There are those that you’d rather admire from a distance…

… mainly because it’s good for them, to remain unconscious and untouched. You want them to stay as they are, unknown of your existence.

About the Photo:

The sunflowers in UP Diliman are in bloom now. I was able to take photos during Miks' graduation. Flower power. Sunflower is one of my favorite subjects...there are just so many angles to explore. :-)

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{Random notes}

* After months of neglect and dilly-dally, I was able to finish Ha Jin’s Waiting. I am starting with a new book, Tim Lott’s White City Blue and so far, it’s quite interesting. I hope it won’t take me months before I finished it. Anyhow, I was amused after reading these lines:

“I know now that life is a habit, more or less. You do something, then you do it again, then again, and before you know it, that’s what you are, and that’s who you are, and you can’t imagine being anything or anyone else.”

* I have tasted the best cheesecake yesterday. It’s from Gumbo’s. The best part of course is that, I was sharing it with my favorite people.

* I gave K a bag of books yesterday and I was happy. It really feels good finding someone who has a huge appetite for reading books. And she’s just what, 11 or 12 years old? She said, her mom is also a voracious reader. I knew for a fact that her mom and I have exactly the same taste for music. And that she likes horses.

* It’s nice that I could talk to K with a little ease now. Even though she’s a little girl, I always feel like I am talking to someone my age (or perhaps more mature than me).

* K knows quite a bit about me. And I was quite a bit surprise. She knows I am a coffee addict. She knows I love books. She knows I love eating chicken. She knows I am awful when it comes to direction and she teases me about it. The other day, I told her that I love the smell of new books and that I smell them first before buying them. She finds it weird but she let me smell her new book.

* My mind tells me, I badly need some diversion. Sleeping (very) late is slowly taking over my body. I usually feel (really) weak and sleepy during the day. One time, he asked the condition of my sleeping problem and I told him, it's the same. I couldn't tell him that, partly...he was the reason I couldn't put myself to sleep. What a bummer!

* It's Holy Week...and I plan on working. There's just so much to do. =(

Roses are so overrated (and so is V-day)

Some girl asked this guy if he could bring a rose to give to this girl who was then celebrating her birthday. The guy knew the implication of what the girl was asking and felt awkward about it. He knew better. So on the day of the girl's birthday, he did not bring a rose.

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Today is V-Day and it is also Etch's birthday. Yearly, we've been celebrating her birthday together with our other single friends, usually we go to a coffeeshop and talk until the day is over. A few minutes ago, we were at Conti's. Etch treated us for a nice, sumptous dinner. There we were, the five of us -- all single and happy. As we were about to start our meal, a lady from Conti's approached us and gave each one of us a long stem red rose. Hence, a rose on V-day.

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This morning I dreamt of Oki. I woke up feeling really bad. I could not remember the details of my dream (as I often do) all I know is, it was about Oki. I guess I just miss her. Her laugh most specially. =(

All the pretty horses

She loves rock music and keep it loud even with earphones. You fear that one day, she’ll have a problem with her sense of hearing because of that habit. Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Nirvana, Eddie Vedder. What are the odds? She loves books and traveling.

But most of all, she loves all the pretty horses and have been a great rider.

I am all that. Except that I’ve never ridden a horse.

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Last night, I went to see the movie, “Shaolin”. I thought it was a Jacky Chan film, it turned out that he was only playing a supporting role to Andy Lau. I never really expected much from the film as I just went there to be entertained. I never really had a plan of watching it. I just want to treat myself to a movie after going through a rigid exam. Surprisingly, I went home satisfied. The film imbued some nice realizations. Some really nice things to think about. What goes around, comes around.

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My boss confessed something that made me go through a lot of thinking lately. She asked: What do you value the most, loyalty or friendship?

We do what we do because of a certain conformity to what we think (and believe) is the best (or what is right). Not only because of self-preservation but because it is the right thing. But sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing.

just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it...

~ One Republic

And in the midst of this misty, cold December morning...

…you’ll ask yourself: Am really doing the right thing?

And then a little voice inside you will say: You know it’s right if it feels right and it’s turning you into a better person.

For a moment there, I agreed with that little voice. Usually, we are antagonistic with each other. Always fighting with the DOs and DONTs of life. Always in binary opposition, ending up with a nonstop struggle (which is crazy by the way). It was nice to finally have something to agree with.

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[PS]

the other day, while i was attending a planning workshop in Tagaytay, a message popped from my YM. It was Fish! I have never heard anything from him except for the fact that he now works abroad as a chef. I teased him about being "rich" and enjoying the life abroad and he retorted back something like: "Mayaman ba yung alipin ka dito!" I said, "Well at least you have something to hold on to. I am sure you have a plan." I asked him my classic question (which is all me, by the way): "Are you happy there?" I don't remember him answering my question so I rephrased it: "What drives you? You must have reason why you opted to work there!" There is something about this guy that makes me want to laugh all the time. I don't know if he's serious or not but he really makes laugh (the hard way). He said: "Kailangan ko ng pambili ng ataol!" (nak ng teteng!) I burst into a laugh. Did I mention I was in a middle of a planning workshop? (pretending I was taking notes, but I was actually chatting). Bad me.

Our little chat went on. Mostly about existensialism. How his life working abroad. How I wanted to climb Mount Apo. How he wanted to earn money so he could climb more mountains. Then our topic went back to cooking. I asked his talent fee and told him I wanted to learn how to cook (the totyal way). He said: "Mura lang TF ko. Turuan kita pagbalik ko!" I said: "Pwede na ba pandesal na may kesong puti at sopdrink?" He affirmed. Then we bid goodbye. He said it was 2:30 am in Italy and he said needed to get up early morning the next day.

So near and yet so far

space is an odd thing to have
it goes beyond boundaries
you’re there—
I am here—
and yet our space never merged.

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I touched your cheek twice. You let me. I regretted it. Now I have nothing to think about but your cheeks and that dirt on your face that I had to remove. You told me I am abnormal because I have no hairs growing on my skin. And then you touched my arm and set it against the light. "You have at least 3 hairs growing in your arms, that's about it!". You think I didn't notice? You like touching my arm.

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I am bothered by my friend’s dilemma. I would like to reach out to her but she would not let me. She would not even tell me things. The only reason why I am keeping myself visible online (even on a busy mode) was for her to buzz me and tell me: “hey!”

What can I do the rain would not stop from pouring

The weather station said there's no typhoon but it's been raining for the past days. It just won't stop. At the end of the day, I usually end up getting soaked.

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[random:]

... I am having difficulty with my current sched right now. work is loaded and i enrolled 6 units of subjects for my MA class, Tuesday and Thursday. I was advised by the Graduate School Office to take all my subjects and one penalty course this sem because I am already in my maximum residency. I am supposed to have my thesis proposal defense this sem and my thesis next sem. geesuz. i don't know what to do with my time.

... as if work and MA are not enough, Oki and I are attending two yoga classes in a week (Mon and Thurs) but since I have a class every Thurs, I had to take the Sat morning session instead.

...travels, I had to give this up =(

...Christmas is fast approaching. Faster than I thought. Heck.

...when it comes to Crackhead and her pregnancy i am on pins and needles.

...i've never prayed this hard, everynight.

Oftentimes, my eyes fool me

I thought I had it all planned out in my head. I thought at that moment, everything is possible and nothing could go wrong. I used to be a pessismist. The picture did not turn out as "clear" as I hoped it would be.

"You'll remain a vague image in my head. It will never be clear for the both of us. There will always be the "rain" and the "wind" to come between us."

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Welcome to mystery

Imagine a place you can always escape to. An island off the coast of nowhere. A new destination of your own creation. Just waiting till you chose to go there. ~ Plain White T's

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So near and yet so far…

You’ve been (awfully) pathetic like me. But I must tell you, I have been admiring your strength from afar. And I hate it when I don’t know what is going on inside that head of yours.
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Hazy look

There’s no trick. I didn’t tweak this in the photoshop. I took this shot in Ilocos Norte at the front of the infamous (haunted) The Mansion. We were staying in an air-conditioned room and the lens of the camera was having its "moist moment" (which I hated) when I decided to go out and take photos of the early morning dew. It rained last night. Anyway, I wiped the center of the foggy lens in circular, slow motion, leaving the moist portion around the circumference creating a nice, foggy effect on the side. Hence, the photo.

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I’ve been thinking of deleting this blog. I wasn’t even updating or making an effort to write an entry. I have got tons of photos to post but I rarely had the time. Also, I noticed that most of my shots do not say anything, they lack emotions, which leads me to the conclusion that: I have a life and that I am happy. The only time I turn to this blog is when I am hitting rock bottom (or at least the feeling of it). Yesterday, I decided to breathe life to this blog at least for the meantime. A secret keeper must turn to something if she wants to keep herself intact and sane.

Today, I realized I need this blog after all. I need to vent. I need to write (even though sometimes it doesn’t make sense). I need this blog because…let me borrow my friend’s line: “to reaffirm my existence.” Geezus, I guess I am having one of those “hitting rock bottom” again…all because of a simple spite I heard this morning.

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Waiting for the dew to fall

Was it just a coincidence that three of my friends are all heartbroken right now and that they came to me to confess? One is trying to heal from a 5-year relationship, one is trying to hopelessly get away from a married man (the first she ever loved according to her), and one who has been enduring an unrequited love (she's been loving the guy for too long, I think).

Recently, I have been shying away from this phrase: “can you keep a secret?” I have been a loyal secret keeper to the people who matter to me. It’s difficult sometimes –being the keeper of their secrets. Sometimes you wanted to reach out to them but because you need to pretend that you don’t know anything, you feel (terribly) hopeless. People who are hurting inside are probably the most vulnerable. Their hearts can be sliced at an instant even with the seemingly slight remarks or mere mention of the person who have hurt them.

This morning, as I was doing my routine at work, a friend from grad school (whom I have gotten close to in a short time) sent me a YM message. She said, “I have something to tell you!” That irky feeling came to me. "Oh not not again. Not this week!" I told myself. I was taking the hint that it might probably be about her confession about her unrequited love. For nine months, she’s been swooning on this guy who was in NZ and had desperately fallen in love with him. They've gotten close when the guy came to Manila for a short vacation. It turned out, I knew the guy. He was from my hometown and I knew him from high school. But we don't know each other on a personal level. I just recognized him from the photo which my friend showed me.

My friend told me that, finally she had the guts to confess her feelings to this guy (through an email). But she got dumped. He said he doesn’t want to cross the boundaries. He wanted for them to stay as friends. I said to myself: “Ouch! That must have (feckin) hurt!” My friend said. “No, I am okay now…I’ve gotten over the guy. I am free now!” She did the confession two weeks ago and she has moved on already? "What we have has been a hanging issue. And because he dumped me, now we have a closure. It's done and over with," she said.

She advised me: “Rayts you should do the same. You should tell him already!” Suddenly the table was turned.

I wish it was that easy. I wish I have the guts. I finally made a deal with that a long time ago. I will wait for the dew drops to fall...by then, maybe (just) maybe I would be able to do my own version of the "love letters and confessions". Thinking about it now, it feels so high school-lish!

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If I scoop clouds in my hands and give it to you…

...will you love me?

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Everything in its time

There are a thousand reasons why I should give up but I'm stubborn in the things I believe. The river runs and the river hides out to the ocean and under the skyI promise you, the answer will come. ~ corrinne may

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Please hear what i am not saying

You are your own exhibit. People measure you depending on how you project yourself to them. But those who knew better can dig beyond what the eyes could see. And those who knew how to “read” know that sometimes, what you say isn’t really what's inside your head. But then again, who would bother knowing the hullabaloos in your head if you yourself would not allow to be opened.

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Refuge

Deep in the lake, over a fallen leaf hangs like a blue thread vanished and trite. A doldrum of winged hour that dropped from nowhere, he clasped my heart and captured my thoughts. To others, he was just a lone, blue dragonfly resting on a yellow, fallen leaf. To me, he's a refuge.

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[postscript]

I was told: "You're such a blessing, you know that? I'm fortunate to have a good friend like you."

The head is such an exaggerated place. It hits you right even before real things happen.

Never saw it coming

I guess I was too busy swimming under water that I have forgotten I need to breathe out.

How presumptuous of me to think that everybody plays for comfort and that being “friendly” towards one another could somehow lead beyond being “just” an acquaintance. It's a shame that at this age, I still don't know the rules. I am always being played out.

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[postscript]

... his mom calls me "anak" so many times that I cringed so many times as well. geezus, i've never been this uncomfortable in my life. i felt silly feeling good and awkward all at the same time.

... i went to see "here comes the bride" twice. just because the past few days had been (so) stressful for me and i needed a dose of laughs even for some fleeting moments.

... my niece Fiona is going to school this June. she's 4 and she's already been accelerated to kindergarten. she's smart. (perhaps) like her aunt. i am so attached to this kid, i needed to get my own, hehe!

...work is an ass. it's piling like hell. it never runs out. and the "supervisor" (always) needs to ask for my opinion. not that i am complaining. but i was used to the former "s" that we give each other a space. do your things and and let me do mine. that way---we accomplish more. you need not ask me about a decision that has already been made. we've talked about it and here you go asking again. we need to move on.

Crushed (and probably still bleeding)

...and why you do still keep up with a feeling that brought you nothing but pain? ~ NB

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Momentarily, I caught myself in a deep thought. Apparently, he was talking to me and I was not listening. A few weeks before, he asked me about a dinner. “My treat!” he said. He has been one of the few guy friends I am genuinely fond of so not thinking twice, I told him, “Sige ba!” Besides, he's the type who rarely invites someone for a treat. I have this impression that he chooses the company he keeps. One thing I am confused of is that he rarely talks to me when I am with other people. He is one quiet fish.

He asked me to choose the place for the dinner. I went for the cheaper ones, the one where I could order a beer. Getting drunk is a good excuse to disclose certain inhibitions; but pretending to be one is a sly. Oh yea, I am a sly.

One thing I've learned lately is that when you don't want to be the topic of a conversation, make way to fish out information about the other person. Let him be the lead actor/actress. How? ASK QUESTIONS. A series if you have to. Try immitating Boy Abunda. I love his misleading questions, they always knock me off my feet. Most people rarely say: "E ikaw naman?" Most people are caught up with themselves that they would not usually bother asking the other person how they have been. These kind of people-- I call them the "I" people ---always talking about "me, me and me". Apparently, this fella is far from being an "I" person. He always finds a way to ask how I've been.

During the course of our conversation, I noticed one important thing, that no matter how much he hides it and no matter how he denies it, such pain shows. His eyes betrayed him. And I pity him, honest to god I do. He's still crushed.

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[postscript:]

i just realized that i am becoming more and more sensitive lately. must be the age. or must be because i am jealous of people literally "moving on". why am i always left behind?

In the confusion and aftermath, you are my signal fire

...the only resolution and the only joy
is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

Why would you want to sing a song repeatedly if it doesn’t mean anything to you?

Why would you keep looking at a photo of a boat cruising over serene water on one April morning if as you said, "it's just an image produced by a distress heart trying to melancholize and romanticize everything"?

And why in the hell would you keep taunting my peace of mind when you knew I would never give in?

Why would you keep on repeating things when you already know the result?

It’s irrelevant. It is beyond one’s logic.

I reckon that some people do certain things consistently without (really) knowing the reasons. All they know is that, amidst the pain, they find some happiness doing it. After sometime, you’ll notice that out of that consistency and pattern the pain goes away and you’ll be contented with what’s left…emancipation.

I like to hold your hand one day…

...if not for this painful “prick” between us.

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