserable without them. Heck, I miss my friends.

----
Mr. Brightside your shine never ceases
You and I
We might be strangers
How ever close we get sometimes
Its like we never met ~ wilco

Your influence rubs off like a glue. It sticks, it lingers. I' am scared that one day, you will leave too (or me, for that matter) and I've gotten used to such presence and 'closeness' that I do not know what to do if I call and you won't be there to answer. You always say the right things at the right time even the right words to say. Always safe, nonetheless sincere. There is no room for assumption but my mind always plays tricks on me. I will wait for the day. I made a deal two months ago. I will keep my part of the bargain even if it means, forever losing you.

----
Leaving
I hope the trip pushes through. I hope. I need sometime away. Fate, be my alliance. Be on my side. Grant me this, just this one.

I like to hold your hand one day…

...if not for this painful “prick” between us.

-------

Audrey Tautou in his mind

He was drawing her in his mind—
Even though her face was vivid as the striking sun
Her eyes, her cheeks, her voice.

Who is she, I asked
And gave me his much loved lines —
The one who got away
My what-could-have-been
A chapter I could not delete
A name that still causes a jab in my heart.
“My soulmate”.

~ raytsdc 26/01/10/darkcorner

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Persimmon for the uncomprehending brain

There are those days when you could not write. Lack of materials, slothful moments, lexis, pesky editor, work pressure —whatever is the reason they are there, constant impediments to your productivity.

But there are MORE of those days when you could not write just because you lack the ability to construct even one heck of a sentence that makes sense. Work brain, work!

-------

mr. brightside sent something. one of my favorite things in the world but it was sent "for us".

No “soft ripples” today

We come and go like ripples in a stream...

---------

[postscript]

“Trip through your wires”

For the last two days, “people” have been coming and going into my boss’ cube and for the last two days I could hear a conundrum of emotions pouring in—people asking for advice. Where the hell am I? For awhile, I thought I was in a psych’s office. “Okay guys, consultation hour is over!” I wanted to shout out. My boss has instantly become a shrink. Okay, it’s not my fault that I hear them. Their voices are overpowering my music. What’s going on in the world?

In as much as I wanted to give a lady-gaga-poker-face attitude, I could not. I hate the fact that it’s taking over Bono’s voice. U2 sound wickedly awful with that kind of murmur in the background. So I took off my earphone and went with the flow. I was pretending to be busy with "other" things but I was all ears.

Patient #1: “Bakit kailangan nila kaming singilin sa ganoong paraan?” (this was followed by a yowl).

Patient #2 “Yan naman ang nagiging problema sa mundo kapag walang balanse,” (said in a spiteful tone).

Again, what's going on with the world? Can't this people find a better place to vent?

Afterwhile, I could not bear it anymore. I went back to my own world. Happy to hear Bono singing again...

-------

mr. brightside...for the fourth day. i should make him a poem. looks like he is exceeding my expiration. what is wrong with this equation: me + gown + wedding = funny. hmmm.

Addressing my “Full Moon”

So near…and yet so far.
I hope you stop hiding from the shadow of tree.

---------

[postscript]

“Bullet the blue sky”

Yesterday, I got an email from my cubicle mate. Yes, we email each other even though we’re just three steps away. She said, “Please open your e-mail”. It was way passed 6 in the evening and she was about to leave the office. She just had a brief meeting with D'Boss. I got curious so I immediately obliged. The subject of the email said: “SAVE THE DATE: We’re Getting Married!”

I was stunned for awhile. I knew that she’s engaged and that she’s planning to get married but I never thought it would be this soon. But instantly, I felt happy for her. The groom is also from the office (from a different unit) so I’ve seen how their relationship bloomed and grew into something that is beyond anybody’s expectation. I call them the “cool couple”. Both of them are kind-hearted people, and have good reputations in the office for being hardworking and considerate. I am more close to the girl because she’s been my cubicle mate for the last four years and we can talk pretty much anything and everything under the sun. Well, not everything but I am comfortable talking to her.

Here’s the sad part. I won’t be able to make it to her wedding. I told her: “Why this date? I mean, out of the many dates why did you choose this?” The thing is, my cousin (who’s dear to me) will get married on the same day and I have to fly to Tacloban to be one of her secondary sponsors.

Oh well. But really, I was happy to see that my cubicle mate will no longer bear her maiden name. Good for her. :-D

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mr. brightside said something to me that i might not forget for the rest of the week. he told me: "pain is but for a moment; regret echoes to eternity."

mr. brightside has a funny habit this week. for 3 days straight. i wonder what's going on in his head.