Will they cry if I die?

I was at Bali Hai last night with friends and co-writers from graduate school. I haven’t seen them for awhile and finding a schedule for us to meet was just a pain in the ass. I am usually not around or someone is. Until last night.

In the midst of those shimmering, gold hanging ornaments and the mood-like atmosphere of Bali, each of us told our stories, vented, updated. I also wanted to vent but had second thoughts about it. I am really selfish when it comes to sharing my deepest thoughts in a crowd. I get intimidated by the anticipated reactions. I wanted to tell them what has been bothering me for the longest time, but thought, “nah…they won’t be interested.” Besides, their stories are far more interesting than what I had to say. So anyway, while one of them was telling her story about this common friend of ours, my mind wandered. And I looked at each one of them and thought: “Will they cry if I die? I mean really cry and be hurt and be miserable because of my lost?” Geez, the thoughts inside my head were just swirling away into the wind. Maybe they will cry but they will not be miserable. They will move on. Eventually a day or two.

That same night, someone texted me: "Hi 2 days ka nang parang sad ha. Hope all is well. Although i respect ur privacy. D2 lng me just a txt away. Godbless". I did not reply.

After the crazy thoughts. Each of us had a couple of SMB before we called it a night. We need to go to work the next day. One thing I realized that night though, I miss being drunk!

People cry not because they are weak.

It's because they have been too strong for too long.

Sometimes you think too much that you miss out on the important details

I was awakened by a deafening silence. I searched for the clock and it said 3:30 AM. I remembered closing my eyes at around 2 AM and my mind went on “monkey-hunting” again—wondering from places to places, only to end up to this lingering image…yours.

In the photo: Salagdoong Beach, Siquijor

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[random thoughts...]

I was a bit rude to MB (or so I think). I felt he was reaching out to me but I was busy with feeling "toxic" that I did not care enough. "Kamusta ka na?" he asked. "Ahm, okay lang." I replied. Then he asked again, "are you really okay? parang hinde eh." He was right, I felt ill that day. I hate saying it but he reads me so well.

If every thing works out well, I will be in Beijing in November. I've been dreaming of Badaling. Hopefully I get to "walk in to these great walls".

I have been stonewalling again. =(

I have been thinking on the idea of buying a prime lens but there's just too many expenses to consider first. I want a new TNF backpack.

October 25--> a date I should remember.

The heart is a lonely hunter

You're always looking out for her...making sure she's okay, making sure she's being cared for...even from a distance; exactly what I have been doing...always looking out for you.

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[postscript]

sabi niya: Isang libro lang ang value mo, di sapat para i-book launch.

sabi ko: Okay lang, hardbound naman at dahil nag-iisa, hard to find.

You clasp your hands, close your eyes and let your heart speaks

One thing I could clearly remember from my childhood is that I was a prayful kid. Influenced by a religious mother, praying was the first thing she ever taught me and my two siblings. I enjoyed praying when I was a kid, it was like talking to an invisible friend and he's grantings my wishes. Then I grew up. I had problems believing in the unknown. People whom I called authorities in the field started blocking my incurable quest to know and to question things. Blind faith was something I could not reckon with. Then came college and every thing was messed up. I was no longer that prayful kid and my mother called me an heretic, worst she called me a follower of Satan just because I refused going to church.

Later in life something happened along the way. And I started praying again...enjoying my quiet time. Sometimes, I think I have been praying too hard that I have been getting immediate answers.

Except for this one thing that I’ve been praying for (a long time). It seems to bounce off heaven’s door.

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[postscript]

* masyado ka lang bang makulit na ganoon na lamang niya pagbigyan ang kahilingan mo? O sadya ka lang malakas sa kanya?

* A close friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy yesterday morning. This is how she informed me via SMS: "Rayts, he came out na, this AM. healthy." As simple as that. This gave me a five-second smile. I got excited. Her dream of becoming a mom to a baby boy came true. We shared the same dream, mine I think is far from happening...at least not any time soon.

Nostalgic

...that was the first word that came to mind. And no amount of diversion can cure the most nostalgic thought while you are at it.

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It is only in writings...

…that you’ll get a piece of my mind and a piece of what I really wanted to say.

But even the most (seemingly) appropriate words seem to fail us when we need them.

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I miss the owner of these eyes

There are moments in your life when you really miss someone that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. And then you’ll feel bad about it because you know that "hugging them for real" won't just happen (at least at that moment when you miss them). And you couldn’t do anything about it. You just have to suck on it, pacify yourself, and hope that tomorrow you’ll be okay. One of the side effects of missing someone is that there’s this pang of pain inside you, this certain, nameless void that wouldn’t just go away no matter what you do. It’s like a monster that needs to be fed. It just won’t stop until that void is filled.

I was never vocal about anything. But at least here, I could (loudly) say what my heart wants to say...

"Aaah, I miss her laugh!" =(

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Cold water

Tiredness fuels empty thoughts. I find myself disposed.

Brightness fills empty space. In search of inspiration. ~ DRice

Last night I was tip-toeing on the idea (always do) of finally closing the silence. But the farthest it got me was to talk to you in my dreams. And even then, we were far away from each other. You said, "I don't get you. I don't get you at all."

We were both looking into this empty teeter-totter. We both wanted the ride but no one would take the first step to balance. Yours is bounded by a self-claimed determination that must be done, because according to you, "it's the right thing". You chose to be unmindful and yet I knew you were the most sensitive when it comes to people's need. I, on the other hand, is bounded by a mouthful of fright for rebuff and “what if”. What if I got the courage to ride and you wouldn't be there to get to the other side of the totter? It will never work. A friend of mine calls it: cul de sac.

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Loneliness that roams

In front of my pc is a post-it with a quote written on it. I got the quote from a book I borrowed and read some months ago. The quote got me thinking so I wrote it down. This morning, as I was reading it for the nth time, it hit me—the meaning of every word and how it is implicating me.

“There is a loneliness that can be rocked.

Then there is a loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down.”

There are people I miss seeing and talking to, but I have no means of doing that. Or I chose not to do anything. I’ll just miss them again and it’s bad going through the same thing everyday. Missing someone and they’re not missing you back. Or telling them that you miss them and they would tell you, “Oh I didn't even notice it was that long time already.”

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This is the 11th day. =(

I miss being in a beach. Or I guess the idea of being in a beach. I am not really a beach person. I like mountains first and foremost. I miss the waves. I miss the splash. And I miss looking at the happy people playing with the waves.

Bring your pain, but never wear it

You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention her name

Forgive me for stalking you. It wasn’t me that gives the orders. I have left my being the day I met you. What's used to be there is not there anymore. The “person before” is nonchalant and safe. The “person now” is vulnerable and sensitive. She hungers for your whereabouts and your business. In fact, every bit of information (no matter how trivial) bothers the “person now”. So forgive the “person now” for stalking you and for knowing that things that should be kept aside and the things that should be left unsaid.

This morning, I read this French quote from de Scudery: “L'amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie.”

And it hit me like a hardball. It’s true, “Love makes life's sweetest pleasures and worst misfortunes”. Not only that, L'on est bien faible quand on est amoureux. One is very weak when one is in love. But I am not. Or am I?

Standing out

.

It’s hard to stand out in a crowd that is overpowering with wits and beauty. I am (just) a silver ring with no accents that no one would even dare look back. Around me are golds and emeralds.

But hey, thanks for looking back. For a fleeting moment, I felt like I have outshone them.

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Direction, not intention dictates destination

.

Intention wanes and (often) changes. But once you set your direction on something, you must follow it. There's no one, distinct path to your goal but you are bound to choose which way to go. I am determined to go there (no matter what).

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I don't usually get envious about something. Not with money or material stuff. But last night, as I was looking at a photo of this girl in Nami Island, I felt the urge to be there. Suddenly, I felt like going there as well--the same feeling I had for Angkor Wat a few years back. It's more of a "need" rather than a simple want to be in that place. I feel like I ought to be there as well. No other reason, I just need to go there. I am crossing my fingers on this one. I hope my savings are enough to back me up.

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4 days and counting...i hope i will reach the end.

A glimpse of the moon

A few minutes ago, I wrote:
Walking from this narrow, winding path
Cold wind numbing my cheeks
Against the dusky sky, denuded tree
I caught a glimpse of the moon
and amazingly—it looked back.

So why is it that I remember you every time I see the moon?

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I will continue to alight

Last night I wrote:
Dark clouds feed into an innuendo.
A slight shake and everything tears down.
Make or break. That’s how powerful you are.

If and when the time comes that you have to leave because you need to pursue your dreams, I will continue to alight from this wispy, dangerous ground I am standing on. Or I’ll have to forcefully glue myself into it, so as not to break and fall.

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[postscript]

I watched Darren Aronofsky’s The Black Swan. And I have these things to say:

I have always like Natalie Portman since her “Leon: The Professional” days but I like her even more. The Black Swan is one of those “mind fuck” flicks. Yea, I think that is how they call it. It’s a movie that makes you think from the start to the end and it plays with your mind. The movie was set according to the point-of-view of Nina, a girl with a seemingly questionable psyche, hence a slur on reality. Even the ending entices you to think. I have to watch it again.

If only to see you...

... i will turn the moon so that we'll be seeing the same side. I will buy a time even for a peep.

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P.S.

I am currently engrossed in reading Ha Jin's work. "Waiting" is a breeze. It's a translated work but just like Murakami's books, the words flow so naturally into my senses. I don't feel like reading at all. It's like, he was reading it to me. =)

And in the midst of this misty, cold December morning...

…you’ll ask yourself: Am really doing the right thing?

And then a little voice inside you will say: You know it’s right if it feels right and it’s turning you into a better person.

For a moment there, I agreed with that little voice. Usually, we are antagonistic with each other. Always fighting with the DOs and DONTs of life. Always in binary opposition, ending up with a nonstop struggle (which is crazy by the way). It was nice to finally have something to agree with.

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[PS]

the other day, while i was attending a planning workshop in Tagaytay, a message popped from my YM. It was Fish! I have never heard anything from him except for the fact that he now works abroad as a chef. I teased him about being "rich" and enjoying the life abroad and he retorted back something like: "Mayaman ba yung alipin ka dito!" I said, "Well at least you have something to hold on to. I am sure you have a plan." I asked him my classic question (which is all me, by the way): "Are you happy there?" I don't remember him answering my question so I rephrased it: "What drives you? You must have reason why you opted to work there!" There is something about this guy that makes me want to laugh all the time. I don't know if he's serious or not but he really makes laugh (the hard way). He said: "Kailangan ko ng pambili ng ataol!" (nak ng teteng!) I burst into a laugh. Did I mention I was in a middle of a planning workshop? (pretending I was taking notes, but I was actually chatting). Bad me.

Our little chat went on. Mostly about existensialism. How his life working abroad. How I wanted to climb Mount Apo. How he wanted to earn money so he could climb more mountains. Then our topic went back to cooking. I asked his talent fee and told him I wanted to learn how to cook (the totyal way). He said: "Mura lang TF ko. Turuan kita pagbalik ko!" I said: "Pwede na ba pandesal na may kesong puti at sopdrink?" He affirmed. Then we bid goodbye. He said it was 2:30 am in Italy and he said needed to get up early morning the next day.

Rainman

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

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Healthy fear

There may be a natural, healthy kind of fear. But the kind of fear that I don't like and want not to obey is the fear that urges me to act contrary to my own feelings or to act before I know what my feelings are.

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[postscript:]

There are (more than) times that I have contradicted myself in doing something that my mind has been set NOT TO DO but because I have a heart that is (totally) incapable of sticking to reason, I have to bend back an earlier decision and follow this sudden swerve. Ah, when will I learn?

I need this book

I do not need to explain. Do I?

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[postscript:]

Just watched Social Network. It was a David Fincher flick, no wonder I liked it (err, Fight Club, Se7en, The Game-- all of them great films).

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius...no doubt about that. But as one of the characters said, "You're not an asshole Mark. You're just so trying hard to be!" --that's all it was. But I am glad Mark Z created Facebook. Goodness, aren't we all? It's just sad that "my Erica Albright" in real life doesn't even believe in FB so he doesn't have an account. In fact, he hated it. And I told myself: "Heck, what's the point of having an FB if I would not be able to stalk him?"

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It's almost one in the morning...someone sent an SMS...geezuz, a SMART alert. heck.

It's almost two in the morning and I can't get myself to sleep. No sign of drowsiness.

I am excited about my yoga class tomorrow. O yeah...I am into yoga now. Beat that.

Sleep, rayts...get some sleep!