All set for the outreach

Our group is all set for the coming Feb 4 outreach. I am happy because of the outpour of people who wanted to help us in this activity. A lot of our friends and officemates were gracious enough in giving money, effort, prayers just to push through with the activity. We’ve even solicited more than enough for the scholarship program of PEARLS. My boss donated money for one scholar, which made me really happy. :-)

We called ourselves D' HOPEfulls for obvious reasons. We have high hopes for this country and for the Filipinos. This is the first activity of our group and we wanted to do more. We do not look at the little effort, only the big impact it could create.

Last week, with the help of our very passionate and able friends, we were able to pack the hygiene kits for 200 kids. We will distribute this on Feb 4. The kit contains shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush, face towel, etc. which the kids in Ulingan could use everyday.

This week, we taught Origami (the art of folding paper) to our group and the other volunteers who will join us during the outreach. We will teach this to the kids of Ulingan. What I like about Origami is that it keeps you focus and "no scissors needed" as what I usually say.

Origami...cranes, balls...we will also teach them how to make paper box so that they could put the cranes and the balls in it.

As of today, we still continue to receive donations and pledges. We told them about Project PEARLS so that even though we're done with the Feb 4 outreach, help and assistance will still continue to pour. We also told them about the Saturday feeding program which they could regularly participate in.

Again, thank you Sidney Snoeck for introducing PEARLS to us. You are are blessing to us. I am also in great awe for what you have been doing for the Filipino and for this country. Thank you!

K-A-R-E-N

I met a girl named Karen. She is 75 percent Chinese. I don’t know her surname just her first name as shown in her name tag. She’s a bank teller. I have been going to this particular bank for five years now and I always see her. Going to this particular bank irritates me because of the poor service. The queue is killing me. They have adopted this new computerized system of queuing that is quite unbearable for me.

But somehow, I found a way to divert my boredom and irritation by looking at Karen. She was the first person I look for whenever I enter the bank. I don’t know what it is about her but I am drawn to her. Her kindness and enthusiasm warms my heart.

Two weeks ago, I had the chance of having a more-than-a-glance encounter with her. I was making a transaction and she was the one who attended to my inquiries. My instinct was right. She’s a nice person. Maybe she’s nice to all the clients but I sense sincerity in the way she talks to me. It’s as if we’ve known each other for a long time. She asked me about my work and asked if I have vacant hours. I told her I am being paid to write down my thoughts. In between I could drink coffee and talk to the walls. She smiled. I don’t know what she was thinking but I believe I had caught her interest.

This morning, I saw her again. She was surprised to see me. I was (more than) happy to see her. I asked her if she’s fluent in Mandarin. She said “yes”.

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postscript:

"something within me is not right. i could not exactly tell what and how it started but i feel it growing worse everyday. it's like my heart is bursting every time it hurts. the pain does not compensate for anything. it heals and breaks on its own." ~ letter to coffeebeans (2-1-12)

In life, sometimes you just can't pick on the colors you like and wear it

That's because sometimes, the color that you like is not available or out-of-stock. My point is, although we were meant to believe that we do have a choice, the truth is sometimes (or most of the times), we don't.

In the photo: A young lady is picking a summer dress for my niece. I asked for pink, but they don't have it so I opted for the aqua blue.

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[random thoughts...]

The other day, a guy friend told me something that put me at the edge of my seat (figuratively). He was taking his usual drag that night and I noticed his sullen face. I asked him why he's been sad the past few days. Right then, he told me what's bothering him. I didn't even know that my observation was valid. I feel for him. He's been a nice friend and I hope everything turns out well for him. I wanted to reach out but I promised to keep every thing just between us. He's my male version--we like to keep things to ourselves. Letting other people think that we're okay even though we're rotten inside.

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The last few days, I have realized one thing and one thing only: EVERYONE is graduating except me! A friend of mine who's taking her Master's in Antwerp has just gotten her diploma recently, she'll be coming home next month and celebrate the good news with us. Another one from my friends just texted me last night that she passed her comprehensive exam in De La Salle and she will be graduating this coming March. Geezus.

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"I broke the silence and he broke my heart."

I have been alone with you inside my mind

I am addicted to the horrible pain of wanting somone so unattainable.

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You could see me reaching...so why couldn't you have met me half way? ~ Incubus

The space between us...

...although invisible, will always set both our hearts apart.

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[postscript]

Off to Baras in a while...

The heart is a lonely hunter

You're always looking out for her...making sure she's okay, making sure she's being cared for...even from a distance; exactly what I have been doing...always looking out for you.

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[postscript]

sabi niya: Isang libro lang ang value mo, di sapat para i-book launch.

sabi ko: Okay lang, hardbound naman at dahil nag-iisa, hard to find.

I was taking your photo...

...while you take your time taking the photo of another. And then you whispered to me, "Pretty isn't she?"

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You clasp your hands, close your eyes and let your heart speaks

One thing I could clearly remember from my childhood is that I was a prayful kid. Influenced by a religious mother, praying was the first thing she ever taught me and my two siblings. I enjoyed praying when I was a kid, it was like talking to an invisible friend and he's grantings my wishes. Then I grew up. I had problems believing in the unknown. People whom I called authorities in the field started blocking my incurable quest to know and to question things. Blind faith was something I could not reckon with. Then came college and every thing was messed up. I was no longer that prayful kid and my mother called me an heretic, worst she called me a follower of Satan just because I refused going to church.

Later in life something happened along the way. And I started praying again...enjoying my quiet time. Sometimes, I think I have been praying too hard that I have been getting immediate answers.

Except for this one thing that I’ve been praying for (a long time). It seems to bounce off heaven’s door.

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[postscript]

* masyado ka lang bang makulit na ganoon na lamang niya pagbigyan ang kahilingan mo? O sadya ka lang malakas sa kanya?

* A close friend of mine gave birth to a baby boy yesterday morning. This is how she informed me via SMS: "Rayts, he came out na, this AM. healthy." As simple as that. This gave me a five-second smile. I got excited. Her dream of becoming a mom to a baby boy came true. We shared the same dream, mine I think is far from happening...at least not any time soon.

"UP is the only university in the country" ~ PNoy

That was according to Ninoy Aquino Jr. as recalled by his son, President Noynoy Aquino III, in his speech yesterday during the 100th Commencement Exercise of the University of the Philippines-Diliman. President Noynoy or PNoy as he is fondly called, a graduate of the Ateneo de Manila University, served as the keynote speaker during the graduation rites. Well, a non-UP graduate can always argue on that, but being a UP graduate myself, I guess I have to agree. =)

I was at the commencement exercise yesterday because a friend of mine, Miks, was one of the graduates. She earned her Masters in Technology Management. I am so happy and proud of what she has achieved in a matter of time. I envy her discipline and determination.

Crowd shot of the 4,000+ graduates in their sablay.

PNoy was the keynote speaker during the commencement exercise. UP Diliman awarded him the Doctor of Laws degree (honoris causa). With her in the photo is his sister, Aurora Corazon "Pinky" Aquino-Abellada.

The graduates giving the speaker an applaud and a standing ovation.

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I hope, wish, and pray that I will be able to wear my sablay next year! *crossing my fingers*

Sige na Lord! Malapit na ko ma-kickout sa college eh. hehe!

Ethan Marcus

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~ Maya Angelou

Yesterday, I was at St. Therese to be one of the godparents of my 11th godchild. Both his parents are my friends from the office. His mother was my schoolmate, my orgmate, my cubicle mate and has been a colleague of mine for more than five years now.

As we were attending the christening, two striped butterflies were hovering over us. They made their presence so visible that I was looking at them all the time. One of them would alight at a woman's skirt, at a man's shoulder while the other would hover on someone's head. The two butterflies stayed until the long and winding ceremony ended.

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I miss the owner of these eyes

There are moments in your life when you really miss someone that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. And then you’ll feel bad about it because you know that "hugging them for real" won't just happen (at least at that moment when you miss them). And you couldn’t do anything about it. You just have to suck on it, pacify yourself, and hope that tomorrow you’ll be okay. One of the side effects of missing someone is that there’s this pang of pain inside you, this certain, nameless void that wouldn’t just go away no matter what you do. It’s like a monster that needs to be fed. It just won’t stop until that void is filled.

I was never vocal about anything. But at least here, I could (loudly) say what my heart wants to say...

"Aaah, I miss her laugh!" =(

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Roses are so overrated (and so is V-day)

Some girl asked this guy if he could bring a rose to give to this girl who was then celebrating her birthday. The guy knew the implication of what the girl was asking and felt awkward about it. He knew better. So on the day of the girl's birthday, he did not bring a rose.

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Today is V-Day and it is also Etch's birthday. Yearly, we've been celebrating her birthday together with our other single friends, usually we go to a coffeeshop and talk until the day is over. A few minutes ago, we were at Conti's. Etch treated us for a nice, sumptous dinner. There we were, the five of us -- all single and happy. As we were about to start our meal, a lady from Conti's approached us and gave each one of us a long stem red rose. Hence, a rose on V-day.

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This morning I dreamt of Oki. I woke up feeling really bad. I could not remember the details of my dream (as I often do) all I know is, it was about Oki. I guess I just miss her. Her laugh most specially. =(

Watching you walk away is like anticipating a shortcoming

The only difference is that, anticipating a shortcoming is (much) easier to do.

It’s true what Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave”. And it’s more difficult if you are the one being left behind or the one watching the other person leaves. That has always been the case. I wonder what it feels to be the one leaving. I hope you find what you're looking for because right at this moment, I may not be that vocal about it, but I already miss you (like hell). I had to get used to it. Talking to myself (at night).

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“Ang cute cute kase. One of my fondest memories of you. =)”

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we had a meeting a moment ago and the boss asked us if we could do a bible study once a week for spritual nourishment. if he had asked me about this last year, i would have run, never to be seen again. but because of a few certain things that i've been pondering on lately, i reckoned that, one should never be conclusive on things. justine bieber said: "never say never!"

And the truth that you'll find will always be the truth you hide

There once were eyes that only saw you
But you never knew.
And the words that you fear will always be
The words you hear.

~ Collective Soul

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[postscript:]

…I asked someone to pinch my arm because I was sleepy. She cautioned me, “Masakit ako mangurot!” I assured her, “Try me. I have high tolerance for pain.” And like a good soldier, she did pinch me. And she fuckin’ pinched me hard.

Sometimes, even though it’s painful, one has to pretend it’s not. That has always been the name of the game. To continue to smile even though a dagger has been lunged into your heart.

One has to live comfortably amidst life’s misery

...whether it’s impose or a lack of choice, what matter is you maintain your stance.

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[postscript:]

I went to see “Hereafter” the other day. I’ve always been attracted to "death" as a major plot for a movie. It’s amazing how a director could turn such cliché of a topic into something that is “much more” than what it is. I was never a fan of Clint Eastwood the actor. But Clint Eastwood the director is a revelation to me. He’s a rockstar! Okay, I may have exaggerated there a bit but, you’ll be the judge.

Invictus, Changeling, Million Dollar Baby, Mystic River, Bridges of Madison Country (and now Hereafter) – I love them all!

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I was at the bookstore yesterday and I bought a book. The title? “I Can Read You Like A Book” by G. Hartley (a former army interrogator) and M. Karinch (a nonfic writer). I don’t know exactly why I bought it but suffice to say, I need to graduate from being “clueless”.

If only to see you...

... i will turn the moon so that we'll be seeing the same side. I will buy a time even for a peep.

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P.S.

I am currently engrossed in reading Ha Jin's work. "Waiting" is a breeze. It's a translated work but just like Murakami's books, the words flow so naturally into my senses. I don't feel like reading at all. It's like, he was reading it to me. =)

And then you smiled back like it’s the only thing that mattered

It’s difficult to compose a poem about you
Everything becomes obvious and yet insubstantial
Subliminal as it may seem, every thing goes back
To that one, fine day in the South—right after I shrugged
and brushed off your presence.

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[postscript]

A Story He Once Told Me

It was a bestfriend-falling-as-lovers kind of thing. And it happened to me once. I had a besfriend, Irene and we were close. I fell for her at the moment when our love was no longer meant to be. At the time that I realized it, she was already committed to another man, her boyfriend.

There was a time when after transfering into a new house, Irene felt scared. She was sensing some spirits in the new house and asked her bf to accompany him for awhile. The bf was not available so as her loyal bestfriend, Irene asked me instead.

It was a moment of reckoning. We were both lying on the bed. Irene’s head was resting in my arm and she looked at me and said, “I love you”. Instinctively, I answered back and said: “I love you too”. It was the most natural thing to do. It’s like we’ve felt it coming and saying it was just a recognition of our feelings. But just like any sweet dream that turned sour, we felt awkward after that. We parted ways.

A few weeks ago, Irene texted me, inviting me to attend her wedding. I told her I could not commit because the nature of my work requires traveling (sometimes on a short notice). Irene said: “I would really be disappointed if you would not be able to come to my wedding.” I said: “I am sorry.”

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After telling me that story, we had this conversation.

Him: Was I bad for not attending her wedding?

Me: Yes, because why wouldn't you attend? Unless, you still have feelings for her which, I think you still have. I guess I don't see any reason why you'll abstain yourself.

Him: You don't understand. It would be more complicated for me to be there.

Me: Why?

Him: Because a friend of ours told me, she's still in love with me.

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I don't know what to feel. I wanted to confirm something but I am afraid I will be asking the wrong question and it would ruin everything.

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

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About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

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[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

So near and yet so far

space is an odd thing to have
it goes beyond boundaries
you’re there—
I am here—
and yet our space never merged.

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I touched your cheek twice. You let me. I regretted it. Now I have nothing to think about but your cheeks and that dirt on your face that I had to remove. You told me I am abnormal because I have no hairs growing on my skin. And then you touched my arm and set it against the light. "You have at least 3 hairs growing in your arms, that's about it!". You think I didn't notice? You like touching my arm.

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I am bothered by my friend’s dilemma. I would like to reach out to her but she would not let me. She would not even tell me things. The only reason why I am keeping myself visible online (even on a busy mode) was for her to buzz me and tell me: “hey!”

never too young to start photography

Pardon the poor quality of the photo. I had to use my handphone to take this shot because Fiona, my four-year old niece, was just too busy exploring her new toy, my camera. It's heavy for her tiny fingers but I taught her how to handle it properly and she's learning fast. She takes decent photos as well. I would love to show them to you but she has this annoying habit of making me, her sole subject, which would practically bore anyone who would see it. Next time, I'll teach her how to take a steady shot coupled with an appropriate framing. =)

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Oct 23, LB -- Let me take this wonderful opportunity to greet a very special friend, CRIM, a happy birthday! I know you've deleted your blog already which now officially cuts me off from the "mainstream" of your profound and (sometimes) loony whereabouts, but rest assured that I am always there for you, be your shock absorber, secret keeper, drinking buddy, videoke mistress, I could be anyone you want me to be. I hope to see you soon. happy beerday!