Sometimes you think too much that you miss out on the important details

I was awakened by a deafening silence. I searched for the clock and it said 3:30 AM. I remembered closing my eyes at around 2 AM and my mind went on “monkey-hunting” again—wondering from places to places, only to end up to this lingering image…yours.

In the photo: Salagdoong Beach, Siquijor

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[random thoughts...]

I was a bit rude to MB (or so I think). I felt he was reaching out to me but I was busy with feeling "toxic" that I did not care enough. "Kamusta ka na?" he asked. "Ahm, okay lang." I replied. Then he asked again, "are you really okay? parang hinde eh." He was right, I felt ill that day. I hate saying it but he reads me so well.

If every thing works out well, I will be in Beijing in November. I've been dreaming of Badaling. Hopefully I get to "walk in to these great walls".

I have been stonewalling again. =(

I have been thinking on the idea of buying a prime lens but there's just too many expenses to consider first. I want a new TNF backpack.

October 25--> a date I should remember.

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

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About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

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[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

And the heart says: "Don't condemn your feelings"

The mind retorts: "Not even for the condemnatory ones?"

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[postscript:]

The day he went for that 3-day vacation, I felt a pang of jealousy. He will be having a grand time in a paradise-like white sandy beach while I was stuck in the office doing loads of OT. But then again, at the back of my mind, I knew that of all people, he deserved that break. "Kaw nga dami mo nang napuntahan eh!" he told me. The "jealousy" came out of nowhere really. It's just that the place is full of "cheesecakes" and I wasn't there and I would only be wondering what will happen in that very "conducive" paradise like beach.

I sent him an SMS the other day asking if he enjoyed his vacation. He affirmed. I asked him: "Naglakad ka ba sa buhangin ng nakatapak para ma-feel mo ang powdery sands?" He texted back: "Yes, first thing we did was walk barefoot on the sand" (and concluded it with a smiley). I dunno, but my heart sank that day.

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud

LONELINESS is…

being with you and NOT being able to tell you what's going on inside my head.

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From the ground

A lot of things have been happening lately, mostly about work, and I always feel like stretching the time just to accommodate everything that I need to do for the day.

I feel like I am always on the ground, lying and languidly sinking. Can someone pull me out?!

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I will have my first food photoshoot tomorrow. I would like to thank Oggie for the tips. I appreciate it a lot.

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“you were there
a few breath away from me
catching glimpses
has been an annoying habit
I think my face flush
an awful lots of time.”

Heck, why did you have to say that we are “a love team” when I knew all along that you meant nothing by it but an awful attempt to joke around. And you said it in the most awkward moment. In front of your dad and a bunch of “strangers”. Woot.

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

"There was neither beginning nor end to this sorrow. Nor understanding." - Carson McCullers

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This post is for a dear friend. Every piece of me emphatizes with you.

Every pain, anxiety, regret...I hope they'd be gone sooner than expected.

Two years of pain is hell. Iinom na lang natin yan!

I want to see you from a different perspective, maybe then I would find a different version of the "truth"

During one of our roadtrips, we passed by this beach. Under the scorching heat of the sun, the water looks so blue and calm.

Sometimes, there is a need to look at things from a different view. Exactly like this one.

“I am not supposed to be here!”

Bearing the scorching heat, waiting the world to come to an end— I think I snorted that phrase a hundred times or more.

With the heap of things to finish in the office i.e., annual reports, newsletters, magazines, the third boss decided to transport me to Naga City on a few days notice. She said I had to cover two events, an exhibit and a business con. Learning that the second event would be attended by representatives from business conglomerates, I got excited. The first one however was a drag.

The exhibit was located in an open ground with nothing but tarpaulin to protect your top from the scorching heat. In between explaining and briefing booth visitors, I was cursing and snorting, while wiping the niggling sweat on my face.

In the afternoon, the weather suddenly switched mood. It rained cats and dogs! The flooring of our booth was soaked but I was too tired to do anything about it. A few hours after that, the sun was raging again. At that time, I felt like turning into a Hulk and destroying everything within a foot away from me. The sudden change of weather was really getting into me. Brrr!

So anyway, I did survive that ordeal. In as much as I wanted to leave I could not. You know the saying, “seeing things at different perspectives” well it suits that particular occasion. Like in everything that has happened to me, it has become my instinct to look for reasons. If I didn’t find one, I usually make one.

I was in Bicol for four days. After the first day, I think I did manage to stay in tact pretty much well. I am really thankful I brought my camera with me. It kept me sane somehow.

I am still throwing punches in the air

How could you send us so far away from home?
When you know damn well that this is wrong
I would still lay down my life for you

~ Soldier's Poem, MUSE~

An empty table for two facing the vast, striking sea— I don’t know what to make of this scene but I like the feeling that it invokes: peaceful, melancholic, ominous, laid-back. It was way passed six in the morning. I missed the sunrise that day and the weather was already taking its peak. At the cafeteria, it was just me, the caretaker, and the clear sea. There was no food yet and my stomach was grouching already.

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We always bring bitter smiles when we leave

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I don't know how to compose a (good) narrative for this image but it pretty much says it all--the act of going away and leaving someone behind. I like how the ripples create that subtle stir on the water. So silent and yet so perceptible. Almost like a hushed hill in the midst of a busy cityscape. A thief tiptoeing in the middle of the night. Trying to ease the stride but never out of sight.

Who do you want be? The person who leaves? Or the person being left behind?