I have been waiting for “it” to fall…

There are things in life that no matter how hard you try to keep to yourself and to others will eventually show. No amount of mastery can keep one’s face from being stoic all the time especially if your heart is crushed. I've tried it once and found a tear dropping without me knowing it. As a child, I grew up shy and undemonstrative (almost to the point of lying to myself). I worry when someone observes me. I get paranoid when someone knew what goes in my brain.  What goes in my head is my business so I always have to keep a cool face. 

[Postscript]

dearest droplet,

You continue to rock my world. I have watched you and waited for you to fall, but you did not. You hanged in that old, wet trunk for too long. My feet got tired, my hands went numbed but you kept your stance. You never gave in. And just when I have decided to give up, to leave…in a wink of an eye, you dropped. Just like that. You could have warned me you know. I wanted you drop on my hand. I wanted to save you.

still in awe,

the girl who likes to wait

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I got a call this morning for a writing project. Yes, they will pay me. Tempting but my deadlines are way over the top :-( Crazy deadlines.

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I have a crazy idea in my head. Three letters: PhD. And then a more crazy idea. Two words: Comparative Literature. Geezus, I should lessen my caffeine in take. I am having sleeping problems again. Two weeks in a row!

I was singing it to you

This morning, RX played my song. Out of nowhere, it played MeLee's Can't Hold On.

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears

But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years

Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said

'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

Geezus, this song can make me cry at an instant. There's that air of sadness in Cris Cron's voice that gets me every time I hear him sing. A feeling of grief that is way beyond explaining.

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[random thoughts...]

...i watched Thor with friends, but i felt so alone. i don't understand.

...i want to watch Angel Locsin's ITNOL (maybe later)

...i saw MB the other day. the time was weird because we didn't expect to see each other there. and it was weirder because i just waved and did not even bother approaching or talking to him. crazy deed.

...i miss Oki and her contagious laugh. wala ng malulutong na tawa sa bahay. =(

...i need good vibes! I've been getting bad ones the last few days.

...i miss Fiona, i miss my family =(

...i've accomplished a lot these week, but i feel empty as if they were not enough.

...i wanted to get out. soon.

...been haggling my case to HIM. I hope HE'd grant me my wish.

...he said this to me once: "I need some time away from you."

Nostalgic

...that was the first word that came to mind. And no amount of diversion can cure the most nostalgic thought while you are at it.

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My first pair of TOMS

Last week, I bought my first pair of TOMS! I am planning of buying the limited edition (Journey is the Destination) when I get the chance. These shoes are really, really comfty! I guess, next to Chucks is Toms! (for me, at least).

If shoes make you feel better and it makes you wanna strut while walking comfortably, then I am all for it. This particular shoes is not just any ordinary pair of shoes. It comes with an advocacy. "With every pair you purchase, TOMS will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for One."

and oh...did I mention it's navy blue? you know I like blue right? all shades of it.

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[p.s]

mb: how'd you know it was my hand in the photo?

me: because it's hairy!

I miss the owner of these eyes

There are moments in your life when you really miss someone that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. And then you’ll feel bad about it because you know that "hugging them for real" won't just happen (at least at that moment when you miss them). And you couldn’t do anything about it. You just have to suck on it, pacify yourself, and hope that tomorrow you’ll be okay. One of the side effects of missing someone is that there’s this pang of pain inside you, this certain, nameless void that wouldn’t just go away no matter what you do. It’s like a monster that needs to be fed. It just won’t stop until that void is filled.

I was never vocal about anything. But at least here, I could (loudly) say what my heart wants to say...

"Aaah, I miss her laugh!" =(

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Standing out

.

It’s hard to stand out in a crowd that is overpowering with wits and beauty. I am (just) a silver ring with no accents that no one would even dare look back. Around me are golds and emeralds.

But hey, thanks for looking back. For a fleeting moment, I felt like I have outshone them.

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In between a cup of coffee

He sipped from his cup and instinctively continued our conversation which was momentarily abrupted. He was talking about his adventures in Palawan and his celebrity friends: Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion. I asked him if they're really an item (as the news insinuates). He smiled and told me to be the judge. He took his ipod touch and showed me the photos he took while they were on location. Apparently, the two celebrities were chosen by his client to be their endorsers. I listened while sipping from my cup. But I was multi-tasking. I was entertaining other thoughts in my head. I was thinking of another person (the one whom I wished I am sharing this conversation with).

The guy changed the topic and talked about our common friend, my classmate from college. Then he asked me: “How about you Rayts, do you have a husband?” I almost burst into a laugh. Good thing I already finished my cup. I gave him a crooked smiled. “Yes, I do. But only in my mind.” He doesn’t seem to hear what I (just) said. He knew I am single; he knew I have no husband. I wanted to ask him back: “How about you? I believe you are 38, how come you don’t have a wife?” Does he even appreciate levity in a moment of misunderstanding? I guess. As I have heard from his brother, he’ got the best sense of humor.

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[PS]

I went to see The Little Fockers the other day with Miks at Trinoma. Geezus, it was freezing cold inside the cinema. The weather has been fairly strange the past few days. It's colder now in Metro Manila, the wind is numbing on the cheek when you take a stroll at night. Inside the cinema was worst. I had to give my sweater to Miks. Between the two of us, I have higher resistance to cold (i think). By the time we finished the film, I could hardly make it to the exit. My feet were ice cold. Brr.

The movie sucked by the way. Sorry. But I could only count the very few times I laughed. The movie was cheesy, it broke the humor. I like the previous 2 Fockers flicks. =)

If only to see you...

... i will turn the moon so that we'll be seeing the same side. I will buy a time even for a peep.

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P.S.

I am currently engrossed in reading Ha Jin's work. "Waiting" is a breeze. It's a translated work but just like Murakami's books, the words flow so naturally into my senses. I don't feel like reading at all. It's like, he was reading it to me. =)

Knowing where you need to go, that has always been the (basic) rule of the game

A man leads the early morning traffic along Macapagal Blvd. We are heading to the SM Mall of Asia for the biotechnology exhibit. This particular road looks great at night, especially during this time of the year. So many lights, suddenly this seemingly dull looking street becomes spectacular.

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[postscripts and randomness...]

I've been having a crazy schedule lately and my (awful) sleeping habit is making it worst. This afternoon, I was attending a planning workshop for info officers and I swore I could have just snoozed there in front of every one. Don't blame me. The topics were boring and the speakers were lulling me to sleep. Tomorrow, it's another "boring concert at the park"...strat plan in Tagaytay. geezus.

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Some guy who was supposed to be a friend of a former colleague at the office called me awhile ago to offer me a part time job. The guy works in a company somewhere in Ortigas. The words "part time job" and "good compensation" and "leadership potential" instantly brought a nice spellbounding interest into my ears. He said, this former colleague recommended me for the job. To cut the story short, I got interested and confirmed a sched for an interview. Little did I know that the job has something to do with "networking". Good thing I called back and asked him the details. At that instant, I backed out.

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what does it take to be called..."timang?" is it synanymous to being "stupid"?

i need a wiper to put myself to sleep...

i want that red Sanuk I spotted the other day at SM Mega...

i texted MB and counted how many minutes before he was able to answer back...average of 3-5 minutes. not bad.

i've been craving for Yellowcab's Dear Darla all day and i don't even like pizza to begin with.

Sometimes, you'd wish that the mind would just give up and stop thinking too much

This "sickness" is breaking me into little pieces. I dread closing my eyes. I could not make my mind to hold still. Like an anxious monkey, it keeps on swinging from one tree to the next, from one idea to another from one troubled mind to one more of that kind. Then, just as when I am about to get tired and find some sleep, there goes an awful dream. I usually forget them, but I bring them with me in my morning routine, that awful feeling of being chased by god-knows-what.

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[postscript]

i could tell you names and weave a story out of them. that's how i've developed a keen ear-- by listening to your stories. i do not need notes to write down every detail. i've memorized them by heart. i even knew how and when you said those stories. i hope you've been listening to me as well, listening to my stories. because it would break my heart knowing that this friendship has always been a one-way road.

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for the nth time, a puzzle was taught to me, torturingly...

And then you smiled back like it’s the only thing that mattered

It’s difficult to compose a poem about you
Everything becomes obvious and yet insubstantial
Subliminal as it may seem, every thing goes back
To that one, fine day in the South—right after I shrugged
and brushed off your presence.

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[postscript]

A Story He Once Told Me

It was a bestfriend-falling-as-lovers kind of thing. And it happened to me once. I had a besfriend, Irene and we were close. I fell for her at the moment when our love was no longer meant to be. At the time that I realized it, she was already committed to another man, her boyfriend.

There was a time when after transfering into a new house, Irene felt scared. She was sensing some spirits in the new house and asked her bf to accompany him for awhile. The bf was not available so as her loyal bestfriend, Irene asked me instead.

It was a moment of reckoning. We were both lying on the bed. Irene’s head was resting in my arm and she looked at me and said, “I love you”. Instinctively, I answered back and said: “I love you too”. It was the most natural thing to do. It’s like we’ve felt it coming and saying it was just a recognition of our feelings. But just like any sweet dream that turned sour, we felt awkward after that. We parted ways.

A few weeks ago, Irene texted me, inviting me to attend her wedding. I told her I could not commit because the nature of my work requires traveling (sometimes on a short notice). Irene said: “I would really be disappointed if you would not be able to come to my wedding.” I said: “I am sorry.”

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After telling me that story, we had this conversation.

Him: Was I bad for not attending her wedding?

Me: Yes, because why wouldn't you attend? Unless, you still have feelings for her which, I think you still have. I guess I don't see any reason why you'll abstain yourself.

Him: You don't understand. It would be more complicated for me to be there.

Me: Why?

Him: Because a friend of ours told me, she's still in love with me.

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I don't know what to feel. I wanted to confirm something but I am afraid I will be asking the wrong question and it would ruin everything.

Rainman

How can you NOT like a man whom without a second thought, would go in the middle of a basketball court-- to walk, dance, and sing in the middle of a pouring a rain (with no shame)?

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What can I do the rain would not stop from pouring

The weather station said there's no typhoon but it's been raining for the past days. It just won't stop. At the end of the day, I usually end up getting soaked.

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[random:]

... I am having difficulty with my current sched right now. work is loaded and i enrolled 6 units of subjects for my MA class, Tuesday and Thursday. I was advised by the Graduate School Office to take all my subjects and one penalty course this sem because I am already in my maximum residency. I am supposed to have my thesis proposal defense this sem and my thesis next sem. geesuz. i don't know what to do with my time.

... as if work and MA are not enough, Oki and I are attending two yoga classes in a week (Mon and Thurs) but since I have a class every Thurs, I had to take the Sat morning session instead.

...travels, I had to give this up =(

...Christmas is fast approaching. Faster than I thought. Heck.

...when it comes to Crackhead and her pregnancy i am on pins and needles.

...i've never prayed this hard, everynight.

Healthy fear

There may be a natural, healthy kind of fear. But the kind of fear that I don't like and want not to obey is the fear that urges me to act contrary to my own feelings or to act before I know what my feelings are.

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[postscript:]

There are (more than) times that I have contradicted myself in doing something that my mind has been set NOT TO DO but because I have a heart that is (totally) incapable of sticking to reason, I have to bend back an earlier decision and follow this sudden swerve. Ah, when will I learn?

I need this book

I do not need to explain. Do I?

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[postscript:]

Just watched Social Network. It was a David Fincher flick, no wonder I liked it (err, Fight Club, Se7en, The Game-- all of them great films).

Mark Zuckerberg is a genius...no doubt about that. But as one of the characters said, "You're not an asshole Mark. You're just so trying hard to be!" --that's all it was. But I am glad Mark Z created Facebook. Goodness, aren't we all? It's just sad that "my Erica Albright" in real life doesn't even believe in FB so he doesn't have an account. In fact, he hated it. And I told myself: "Heck, what's the point of having an FB if I would not be able to stalk him?"

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It's almost one in the morning...someone sent an SMS...geezuz, a SMART alert. heck.

It's almost two in the morning and I can't get myself to sleep. No sign of drowsiness.

I am excited about my yoga class tomorrow. O yeah...I am into yoga now. Beat that.

Sleep, rayts...get some sleep!

Oftentimes, my eyes fool me

I thought I had it all planned out in my head. I thought at that moment, everything is possible and nothing could go wrong. I used to be a pessismist. The picture did not turn out as "clear" as I hoped it would be.

"You'll remain a vague image in my head. It will never be clear for the both of us. There will always be the "rain" and the "wind" to come between us."

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Dusk

Between the dusk of a summer night
And the dawn of a summer day
We caught at a mood as it passed in flight
And we bade it stoop and stay.
And what with the dawn of night began
With the dusk of day was done... ~ W.E. Henley

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[postscript]

Once, I have told a friend how fascinated I am with clouds. Not everyone likes the clouds, I said. Most of them would be fascinated with the blue sky but the sky would be (terribly) dull without the clouds. He couldn't agree more. I do not know if he was amazed by what I just said or was totally bewildered as to why I had suddenly revealed such insight when we never even talk. Everything started with the clouds. Dusk was just a backdrop.

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I do not know if I should tell someone a secret or not. Just for the purpose of making him (more) sensitive about the other person's feeling. But then again, I would break a promise if I did that. Should I? I just felt the pang of pain when he mentioned his name to her. Suddenly, I felt helpless for her. God, I wish I could do something for that friend.

It’s funny how everything and anything reminds me of you...

...including a 16 oz. of Figaro’s piping hot brewed coffee.

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[postscript]

random...

...been out the past few days. 3 weeks of overtime is no joke. every bit of me is aching (physically). i've been having this cough and colds for two weeks now and i am growing sick and tired of it. people must have gotten used to hearing me "bark!" geesuz.

...yesterday, i went out to have a date with myself. i wanted to spend the whole Sunday visiting bookstores, watching a great film and enter a coffee shop doing nothing but watching the people passing by. that's the old me. i enjoy doing these things. i did and it was nice. i visited powerbooks (they have a new outlet at the other building of megamall, a smaller one, i like their old place though). i planned on buying a really nice book but opted not to because i am afraid that i wouldn't be able to read the other books in my shelves which are begging to be read. i also went to see Ben Affleck's The Town which was surprisingly good. I wanted to watch Eat, Pray, Love but the time wasn't conducive. I did stay inside a coffee shop, just watching people's shoes. I sipped and I watched them passed by. shoes. all kinds.

...tomorrow i have to be in Pampanga for another mind-numbing meeting on biotechnology. i had to fill in for my boss. i miss my cube. i wish i am just in my cube for the next few days. i miss travelling. never on official business.

...i miss being on top of a mountain. i miss the cold air there.

... i dread christmas.

In the zone

There are things you realized when you are “in the zone”. Unfortunately for me, that particular moment always happens while I am in the comfort room. And it’s funny because I often end up crying afterwards. This frickin' head of mine always works on the double when I am sitting on that throne. It’s just that the moment I sit, flashes of memories came rushing in and by the minute I am in my zone (going back to places but in most cases, creating instances that never even happened). And then with some bizarre maneuvering, a certain memory often comes with a frickin’ soundtrack. What the hell is wrong with me? Like yesterday, I think I cried the whole frickin’ hour inside the comfort room. A memory of a guy flashed before me. At the background was Donny Gerrard singing “For Just a Moment” from the OST of one of my all-time favorite movies from the 80s, St. Elmo’s Fire. Geesuz, why that of all songs. This song has that particular power to "kill me" with despair. Suddenly Kevin Dolenz’s character came to me.

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So near and yet so far…

You’ve been (awfully) pathetic like me. But I must tell you, I have been admiring your strength from afar. And I hate it when I don’t know what is going on inside that head of yours.
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