Cold water

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

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Loneliness that roams

In front of my pc is a post-it with a quote written on it. I got the quote from a book I borrowed and read some months ago. The quote got me thinking so I wrote it down. This morning, as I was reading it for the nth time, it hit me—the meaning of every word and how it is implicating me.

“There is a loneliness that can be rocked.

Then there is a loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down.”

There are people I miss seeing and talking to, but I have no means of doing that. Or I chose not to do anything. I’ll just miss them again and it’s bad going through the same thing everyday. Missing someone and they’re not missing you back. Or telling them that you miss them and they would tell you, “Oh I didn't even notice it was that long time already.”

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This is the 11th day. =(

I miss being in a beach. Or I guess the idea of being in a beach. I am not really a beach person. I like mountains first and foremost. I miss the waves. I miss the splash. And I miss looking at the happy people playing with the waves.

Watching you walk away is like anticipating a shortcoming

The only difference is that, anticipating a shortcoming is (much) easier to do.

It’s true what Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave”. And it’s more difficult if you are the one being left behind or the one watching the other person leaves. That has always been the case. I wonder what it feels to be the one leaving. I hope you find what you're looking for because right at this moment, I may not be that vocal about it, but I already miss you (like hell). I had to get used to it. Talking to myself (at night).

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“Ang cute cute kase. One of my fondest memories of you. =)”

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we had a meeting a moment ago and the boss asked us if we could do a bible study once a week for spritual nourishment. if he had asked me about this last year, i would have run, never to be seen again. but because of a few certain things that i've been pondering on lately, i reckoned that, one should never be conclusive on things. justine bieber said: "never say never!"

Sometimes, you'd wish that the mind would just give up and stop thinking too much

This "sickness" is breaking me into little pieces. I dread closing my eyes. I could not make my mind to hold still. Like an anxious monkey, it keeps on swinging from one tree to the next, from one idea to another from one troubled mind to one more of that kind. Then, just as when I am about to get tired and find some sleep, there goes an awful dream. I usually forget them, but I bring them with me in my morning routine, that awful feeling of being chased by god-knows-what.

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[postscript]

i could tell you names and weave a story out of them. that's how i've developed a keen ear-- by listening to your stories. i do not need notes to write down every detail. i've memorized them by heart. i even knew how and when you said those stories. i hope you've been listening to me as well, listening to my stories. because it would break my heart knowing that this friendship has always been a one-way road.

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for the nth time, a puzzle was taught to me, torturingly...

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

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About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

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[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

I do not know which is more hurtful. Imagining something to be true or discovering that what you have just imagined is indeed the truth. It’s like the more I stab you, the more afflictions I get.

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Refuge

Deep in the lake, over a fallen leaf hangs like a blue thread vanished and trite. A doldrum of winged hour that dropped from nowhere, he clasped my heart and captured my thoughts. To others, he was just a lone, blue dragonfly resting on a yellow, fallen leaf. To me, he's a refuge.

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[postscript]

I was told: "You're such a blessing, you know that? I'm fortunate to have a good friend like you."

The head is such an exaggerated place. It hits you right even before real things happen.

Guiding me to safety

And why is it when I've finally decided to give up on you, you'll come and say things like: "You're the first person I am praying for at night." You're crazy. But I think I am crazier for believing.

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[postscript]

... The Philippines is like a huge oven right now and unless you're inside an air conditioned room, you'll bound to die from dehydration and headache. geezus.

... Together with my sister, her hubby, Fiona, and a younger cousin--we went to see Shrek:Forever After. I loved it. I love Shrek! :-)

...Favorite phrase of the day: "Off the wall"

...Favorite name of the day: Marselies (a Belgian friend whom, for some strange reasons, I kept on remembering the past few days). I wonder how shes's doing right now. The lost in communication was partly my fault. :-(

In the confusion and aftermath, you are my signal fire

...the only resolution and the only joy
is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

Why would you want to sing a song repeatedly if it doesn’t mean anything to you?

Why would you keep looking at a photo of a boat cruising over serene water on one April morning if as you said, "it's just an image produced by a distress heart trying to melancholize and romanticize everything"?

And why in the hell would you keep taunting my peace of mind when you knew I would never give in?

Why would you keep on repeating things when you already know the result?

It’s irrelevant. It is beyond one’s logic.

I reckon that some people do certain things consistently without (really) knowing the reasons. All they know is that, amidst the pain, they find some happiness doing it. After sometime, you’ll notice that out of that consistency and pattern the pain goes away and you’ll be contented with what’s left…emancipation.

Paddling from where I was

For days, I’ve been paddling my own canoe, only to find out that I was going nowhere. I am where I was. Some thing I realized just a few minutes ago.

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I took this photo when I was in Pearl Island in Guiuan, Eastern Samar. The four of us were riding a Seeker, a small boat with a hole covered in glass at the center of its floor. This boat enables us to see the species below the water without actually getting ourselves wet, hence the name. It is also a strategic way to protect and to keep the species in the sanctuary undisturbed.

There's this guy who paddles the Seeker. He was in front of us. Aside from paddling, he also served as a tour guide explaining to us why the Pearl Island is called as such and how oysters are being cultured. Half way through his explanations I wasn't listening anymore. Rather, I was looking and observing him...and the way he paddles through the deep water. It was obvious, he was struggling.

Canigao Island: Almost like Potipot but NOT quite

View of the whole Canigao Island from Brgy Itom with the lighthouse at the far, right side.

Every time I go and explore a new place, I try to find certain uniqueness to it. Going to Canigao Island reminded me of my travel to Potipot Island in Zambales. The resemblance is hard to miss but Canigao has its own unique beauty to show off.

The long stretch of white sandy beach.

Canigao Island is located in Brgy Itom, a fishing village in Matalom, Leyte (East Central Philippines). It’s around 4-5 hours ride from Tacloban City, the capital of Northern Leyte. In Brgy. Itom we hired a boat that would take us to the island. It took us less than 10 minutes to get there. Getting near the island, I got excited as I saw the long stretch of white sand and the blue clear water.

The water is pristine in Canigao.

There is no electricity in the island. But it has a prominent solar-powered lighthouse that becomes prominent as our boat approaches the shore. The moment that we got off, I immediately looked at the quality of the sand in Canigao. It was off white. Boracay sand is finer and more bleached. What struck me are the “facilities” available in the island. There were sari-sari stores, huts and cottages. The resort is LGU-owned and requires everyone a minimal entrance fee. The huts and other housing facility range from 300-700 pesos but one is allowed to camp out if you have no money.

The newly-painted solar-powered lighthouse located at the back of the island.

I looked around and found people enjoying the beach. It was Sunday when we arrived there so obviously a lot of people were making the most of the long weekend.

Beach bummers having photo op behind the signage. Oki and Deb are waiting for their turn.

Aside from the white sandy beach, the island is a sanctuary of coral reefs, sand bars, fishes, and other species. The island is also rich in vegetation so it’s nice to sit and relax under a tree and watch the sea.

It was way passed noon and the sun was scorching hot. The contrast was nice though, a good opportunity to take more postercard-like photos of the island.

That's me enjoying the scene. I wasn't able to bring my tripod but I found a nice, stable spot to place my heavy camera. :-)

Just like what I did in Potipot Island, I tried exploring the whole area, taking photos of every thing and any thing that caught my interest. It took me at least an hour and a half to finish the 360 degree turn. You can walk around the whole island in 30 minutes (more or less). Half of the route, I decided to rest for awhile and enjoy what nature has to offer--the white sand, the pristine water, the blue sky, the lush vegetation, wild flowers, people passing by, dead trees, falling leaves, floating branches, seaweeds, shells, colorful pebbles...and more.

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[To get to Canigao Island:]

Take the flight from Manila to Tacloban City Airport. From Tacloban City, go to the Van-Van's Terminal and buy a ticket ride going to Maasin City, the capital of Southern Leyte. This terminal provides an airconditioned van ride to Matalom which is more comfortable than taking the bus. Tell the driver to drop you at Brgy Itom.

From the highway, hire a pedicab that will bring you to MB San Pedro de Nonok and look for Sayong Daño. From there, you can hire a boat to bring you to Canigao Island. The boat ride costs 450 pesos (two-way, minimum fare). Entrance fee is 10 pesos for adult and 5 pesos for a child.

In search for Canigao Island

Canigao Island is 5-7 minutes boat ride from Brgy. Maitum in Matalom, Leyte

Some weeks ago, the four of us—Etch, Deb, Oki and I— planned to have a short vacation. We have had several activities at the office prior to that and thought that maybe we could give ourselves a break (even for a few days). Just US girls.

We had an official travel in Dumaguete City for a CPAR project review. Knowing it will be Dumaguete City, we got excited and decided to extend our stay. We all thought, “This is the perfect place to unwind!” None of us have been there.

A few days after our SO was finalized and signed, we were informed that the Dumaguete trip was canceled and that the review will be held in Tacloban City instead. Geezus. What to do in Tacloban? Where to go? This is my second time in Tacloban City and I had the chance to explore the place already. Disillusioned, we wanted to scrap our previous plan of extending the trip.

A few days prior to our flight, I saw Pat browsing his friend’s FB account. He was looking into these beautiful photos of a beach with a long stretch of white sand. Immediately, I asked him, “Pat, saan yan?” (Pat, where is that?). He said, it was somewhere in Leyte. He was not sure where exactly in Leyte but I got curious that I asked Etch if she knew the place. The stars came shining on me. A few days after, we were heading for Canigao Island in Matalom, Leyte.

Etch got sick two days before and could not go out of her bed. She practically stayed the last day of the review in the hotel and opted to stay at her brother's house during the extension of our trip. She got the cough and colds from me. I was sick when I arrived in Tacloban but tried to fight it. I was taking notes during the meeting with burning eyes and a dry cough. Jeezus. I think the "hot bath" helped a lot in my recovery.

So anyway, cutting this prelude short… we were in Canigao Island that one, fine, sunny Sunday morning.

I will tell you more about our trip in my next post.

A shining glimpse before the day is eaten by dusk

I took this shot while I was in Babatngon, Leyte. This is the reflection from the irrigated rice field. Farmers had just harvested the rice and are preparing to plant for the next cropping season.

We scheduled 26 presentations of projects subjected for review. It was just our first day in Babatngon and I was already counting the days to end. I wished then that Friday would easily come so that my friends and I could go on with our extended trip. We planned for a three-day extension in Tacloban City so that we could visit Pearl Island, Sohoton Caves, and Canigao Island. Yea, the official trip is the side trip. I will try to feature them in my next posts. Hopefully, it would not be too long from now. I rarely have the time to post an entry these days because of the piled-up tasks. Speeches, speeches...brrr.

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[Postscripts]

…will watch Sarah G’s concert with friends tomorrow. Yea, I am a big fan of her.

…missing terribly my niece, Fiona. Haven’t seen her for two weeks now.

Potipot 02: The slipper that was washed ashore

At first, there were the two of them. complete. inseperable. in sync.

Things happen, one has to leave. And the pair was broken.

It was washed ashore. Slowly. In their lull moments, it happened.

...and so there was only ONE.

I was like this slipper that was washed ashore…

Although I was with a group when I went to Potipot Island, I enjoyed a great moment of solitude when I was there. It was just me and my camera. I think I did plan of enjoying the beach not until I saw and experienced how harsh the heat of the sun was. Besides, if I opted to swim, I wouldn’t be able to take as much photos as I needed.

I honestly enjoy being my friends’ photographer, being called here and there to take their photos. At the end of the day, I was already beaten down. I was dragging my tripod while walking languidly on the sinking white sand. It was just like that other pair of slipper who got washed ashore.

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[postscript:]

i watch you. i see you. i hear you. i smell you. your presence. your whole you.

in my dreams, you were talking to me and i was looking the other way. and so, when it was my turn to look, you were definitely gone.

I say Potipot Island is the most 'poetic' place i have ever seen (and that's me being super-emo again!)

The long stretch of white sand in Potipot Island is a feast to my eyes.

Did I say the water is clear in Potipot Island?

I always say, "Different beaches for Different folks!"

Certain place appeals to people in different ways. If you say Boracay Island is pretty, I would not have disagreed. But certainly, I could give a different perspective of why I would prefer, say, Sangat Island in Coron, Palawan over a foretaste of your favorite white powdery sand in Boracay. Sangat is both beautiful and peaceful. Least to say, I enjoy a piece of myself there than anywhere I have ever been. I would not have enjoy that much in Boracay (or maybe I could) but you get my point right? You will only "feel" a place once you get there. Most of the time, I associate a visit to a new place through a particular emotion. That's how I describe a place.

Potipot Island is no different.

My friends who knew I went there during the weekend asked me straight away. “How was Potipot?” My answer was unanimous. Potipot is photogenic! Now some people took it in a positive tone, but those who (really) knew me, knows there is (always) an underlying meaning to my rather inert statement. Go figure. Or maybe I should have said: Just look at the pictures and imagine yourself there.

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"I am heading to a place where the water is blue"

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

~ Starlight, MUSE~

Yes I will. And I will be bringing Muse's cd to accompany me. Me and my miserable self.

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[postscript]

i think i like watching your every reaction. was it an annoyance i see? and you think you're the only one who has the right to ignore people? i forgot to inform you--i am all good with silent wars. silence has always been my best defence.

Stirring the still water

It was fun watching you—all looking so comfortable and silent in your own little world. Once in awhile you would throw a few glances at people, all feeling nonchalant. You would answer in two words for a question that was answerable by at least a sentence or an “Err, I think so” instead of telling your whole thoughts.

But lately, I am noticing something. It looks like someone is causing a stir. Am I seeing it for real? She calls your name and suddenly, the once still water is all looking very enthused and concerned.

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Lake Bulusan: Vastness in its various angles

I’ve talked about the local people I’ve seen and observed while we were in Lake Bulusan but I haven’t posted anything that would give you an idea of how “vast” this lake is.

Nature lovers dubbed this lake as the “Switzerland of the Orient" due to its rich vegetation and idyllic mixture of the wildlife. The area retains much of its pristine environment since 1962 wherein it was first developed as a tourist center. Geologically, the lake is estimated to be 374 years old. Swimming in the lake is discouraged due to schistosomiasis (parasitic disease), but many of the locals there didn’t seem to mind at all.

View of the lake from the main dock. Tourists can actually rent these colorful kayak boats and row around the lake. Oki and I tried it and it was exhausting. But it was fun. A closer encouter with the lake, I get to see and feel its 'vastness' on the dot.

View of the lake from the otherside, 1003 meters from the dock. In this part, I notice a lot of yellow leaves floating on the water.

View of the lake from the side, the same spot where I sat and observed the boy on his raft and the shrimper.

View from the left side of the lake, a few mire walks to the center of the perimeter.

This is my favorite spot, somewhere at the right side of the perimeter where the vegetation is so rich and thick that I could hardly find a nice spot to see a portion of the lake. But the vegetation sure did provide a nice frame for this shot.

To appreciate the lake more, we decided to walk around the lake. This lake has a circumference of 2,006 meters and it took us a 45-minute walk to finish the whole perimeter. The walk was enjoyable because of the cold weather and the lush forest containing orchids, ferns, and flowers which we saw along the way. I felt some drips of water coming from the trees which was so refreshing.

I was often being left behind the pack simply because I need to stop and take pictures in moments where I find some astounding view of the lake. The rich vegetations just provided the nice framing for my shots.

Often than not, we sail where the wind takes us

I thought I knew you. But I guess it's easier to see what we want than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don't. And that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone popular and has all the answers but that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing but I'll try to make things better. And when I make a mistake, because face it, we all do, I promise I'll ask for your help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me, I'll find the courage to reach for your every dream.

~ quote from "One Tree Hill"

You guess it right. I've been watching too much of this series lately. Not so much for the plot and the characters but mostly because of the "music and the quotes".

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When we were in Lake Bulusan in Sorsogon, I have taken the time to observe this boy whom I caught fishing from afar. Being alone on a raft caught my attention, his skills in fishing made me decide to watch and observe. He caught a few fishes I think, but he was just too far from my place to count. There's not much people around, mostly local kids and this man catching shrimps from a shallow part of the lake. The other tourists who were with us have already left. Honestly, the vastness of the lake and its color scared me. Not this boy.

Trying to grasp you

Sometimes when you're young, you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you have big plans. Big plans. To find your perfect match. The one that completes you. But as you get older, you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you're leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered.

~quote from One Tree Hill~