I have been waiting for “it” to fall…

There are things in life that no matter how hard you try to keep to yourself and to others will eventually show. No amount of mastery can keep one’s face from being stoic all the time especially if your heart is crushed. I've tried it once and found a tear dropping without me knowing it. As a child, I grew up shy and undemonstrative (almost to the point of lying to myself). I worry when someone observes me. I get paranoid when someone knew what goes in my brain.  What goes in my head is my business so I always have to keep a cool face. 

[Postscript]

dearest droplet,

You continue to rock my world. I have watched you and waited for you to fall, but you did not. You hanged in that old, wet trunk for too long. My feet got tired, my hands went numbed but you kept your stance. You never gave in. And just when I have decided to give up, to leave…in a wink of an eye, you dropped. Just like that. You could have warned me you know. I wanted you drop on my hand. I wanted to save you.

still in awe,

the girl who likes to wait

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I got a call this morning for a writing project. Yes, they will pay me. Tempting but my deadlines are way over the top :-( Crazy deadlines.

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I have a crazy idea in my head. Three letters: PhD. And then a more crazy idea. Two words: Comparative Literature. Geezus, I should lessen my caffeine in take. I am having sleeping problems again. Two weeks in a row!

Rainman

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

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What can I do the rain would not stop from pouring

The weather station said there's no typhoon but it's been raining for the past days. It just won't stop. At the end of the day, I usually end up getting soaked.

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[random:]

... I am having difficulty with my current sched right now. work is loaded and i enrolled 6 units of subjects for my MA class, Tuesday and Thursday. I was advised by the Graduate School Office to take all my subjects and one penalty course this sem because I am already in my maximum residency. I am supposed to have my thesis proposal defense this sem and my thesis next sem. geesuz. i don't know what to do with my time.

... as if work and MA are not enough, Oki and I are attending two yoga classes in a week (Mon and Thurs) but since I have a class every Thurs, I had to take the Sat morning session instead.

...travels, I had to give this up =(

...Christmas is fast approaching. Faster than I thought. Heck.

...when it comes to Crackhead and her pregnancy i am on pins and needles.

...i've never prayed this hard, everynight.

Oftentimes, my eyes fool me

I thought I had it all planned out in my head. I thought at that moment, everything is possible and nothing could go wrong. I used to be a pessismist. The picture did not turn out as "clear" as I hoped it would be.

"You'll remain a vague image in my head. It will never be clear for the both of us. There will always be the "rain" and the "wind" to come between us."

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Waiting shed

I like waiting sheds because people come here to wait. But they are more than that.

Sheds have personalities, those that you can guess just by looking at its structures. How old it is, how well it’s maintained, it’s location, and how many people are actually going for it “to wait”.

I found this wonderful shed when I was in Korea. I was roaming around RDA early in the morning to take photos when the rain started to pour. I found this shed with nothing much except three green seats full of falling leaves on top of it and four wooden benches around the green seats. I was tempted to sit on one of the green seats but I wanted to preserve its actual look, the way I have found it. So instead, I sat on one of the four wood benches around it. The floor was covered with dried leaves, some of them were still fresh and some of them were falling on my head. I looked outside and it was raining hard. Then, all of a sudden, I felt this surge of sadness—the kind that eats you up inside. I don’t usually get that. Mostly it’s the fleeting loneliness, the one that you could get rid of given the proper diversion. This type of sadness was different (or so I thought at that time). I have wished for the rain to stop.

While waiting for the rain to subside, I saw the bespectacled Hyo-jung Lee standing in front of the shed with an umbrella. Smiling, she said to me “What are you doing there, Ms Rayts? Come in the office and we’ll drink coffee.” It was the second time that she saved me. One time, she showed me the way to the biggest bookstore in Suwon. Inside her office, she served me a piping hot mug of coffee. It was my last day in Suwon and I was thinking what to give her as a token. Hyo-jung was a few years older than me and she’s one of the few people I got along with during my one-week stay in Suwon. She has this cute habit of putting her arms in my arms whenever we take our pictures. I gave her a key holder before I left. I saw her put her keys in it. “So that I will always remember you!” she said with a big smile.

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[postscript]

I found the most charming letter. “I love you infinity times infinity much!” Obviously it was not meant for me. But my mind is playing (tricks) with me (again). Could it be that he intentionally did not remove the post-it so that I could see it? Or maybe not. How could I entertain such thought? Still, the possibility is there. God, I wish someone would say that to me. I will love you back (infinity times infinity).

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Went to see Eat Pray Love last night. The night was great. The movie was awful. All throughout the film, I was bothered by Julia Roberts unusually over-sized mouth and her unusually bony face. I am rude. I asked Dax to give me a copy of the book. I asked him to give it as a gift. I was a bit demanding but he owes me big time. Luckily he promised to buy me a copy.

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I love my family. I love my friends. I love my work. I love you. There...i said it!

I feel you as I watch the rain pour from the window

I'm looking out the window where we sat to watch the stars. There's a chill within the air it makes my heart long for your touch ~ corrinne may

i was watching the rain from a glass window. i could not get out from where i was. there was this wicked thunderstorm that reverberated in the four corners of the office. the lightning struck like a whipping belt. the heavy downpour did not subside. i wanted to go home but i was feeling ill. i didn't want it to get worse. i felt the cold window glass, imagining i was touching the rain. and then your face came into view. just like any ordinary days...i kept seeing your face everywhere. heck.

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[postscript]

I used to imagine such resemblance. I have not met her before (and perhaps will not be able to). Not in this lifetime. I only knew her by name. You’ve mentioned her name for quite sometime that I have no choice but to remember.

The other day, out of my wicked whim to know more, I finally saw her. Through a picture, from someone else’s facebook account. From that moment, everything made sense. I wish I had stick with how I imagined her. Now everything is real. I know now where the look came from, the voracity for books, those beautiful inquisitive eyes, and those wistful smiles.

Painful drops

I know I’ve told you how I love the “rain”.

Just because it makes the surrounding quite refreshing and subdue; the grass greener than ever and the air, cooler. But experiencing a tropical storm or a typhoon for that matter is another thing.

I am shying away from the television these days. The images of the Ondoy aftermath are just disheartening. I knew people who lost their homes because of this terrible natural disaster. There was not much of wind…but a whole-day pouring of huge, painful drops of rain that never seemed to end. That’s how it was.

Now, Metro Manila is like a vast Mekong Delta River minus the huge, cargo ships...

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[Sidestory]
(one which I should have posted some weeks ago....)

I have this friend who wanted that I go out and meet “people” so that I could “widen my horizon” for other prospects. She said that my biological clock could be running out and that given my innate love for children and my plan to have at (least) a kid (preferably a boy) soon…she said, I am such a sluggish moron for not taking this “destiny bullshit” into the next level.

The word “thirty-ish” can be an upsetting resound for singles. Yes, definitely. But not if most of your friends are single too and who are seem to be enjoying their time. Oh well, that is what I thought too. As the great A used to tell me... "everything comes with a good end. you just have to know how to explain it to yourself!"

And then I met this “new friend” a week ago. She’s my age but she’s engaged to be married this month. Hell yea. I find her really pretty and so sure of herself. She has a beautiful face coupled with an amazing wit. In short, she’s both beauty and brain. She met her fiance through Friendster, who she knew through a friend's friend.

While we were inside the car and trying to pass by the horrendous traffic in EDSA, surprisingly, she turned her head to me and asked: “How about you Rayts, how many boyfriends have you had?”

I nearly fell on my seat. I wasn't surprised by the question, but the attention. There were five of us in the car and all of them were waiting for my answer. A few minutes passed and wished that someone kidnapped me from the car. (Nak ng teteng. Bakit naman ako ang napagdiskitahan ng mga ‘to!). I thought that the question was rather off and wanted to paraphrase it. But instead I said: “Jesus, I need to pee!”

I guess they knew what my answer was. or Not?

Plummet

I feel like plunging into a pool of raindrops, meticulously gathered to bring confort to a distressed soul like me. Inhaling its soul hoping that the next time I wake up, I am part of that little, inconspicuous committee that god created to bathe the earth. I've been looking at the same wet, raindrops-filled window everyday. I don't know which is better, workloads pouring at my face like hell and always beating the deadlines or seeing my boots get soaked in the mud every morning. The only thing that keeps me sane this day is the thought that on the 16th, I might be seeing you, giving me the chance to taunt and tease you (again).

Bad weather always looks worse through a window

The weather has been inconsistent the past few days. Either it's windy and humid, too sunny or pouring badly. This morning there was a drizzle then it poured, approaching lunch it was sunny as hell. The only thing that has been consistent was the wind. I know so because I've been on the street the whole morning.

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Tomorrow is a special non-working holiday because of the burial of former President Cory Aquino. I am going south-bound.

It never stopped raining since then...

You should’ve known by the tone of my voice, maybe
But you didn’t listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissin

I am such a fan of the REO Speedwagon.

Last night, we went to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. If it was just me watching, I would have opted to see Star Trek but since he said that he’s not much into that kind of flick and revealed his admiration for Jennifer Garner, I immediately yielded.

I like watching film alone. I thought it was normal. He doesn’t think so. He would give remarks like: “Yan si Rayts ang hilig magsolo!” I don’t know how to take that but I guess, indirectly he wanted to be invited. So yesterday, I initiated the invitation. I tried inviting our other friends but most of them are out of town. Good thing DL was there. And then we met DL’s friend, Kat who poured out her heartbreaks to us over two rounds of beer at Gilligan’s. I could hardly hear her voice against the loud music but she could not hide her tears from us. She was just that hurt I guess. I am totally amaze by women who could not hide their pain away and still handle everything with so much poise and demeanor. I like her vulnerability and honesty considering we are "strangers" to her. In between her stories, I was minding the exchange of looks. He was looking into her. Both of them have been into each others' places only different time and circumstances.

The night was serendipitous...

Ideas and reasons were being laid on the table, all of which concerns matter of the heart and I had nothing to contribute but a nod and few phrases in agreement. Technically speaking, I was there but I was hardly there. Slowly, the alcohol is getting into me and I was being asked if my idea of marriage and family is still the same. I don't remember saying anything. The alcohol was a very good excuse to be quiet.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain...

I like watchin' the window gather rain.

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake.

And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape

escape......escape......escape......

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I will capture a drop of rain and give it to you

The weather in Manila right now is scorching hot. I tried standing on the street at 2pm in the afternoon with no umbrella and literally, I melted like an ice cream. Too much exposure to this kind of harsh weather is deadly. I have always thought that I could survive a very high temperature. Compared to enduring a very cold weather, I have always thought I have enough resistance to battle the heat. That’s what I thought.

So imagine the smile on my face when it poured yesterday. Really, every drop of rain on the window was a delight to watch—a feast to my yearning eyes!

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Raindrops from the glass window

I’ve been constantly seeking the blue sky. Only to find myself soaked under a heavy rainfall. Usually, it’s in the late afternoon when people are rushing to go home and I get drowned by the huge crowd. I would sometimes find myself in a trance forgetting I had an umbrella, I would join them and went home drenched than ever.

I used to love the rain. I still do. But lately, I’ve been missing the blue sky.

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