Looking for the edges

The song’s in my head again
Of things that I never said
In my heart you’ll hear the words
It’s heard in the things we do

- Melee

I do not know how long have I been staring at this sliding door, but the colors from the stained glass just engulfed me. 

It conjures images. It enticed me to look further...to wait. But no one came. He did not even show his face.

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[postscript]

Our golden ret was found yesterday. Well, she was not really found, she just came home to us. She must have strayed away for days and was not able to come back. She looked famished and she was really smelling awful the day she arrived. But we were all happy that she came back.

***

I have not seen MB for ages. Literally. I could tell you the days, but that would just make things worst. No amount of cheesecake could pacify the feeling. I could eat a whole cake and the feeling won't go away.

***

In a matter of days, my Leave of Absence will be over. I will be working again, bound for my 8-5 job. Not that I don't like it, but it's nice being a bum. My remaining days is spent mostly inside the bookstores, cinemas, coffee shops, or at my parents' house practically sleeping the whole day. 

This strap is as important...

This photo was taken by a friend, Sidney Snoeck in one of our outreach activities in Tondo. More than me, being in this image, I really liked how he was able to capture my camera strap. He may not know it, but to me this strap is as important (or perhaps more important) than the camera itself. MB gave this strap to me on my birthday. And I have been using it ever since. Crazy as it may sound but it's one of the most important gifts I had ever received that year. He knew I badly needed a strap on my neck. :-p

This tree makes me feel a bit nostalgic

This Christmas Tree has been in the family for as long as I could remember. Prior to that, we've only had the "real" Christmas tree every year. My father is a gardener, and he's been growing some tree that my mother would often ask to cut so that we could have a tree for the season. Then my siblings and I would decorate them for the holidays. Before the New Year, the tree would dry up and would really look ugly. It looked like an old lady with all those heavy, colorful bangles hanging around her hair. When my mother bought this Christmas Tree, things started to change. We grew up, we changed house, my siblings had their own families and the tree is still there. Standing tall every Christmas Eve. :)

[postscript]

MB greeted me on Christmas Day. Two hours before December 26 started. It was a conscious effort not to text him. Usually, I take the initiative to greet him first. I just wanted this year to be different. When he did not greet me on the morning of Christmas day, I thought he'd forgotten. And I felt okay with that. Then at 10 PM, usually, his bed time, he greeted me. 

If I touch your hand, would you avoid it?

Once, you told me about this girl who tried to hold your hand and how in an effort not to hurt her feelings, you change the topic of your conversation and avoided touching her hand. And then you asked me, wondering why after that incident, “di na siya nagparamdam”. Sa isip ko lang, "manhid ka ba or nagpapansin lang?" Then I felt (sorry) for the girl.

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[random thoughts...]

I miss going to my favorite bookstore. It's too far from the office and the only thing I could do after work is go home and pray that I would be able to sleep (earlier) than usual. My body has been aching for ENOUGH sleep. But this stupid brain is monkey-hunting again.

I overshoot my expenses last month, hence the need to deprive myself of the "luxuries" -- I want new books, a new prime lens, a new watch, and a new backpack. blah. dream on!

I miss having coffee with myself. =/ I miss singing in a videoke with my friends. I miss Korean food.

I wanted to watch the DFF Concert. I wanted to see Sunshine Corazon sing live. Bullocks, they have overpriced the tickets. Was it because Michael Bolton was in it? Bleh. Antayin ko na lang sa youtube, hehe.

I received my official invitation from China yesterday. Hmm.

Sometimes you think too much that you miss out on the important details

I was awakened by a deafening silence. I searched for the clock and it said 3:30 AM. I remembered closing my eyes at around 2 AM and my mind went on “monkey-hunting” again—wondering from places to places, only to end up to this lingering image…yours.

In the photo: Salagdoong Beach, Siquijor

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[random thoughts...]

I was a bit rude to MB (or so I think). I felt he was reaching out to me but I was busy with feeling "toxic" that I did not care enough. "Kamusta ka na?" he asked. "Ahm, okay lang." I replied. Then he asked again, "are you really okay? parang hinde eh." He was right, I felt ill that day. I hate saying it but he reads me so well.

If every thing works out well, I will be in Beijing in November. I've been dreaming of Badaling. Hopefully I get to "walk in to these great walls".

I have been stonewalling again. =(

I have been thinking on the idea of buying a prime lens but there's just too many expenses to consider first. I want a new TNF backpack.

October 25--> a date I should remember.

I have been alone with you inside my mind

I am addicted to the horrible pain of wanting somone so unattainable.

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You could see me reaching...so why couldn't you have met me half way? ~ Incubus

The space between us...

...although invisible, will always set both our hearts apart.

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[postscript]

Off to Baras in a while...

The heart is a lonely hunter

You're always looking out for her...making sure she's okay, making sure she's being cared for...even from a distance; exactly what I have been doing...always looking out for you.

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[postscript]

sabi niya: Isang libro lang ang value mo, di sapat para i-book launch.

sabi ko: Okay lang, hardbound naman at dahil nag-iisa, hard to find.

hang-ups and baggages

I was at PowerBooks the other day. I had no money and no intention of buying any particular book. I just needed to wind away my time because I was early for this group meet at Figaro. As I was looking over the books, I found Doris Lessing’s “The Golden Notebook” which has a rather interesting quote at the back (or at least, it was something that struck my curiosity so I picked it up). I wanted the book.

For one, Lessing is British. Second, it’s a work that explores mental and societal breakdown or what Lessing referred to as "inner space fiction". Third, it’s included in TIME Magazine’s 100 best English-language novels (1923-present). But like I said, I had no money and had no intention of buying any particular book. Perhaps tomorrow.

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[Random Thoughts]

You know what they say about keeping things to yourself so as not to create fuzz or issues to other people? Well it’s true. But for me, I keep things to myself because I am afraid of people judging me. I tend to say things I don’t mean to say all because I want people to always feel good about themselves (even at the expense of hurting or belittling myself).

MB was in LB last weekend. He told me that their whole family was having a double-celeb for K and his dad. He said I could pass by the resort if I have the time. I said I’ll try. I told him it was my brother’s birthday. At the back of my mind, I had no intention of going. And then he asked: “Di ka na dumaan?” I said (in a joking manner): “Sabi mo lang naman dumaan e. Di mo naman sinabi yung pangalan ng resort”. He retorted: “I thought kung dadaan ka tatanungin mo kung saan.” What is wrong in this scenario??? Haha. My friend said, it was all on me. I am the problem. She told me, I do not know how to read a hint. Until now, I could not see the "hint". heck, if you asked someone to go somewhere, I think it's nothing but natural to immediately say where you wanted that person to go right? right? (or maybe my friend was right). I am the problem.

The other day I was craving for a slice of Uno’s cheesecake. Yesterday, it’s gelato-on-stick (pistachios). I wonder what will I be craving in the next few days.

We’re having this outreach program this coming Saturday. I was quite happy on the turnout of people who wanted to help us. I never thought I would come up with sponsorships for 43 kids. I still have a few pledges on my account and donations in-kind. Happy, happy. People are genuinely kind.

I am beginning to feel edgy about my thesis proposal. Looks like I need an overhaul and…FOCUS. Brrr!

I was singing it to you

This morning, RX played my song. Out of nowhere, it played MeLee's Can't Hold On.

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears

But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years

Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said

'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

Geezus, this song can make me cry at an instant. There's that air of sadness in Cris Cron's voice that gets me every time I hear him sing. A feeling of grief that is way beyond explaining.

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[random thoughts...]

...i watched Thor with friends, but i felt so alone. i don't understand.

...i want to watch Angel Locsin's ITNOL (maybe later)

...i saw MB the other day. the time was weird because we didn't expect to see each other there. and it was weirder because i just waved and did not even bother approaching or talking to him. crazy deed.

...i miss Oki and her contagious laugh. wala ng malulutong na tawa sa bahay. =(

...i need good vibes! I've been getting bad ones the last few days.

...i miss Fiona, i miss my family =(

...i've accomplished a lot these week, but i feel empty as if they were not enough.

...i wanted to get out. soon.

...been haggling my case to HIM. I hope HE'd grant me my wish.

...he said this to me once: "I need some time away from you."

There are those that you’d rather admire from a distance…

… mainly because it’s good for them, to remain unconscious and untouched. You want them to stay as they are, unknown of your existence.

About the Photo:

The sunflowers in UP Diliman are in bloom now. I was able to take photos during Miks' graduation. Flower power. Sunflower is one of my favorite subjects...there are just so many angles to explore. :-)

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{Random notes}

* After months of neglect and dilly-dally, I was able to finish Ha Jin’s Waiting. I am starting with a new book, Tim Lott’s White City Blue and so far, it’s quite interesting. I hope it won’t take me months before I finished it. Anyhow, I was amused after reading these lines:

“I know now that life is a habit, more or less. You do something, then you do it again, then again, and before you know it, that’s what you are, and that’s who you are, and you can’t imagine being anything or anyone else.”

* I have tasted the best cheesecake yesterday. It’s from Gumbo’s. The best part of course is that, I was sharing it with my favorite people.

* I gave K a bag of books yesterday and I was happy. It really feels good finding someone who has a huge appetite for reading books. And she’s just what, 11 or 12 years old? She said, her mom is also a voracious reader. I knew for a fact that her mom and I have exactly the same taste for music. And that she likes horses.

* It’s nice that I could talk to K with a little ease now. Even though she’s a little girl, I always feel like I am talking to someone my age (or perhaps more mature than me).

* K knows quite a bit about me. And I was quite a bit surprise. She knows I am a coffee addict. She knows I love books. She knows I love eating chicken. She knows I am awful when it comes to direction and she teases me about it. The other day, I told her that I love the smell of new books and that I smell them first before buying them. She finds it weird but she let me smell her new book.

* My mind tells me, I badly need some diversion. Sleeping (very) late is slowly taking over my body. I usually feel (really) weak and sleepy during the day. One time, he asked the condition of my sleeping problem and I told him, it's the same. I couldn't tell him that, partly...he was the reason I couldn't put myself to sleep. What a bummer!

* It's Holy Week...and I plan on working. There's just so much to do. =(

My first pair of TOMS

Last week, I bought my first pair of TOMS! I am planning of buying the limited edition (Journey is the Destination) when I get the chance. These shoes are really, really comfty! I guess, next to Chucks is Toms! (for me, at least).

If shoes make you feel better and it makes you wanna strut while walking comfortably, then I am all for it. This particular shoes is not just any ordinary pair of shoes. It comes with an advocacy. "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One."

and oh...did I mention it's navy blue? you know I like blue right? all shades of it.

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[p.s]

mb: how'd you know it was my hand in the photo?

me: because it's hairy!

Cold water

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

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I want to grow old with you, unfortunately you have someone else in mind

What I am to you is not real

What I am to you, you do not need

What I am to you is not what you mean to me

You give me miles and miles of mountains

And I'll ask for the sea

And I'll ask for the sea

People have this annoying habit of wanting something that they knew they could not have. Always taking it as the “challenge” and they apply this (even) with people —wanting someone so bad they knew they could not have and when the time comes that they’ve been rejected they blame it on fate.

I cannot fight destiny. I cannot fight what was written. All I could do now is to "kill" this hope so that it will not spring again and I could move on with the next chapter of my life.

The more one tries to avoid it, the more that it happens

Just like an old photo glued on the wall, eventually it would peel off no matter how one tries to glue it back. Some things are not meant to be. In the same manner that some things are bound to happen even if you tried hard to avoid it.

---------

...and then he said to her: "I am not just into you."

He said it so naturally as if he was just commenting about the weather. He said that on her birthday. Choosing between being crushed by a roving truck and being eaten alive right at that moment--proved no difference to her. She died that day.