Cold water

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

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Direction, not intention dictates destination

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Intention wanes and (often) changes. But once you set your direction on something, you must follow it. There's no one, distinct path to your goal but you are bound to choose which way to go. I am determined to go there (no matter what).

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I don't usually get envious about something. Not with money or material stuff. But last night, as I was looking at a photo of this girl in Nami Island, I felt the urge to be there. Suddenly, I felt like going there as well--the same feeling I had for Angkor Wat a few years back. It's more of a "need" rather than a simple want to be in that place. I feel like I ought to be there as well. No other reason, I just need to go there. I am crossing my fingers on this one. I hope my savings are enough to back me up.

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4 days and counting...i hope i will reach the end.

And the only thing I look forward to these days...

...is the day that I will be "running away" again. 41 days to go...To smell a different air. To see a different view. To meet new faces. To capture images from my mind into a frame. To witness a dream coming into reality. Maybe better than my Mount Kinabalu adventure or my backpacking tours in SE Asia, but the thing is... I AM DOING WHAT I LOVE BEST.

SPACE. AIR. RUNNING AWAY. I leave hoping to COME BACK recharged and hopefully, INTACT. I need a new perspective.

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Dreaming of sunflowers

I had a dream last night and it was all about sunflowers.

I ran through a quick literature search on the net and found this:

"To see a sunflower in your dream, symbolizes warmth, abundance, longevity, and prosperity. The sunflower also serves to point you in the right direction and is a source of spiritual guidance. Even through difficult times, you will persevere. Alternatively, the sunflower may denote haughtiness. You may be deceived by the false appearance of others. "

I would not know really but before this day ended, I found some sunshine of truthfulness in these words: "height of achievement".

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[postscript:]

A lot of things have been happening to me lately (or at least, the last few weeks). So much so that this blog could not even catch up with these "little achievements" I've been earning (ha! ang yabang ko!). Of course these "little achievements" would not come without any downside to go along with them but everything seems manageable (or so I think). Achievements and distraught pretty much complement my life. Yea, I am a walking contradiction, you might say.

My workload is a heavy shit to bear. But the weather is on my side. I've been loving the effect. And my caffeine intake is getting worst than usual.

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I was happy to know that my brother had passed the Chief Mate Licencure Exam. We had a fight a few days before due to some unnecessary remarks. I called him a few minutes ago and congratulated him. He was happy and he was thankful that I called. I was happy too. My brother and I, we are not that close, but I love him to death. :-)

My lady

I was chasing a boy. A boy I barely knew except his name which I fondly call every now and then, mostly in my dreams. One day, out of the blue...he showed me a photo and with a glee in his heart he said: "Meet my lady!" That day, my heart was crushed into pieces.

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Tale of the Chucks Addict and the Snow Dreamer

We were doing some 'overhauling' inside the house i.e., fixing things, moving bookshelves, putting unused things inside the box, cleaning inches of dust here and there...and found myself staring at my Chucks. Weird. It's still a wonder to me how I get caught up with things easily; and how my attention can focus on the seemingly trivial things in life, such as my Chucks. You see, I am a fanatic of this shoes. I like wearing them for one. One pair was never enough. I got three of them now and my heart says I need one more. A funky looking one, which I found myself staring at lately at the mall.

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I am starting reading one of Gregory Maquire's works, The Dream Stealer. This morning, I went over the first line in the prologue which says: The night is dark, and the wind is high and strong and smells of snow: so gather close around the fire, my little friends, and I will tell you a tale of Baba Yaga the witch.

I stopped reading after the first line and asked myself: How does the snow smell like, anyway?

I've seen snow in the movies, lots of them actually. But I haven't really encountered or felt a real one on my hands. And I find it weird that I have grown so familiar to snow but never really touched it for real. Thus, whenever I read something about the snow, all I could do is imagine. It has become an annoying habit though that because of this urgent need to feel the snow, I would instinctively put my hand inside the freezer and scrape some ice inside it. Then my hands would get numb and I had to stop dreaming altogether again.