K-A-R-E-N

I met a girl named Karen. She is 75 percent Chinese. I don’t know her surname just her first name as shown in her name tag. She’s a bank teller. I have been going to this particular bank for five years now and I always see her. Going to this particular bank irritates me because of the poor service. The queue is killing me. They have adopted this new computerized system of queuing that is quite unbearable for me.

But somehow, I found a way to divert my boredom and irritation by looking at Karen. She was the first person I look for whenever I enter the bank. I don’t know what it is about her but I am drawn to her. Her kindness and enthusiasm warms my heart.

Two weeks ago, I had the chance of having a more-than-a-glance encounter with her. I was making a transaction and she was the one who attended to my inquiries. My instinct was right. She’s a nice person. Maybe she’s nice to all the clients but I sense sincerity in the way she talks to me. It’s as if we’ve known each other for a long time. She asked me about my work and asked if I have vacant hours. I told her I am being paid to write down my thoughts. In between I could drink coffee and talk to the walls. She smiled. I don’t know what she was thinking but I believe I had caught her interest.

This morning, I saw her again. She was surprised to see me. I was (more than) happy to see her. I asked her if she’s fluent in Mandarin. She said “yes”.

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postscript:

"something within me is not right. i could not exactly tell what and how it started but i feel it growing worse everyday. it's like my heart is bursting every time it hurts. the pain does not compensate for anything. it heals and breaks on its own." ~ letter to coffeebeans (2-1-12)

In life, sometimes you just can't pick on the colors you like and wear it

That's because sometimes, the color that you like is not available or out-of-stock. My point is, although we were meant to believe that we do have a choice, the truth is sometimes (or most of the times), we don't.

In the photo: A young lady is picking a summer dress for my niece. I asked for pink, but they don't have it so I opted for the aqua blue.

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[random thoughts...]

The other day, a guy friend told me something that put me at the edge of my seat (figuratively). He was taking his usual drag that night and I noticed his sullen face. I asked him why he's been sad the past few days. Right then, he told me what's bothering him. I didn't even know that my observation was valid. I feel for him. He's been a nice friend and I hope everything turns out well for him. I wanted to reach out but I promised to keep every thing just between us. He's my male version--we like to keep things to ourselves. Letting other people think that we're okay even though we're rotten inside.

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The last few days, I have realized one thing and one thing only: EVERYONE is graduating except me! A friend of mine who's taking her Master's in Antwerp has just gotten her diploma recently, she'll be coming home next month and celebrate the good news with us. Another one from my friends just texted me last night that she passed her comprehensive exam in De La Salle and she will be graduating this coming March. Geezus.

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"I broke the silence and he broke my heart."

If I touch your hand, would you avoid it?

Once, you told me about this girl who tried to hold your hand and how in an effort not to hurt her feelings, you change the topic of your conversation and avoided touching her hand. And then you asked me, wondering why after that incident, “di na siya nagparamdam”. Sa isip ko lang, "manhid ka ba or nagpapansin lang?" Then I felt (sorry) for the girl.

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[random thoughts...]

I miss going to my favorite bookstore. It's too far from the office and the only thing I could do after work is go home and pray that I would be able to sleep (earlier) than usual. My body has been aching for ENOUGH sleep. But this stupid brain is monkey-hunting again.

I overshoot my expenses last month, hence the need to deprive myself of the "luxuries" -- I want new books, a new prime lens, a new watch, and a new backpack. blah. dream on!

I miss having coffee with myself. =/ I miss singing in a videoke with my friends. I miss Korean food.

I wanted to watch the DFF Concert. I wanted to see Sunshine Corazon sing live. Bullocks, they have overpriced the tickets. Was it because Michael Bolton was in it? Bleh. Antayin ko na lang sa youtube, hehe.

I received my official invitation from China yesterday. Hmm.

The more one tries to avoid it, the more that it happens

Just like an old photo glued on the wall, eventually it would peel off no matter how one tries to glue it back. Some things are not meant to be. In the same manner that some things are bound to happen even if you tried hard to avoid it.

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...and then he said to her: "I am not just into you."

He said it so naturally as if he was just commenting about the weather. He said that on her birthday. Choosing between being crushed by a roving truck and being eaten alive right at that moment--proved no difference to her. She died that day.

In between a cup of coffee

He sipped from his cup and instinctively continued our conversation which was momentarily abrupted. He was talking about his adventures in Palawan and his celebrity friends: Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion. I asked him if they're really an item (as the news insinuates). He smiled and told me to be the judge. He took his ipod touch and showed me the photos he took while they were on location. Apparently, the two celebrities were chosen by his client to be their endorsers. I listened while sipping from my cup. But I was multi-tasking. I was entertaining other thoughts in my head. I was thinking of another person (the one whom I wished I am sharing this conversation with).

The guy changed the topic and talked about our common friend, my classmate from college. Then he asked me: “How about you Rayts, do you have a husband?” I almost burst into a laugh. Good thing I already finished my cup. I gave him a crooked smiled. “Yes, I do. But only in my mind.” He doesn’t seem to hear what I (just) said. He knew I am single; he knew I have no husband. I wanted to ask him back: “How about you? I believe you are 38, how come you don’t have a wife?” Does he even appreciate levity in a moment of misunderstanding? I guess. As I have heard from his brother, he’ got the best sense of humor.

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[PS]

I went to see The Little Fockers the other day with Miks at Trinoma. Geezus, it was freezing cold inside the cinema. The weather has been fairly strange the past few days. It's colder now in Metro Manila, the wind is numbing on the cheek when you take a stroll at night. Inside the cinema was worst. I had to give my sweater to Miks. Between the two of us, I have higher resistance to cold (i think). By the time we finished the film, I could hardly make it to the exit. My feet were ice cold. Brr.

The movie sucked by the way. Sorry. But I could only count the very few times I laughed. The movie was cheesy, it broke the humor. I like the previous 2 Fockers flicks. =)

Catch me a fish and I promise to follow you around

i run and i follow
where your shadows go, i be
and though physical presence aborts
the mind travels—
though space says it's far-fetched.

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About the photo: I met the boy when I was in Mindoro last week. He's probably the most elusive subject I have ever encountered. He never liked me nor my camera. He always ran away from me just as I was about to click the shutter. He moves around a lot. He loves to run around the 93 ha fishery pond which his father manages. The sun was beating me down and I could not keep up with him. Until finally, I pretended I was asleep, resting on one of the benches in front of their house and I felt that he tamed a little. A few minutes later, just as I opened my eyes, I saw him and the dog with a milkfish in its mouth--they were running towards me and presto, I got my shot. =)

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[postscript:]

just a few thoughts I need to vent...

- i can't sleep (again). it's now passed one in the morning and i could not feel the urge to close my eyes.

- the weeklong NBW is finally over and thought that maybe my sched would be a little lax for the coming weeks, i guess i was wrong. 3-day seminar, techno-calendar delivery, papers/assignments for my MA, 5 articles for BC and BD, 2 publications to layout...all bound for next week. blah.

- i am looking forward to our Mt. Maculot ascend this weekend. =)

- i am looking forward to see two of the most important people in my life. I miss them. For some strange reason, they remind me of the "old me" -- and why I continue to live the way I am today.

- yoga class tomorrow, finally!

- will have to stop (too) much thinking.

Batanes 04: Beautiful Ivatan

...and do you still wonder why people keep coming back to this place?

I can't get enough of the place, can't get enough of the food, most of all, can't get enough of the beautiful people. Here's a second round of the happy and beautiful people of Batanes!

A kiddo I met while we were exploring Shanedel's Resort in Batan Island. Gotta love those smiles. :-D

She looks perky and inquisitive. She is. She likes to pose for the camera but I like her most when she stops posing and starts being herself.

In Chavayan, we met this young lady who was milling white corn using a traditional grinding stone. It took a lot of effort on her side to mill the corn and talk to annoying tourists (like us) all at the same time, but she was indeed very accomodating.

Just to prove to you how hospitable Ivatans are. She was brooding and she seems to be in a deep thought when I bothered her. Still, she managed to throw me a smile.

One of the reasons why I was in BATANES and the main reason why I am enamored by this place. The ever-beautiful and witty, Crim. Gotta love this woman. Did I mention she's an Ivatan?!

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[postscript:]

...it's raining in quezon city. the sky is pouring its heart out to me. :-)

...can't help but smiling these days. why? i am losing every inch of hope and yet i feel like hanging on. yes, i am a masochist by heart.

....how could you NOT like jason magbanua? jezzuz. he's the best.

.... i miss Fiona. :-)

I am sleepy most of the time that I’ve been missing "valuable opportunities" to be with you

I value sleep a lot. Give me a straight eight-hour sleep a day and I will be happy. I hate going to work, facing my pc, having to write an article or a speech and I am sleepy. It’s a good thing that we always have coffee in the office. I am getting by somehow.

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The story of the sleepy-looking girl [part 1]

One late night at Starbucks somewhere in Quezon City.

A sleepy-looking girl was standing in front of the counter. She was scouting for the names written on the menu although in her mind, she already knew what drink to order. She always order cappuccino so it should not take her long to decide. But at that particular moment, it took her some time to make up her mind.

The guy at the cashier had a smile on his face, patiently waiting for the sleepy-looking girl to say her order. The tag on his shirt says, “Mar”. He had a green apron on top of his shirt.

“One cappuccino tall please,” finally the sleepy-looking girl said to the guy. She looked at him and noticed the mole on the tip of his nose. It suits his face, she thought.

“Will you be drinking that here or to go?” he answered back still smiling. His teeth were awesome white, she thought.

“Here,” she softly answered.

“Can I get your name, ma’am?” he asked again. The smile on his face remained.

The girl was silent for a moment. She blushed a little. But she wasn't sure. She could not look at him. She usually doesn’t give her name. Usually, it’s “Joey” or “Sarah” or “Anne” or any of Murakami’s protagonists or "Naoko" or "Ayumi" because she likes names that have a Japanese sound to it. But that particular night was different. She felt like giving away her real name.

“Margarita” she finally said.

“One cappuccino tall for Margarita coming up!” he said it in a template-ish, mechanical kind of way. But the smile did not fade which made the sleepy-looking girl all perk up and alive.

The sleepy-looking girl looked back before finally settling in her table. She was surprised to see him looking back.

She decided: tomorrow she'll have the Cafe Americano, same time, same coffeeshop, same name.

You've have been "my target" all along

six seconds. three steps forward. three steps away. i counted. i saw you. you saw me. it was just a brief moment. so brief that no one noticed. but i knew, you knew what those looks meant. i hope you’re okay. i hope you’re good. the last thing i wanted was for you to be out of my sight again.

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No “soft ripples” today

We come and go like ripples in a stream...

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[postscript]

“Trip through your wires”

For the last two days, “people” have been coming and going into my boss’ cube and for the last two days I could hear a conundrum of emotions pouring in—people asking for advice. Where the hell am I? For awhile, I thought I was in a psych’s office. “Okay guys, consultation hour is over!” I wanted to shout out. My boss has instantly become a shrink. Okay, it’s not my fault that I hear them. Their voices are overpowering my music. What’s going on in the world?

In as much as I wanted to give a lady-gaga-poker-face attitude, I could not. I hate the fact that it’s taking over Bono’s voice. U2 sound wickedly awful with that kind of murmur in the background. So I took off my earphone and went with the flow. I was pretending to be busy with "other" things but I was all ears.

Patient #1: “Bakit kailangan nila kaming singilin sa ganoong paraan?” (this was followed by a yowl).

Patient #2 “Yan naman ang nagiging problema sa mundo kapag walang balanse,” (said in a spiteful tone).

Again, what's going on with the world? Can't this people find a better place to vent?

Afterwhile, I could not bear it anymore. I went back to my own world. Happy to hear Bono singing again...

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mr. brightside...for the fourth day. i should make him a poem. looks like he is exceeding my expiration. what is wrong with this equation: me + gown + wedding = funny. hmmm.

Table for two

The scene appeals to me: two men, one table amongst the many empty one, it was almost midnight.

We were at Dampa in Cubao two days ago...celebrating life. Oki, Deb, Dax are also August celebrators so we agreed to treat our friends on that one particular day, my actual birthday. We stayed there until almost midnight. From the corridor of our reserved room, I found this two men drinking the night away. The pitcher of Pale Pilsen gone and the ice cubes had already turned into water. Both of them looked intense. One of the guys at the restaurant was pointing at my direction, probably trying to get their attention because I was shooting at them. The two guys seemed unmindful.

Happiness is an overated word but that night, I was particularly "happy". It always feels good to celebrate life in the company of "friends"...people who (has the capability to) understand my eccentricities and would not require explanations for them.

Plus, the food was really delicious.

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[postscript:]

A cornball talking to a cornborer:

“Naisip ko lang, kung friends mo sila, malamang disordered din ang mga tables nila so naisip kong yun ang ibigay na gift!"

The cornball explained while spitefully looking at the cornborer's "chaotic" table with all the heap of books and papers, copious post-it, and loose papers dwelling all over. Then as if it was not enough, the cornball said:

"Wala naman sigurong ahas dyan!" (pointing at the heap of papers and books)

I gave him a hard laugh (which least to say, is the most unexpected reaction).

Breakdance ‘to behbeh ko!

No meaningless randomness here, just historical contingency, hehe.

For those who have seen the film, you know what the heck my title means (and the humor). Oh yea, I am so ‘jologs’ I watched the film twice. Haha! I think I will be having two more invites for the next few days and I was thinking…”why not watch it again, and again.” Especially if the tickets are for free.

The first time was with my two office buddies, Deb and Etch. And because we could not contain our feelings, we went "starbucks-ing' afterwards.

DEB: Hmm, should I watch it again? I must admit, the movie was funny I almost farted from my seat, nyehehe!

ETCH: I will join you for the next round. No need to beg me, Rayts.

DEB and ETCH (rolling eyes) : Yes, we will watch the movie again!

DEB and ETCH (Chinese eyes) : We told you, we will watch the movie again!

MARGARITA's CUP: I am ready for my third! Anyone with a free ticket there? :-D

If you want entertainment, this movie will crack you up. Other than that, I don't think there's need to be all intellectual and analytical about the plot. :-D

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Hanging out with the Band of Seven ;-)

They are not the latest sensation in the indie rock band or something. But they are some of the nicest people I have ever met during a call of duty.

So there were Paul, Gene, Eric, Tommy, Ace, Bruce and Mark...nah, I don't know their names and I could not even make myself remember them. Those I mentioned were actually members (present and former) of my fave rock band, KISS. :-)

While we were on assignment, we spotted this group of farmers at the side of the street on our way to Urdaneta, Pangasinan. They were having sietas I guess. Most of them were taking a drag, some of them were just having a chat about life and work in general. They were a bit shy when me and my colleague butted in their little circle. I asked that I'd take their photos and they were more than happy to oblige.

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[postscript]

My sister texted a few minutes ago. She said, I have a new niece. My second, the daughter of my brother who's probably out on the sea at this moment sailing half way around the globe. He doesn't know it yet. I am excited to see my niece. I hope she gets my witt and someone else's sense of humor. haha!

They always look good in uniform

THE DRILL. PMA is the training school for future officers of the Armed Forces of the Philippines.

THE SALUTE. There's a rule of thumb for the salute and the "good morning" greeting. But I got the greeting every time they passed me by, which made me smile at all times.

A LADY IN UNIFORM. She looks pretty even with the short hair.

I was traversing through the manicured ground of the Philippine Military Academy (PMA) while enjoying the thick fog that was coming my way. The fog touched my face and felt the cool breeze. I stopped walking and suddenly found myself lost in the middle of oblivion.

While I was enjoying a fleeting moment of my solitude, my other two companions were exploring the area. My boss opted to stay in the car. She is a resident of Baguio City, after all.

I scouted the place for some photographic moments. I went to the Lopez Hall of Leaders, quite a new building that would probably attract any visitor because of the beautiful landscape. While taking photos of the flowers, a group of men and women came out of their classrooms, marching their way towards my direction. They look awesome in uniforms. And even with a military cap and a very short hair, I spotted a few female cadets marching with the men. Biologically speaking, there’s still quite a clear delineation of how a woman and a man marches. Nonetheless, they all look smart in their uniforms.

Although PMA was established in 1905, it was only in 1993 that it started accepting women in the Academy.

Located at Fort Gegorio del Pilar on Loakan Road, PMA is a favorite spot among tourists who visit the City of Pine. It has a museum, an exhibit of vintage tanks and other historical military weapons on the ground.

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[postscript]

some random thoughts...

...Oki and I met a long-time friend at starbucks. Oki had to leave early though. It was just me and the friend. we talked about her life and got surprised of how opened she was about it. somehow, without her realizing it, i got (so) enlightened by her experiences that i was left asking her all the time. asking like an innocent child. it occurred to me that most of my 'serious' conversations (often) happen either over a cup of coffee or a (tower) of beer. cheez.

...i wanted to start reading books again. but every time i pick a new title, it always ends up beside my bed (or under my pillow). it takes me at least a month or two before i finish one. sad.

...my chance of getting an MA degree this year is getting (more) hopeless (than ever). this morning, i had to cancel a subject because of a misunderstanding (or stupidity?). will there ever be a cure for stupidity? i told a colleague that i will try to finish my thesis this semester (or at least a draft of my manuscript). he smiled. i took it as a sign of sarcasm (which i always do). i never finish anything.

...i am liking the ellipses. you know the dot, dot, dot...not-finishing-a-sentence-kinda-thing.

...i invited this someone for coffee and what do i get as a reply? "i will send you a memo." is there any subtle word for "crushed"???

...i love Wong Kar Wai's latest flick, My Blueberry Nights, so much so that i wanted to watch it again and again.

Always in the thick of something

In the middle of a public demonstration, I found this man. Holding a dented can of Selecta ice cream, he stretches his arms in between people passing by seeking people's attention, asking for some spare change. But he is not your usual, meek type of beggar who acts on people's pity. He is loud and in most cases, persistent. I started taking several shots of him and bystanders start looking at me. I try to shrug of the attention and focus on this man. Then he starts noticing me as well. I would have stopped shooting right then and then but he ignores my existence. He never seems to mind. He continues what he's doing. He continues to bug people for penny. I, on the other hand, continue shooting.

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Postscript:

[ICs @ eLBi, on that one corner where Natalie Imbruglia's photo is pinned]

before leaving the country, a friend left me with this phrase: purge, purge, purge! it was more of an advice for herself than mine. but lately, I’ve been thinking about it too. i always say that we tend to see the truth about ourselves in the most unlikely situation or circumstance. Sometime we discover the “not so good parts” but we discover, nonetheless. and it's good (i think). but in crucial moments, i usually doubt my decisions. i was never a logical person to begin with. i tend to choose the safest way--that one, particular road that gives priority to the feelings of others. my feeling is my least concern. i like to think that somewhere, somehow i will always have a control over my own feelings. that I can dictate as to which direction it should go. once again, i was proven wrong. heck.

She gives, then she laughs

…could it because I look funny? Or was it because the instance was funny? I think it's both.

Anyway, I bought a kilo of her guavas and ate them with gusto. The guavas are sweet. She's a nice lady.

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Postscript:

[Istarbaks, Congressional]
napapansin ko napapadalas ang daot ko. kundi lumalaklak ng kape, madalas nakatingin sa kisame. wala lang. yung thesis proposal ko wala pa ding porma. may isang sociology prop na ang nag-offer ng tulong sa ‘kin para lang tapusin ko na ang thesis ko pero wala pa din. yung institusyon ko inoperan na ko ng pera matapos ko lang MA ko, ala pa rin. pordyosporsanto, ano bang hinihintay ko? siguro, siguro pag-ikaw na ang nagalit, makukumbinsi ako. pinagalitan mo na ako dati. naging epektib. nagkumahog ako. napaisip. kaso ngayon, kailangan ko nang mag-amot. mag-amot ng pansin. di ka na 24-7. kailangan laging may opisyal akong rason. di na pwede yung walang lang. naknakan.

Looking the other way

We passed by Tanjung Aru Beach for the second time. It’s one of the most popular spots in KK where one can relax and enjoy the view. It’s well known for its spectacular sunset. But we’re too early to catch the sunset so Charl and I just enjoyed what this place has to offer. I asked Charl to stand by the tree so I could take her photo but there was this man standing at the background. He was solidly standing on his spot, looking at the vast sea. When I hit the shutter, he looked the other way.

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[fragmented thoughts]:

that day was particularly silent. my thoughts were in a warfare. i sat by the window. only the sound of leaves flapping with the strong wind. the rain was splashing through the glass. but i could not hear a sound. i just watched in silent. once again, i am enamored by a memory.

A FRIEND is someone who knows all about you, and still likes you

I was told that the number of friends you have tells much about the kind of person you are.

Do you agree?

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And that even though it's awkward, you manage to smile back

We were in Cotabato some weeks ago to produce a video presentation about rootcrops and we had to interview some farmers in the field. I was there mostly to help with the script and to pitch in a few suggestions here and there particularly on how to go about the story. We were given five days to do the whole production. We went into this remote village somewhere in Cuyapon and while the production team was busy in interviewing a farmer which we found on the road working, I slipped out from the crowd and met these whole bunch of children who seem to be amazed at what were doing. I'd like to think they like me (or maybe they like my camera). I asked one of the kids to smile for me. The sun was blazing hot that day. And that even though it was awkward, he managed to smile back.

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Redbaron tagged me... Sorry, it took awhile! :-)

The Rules: Each player answers the given questions about themselves. At the end of which, a further 5-6 people are tagged and informed accordingly on their own blogs. The unfortunate victim is requested to let the person who tagged them know when they’ve posted their answer.

1. What was I doing 10 years ago? Honestly? I couldn't remember much, except for the fact that I was still in college in 1998 and the future felt like blurry to me. I took a course in Journalism without knowing what will I be after that. I've always wanted Medicine or anything that has got to do with Science.
2. What are 5 things on my to-do list for today? Write an article about rubber, Layout a 32-page magazine, Write a whole bunch of long letters for Lies, Search as much about Mount Kinabalu, and more...
3. Snacks you enjoy? I am crazy about Nagaraya (original flavor). Is a mug of coffee a snack? If yes, that one too.
4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire? It's one hell of a question. It's a cliche but I can't seem to answer it straight. Maybe because I knew, it will (never) happen. Oh yea, I am one helluva pessimist. But for the sake of answering...I'd probably buy a land in Batanes and a private plane so that I could fly there whenever I please.
5. Places you have lived? Caramoran, Catanduanes/ Virac, Catanduanes/ Los Baños, Laguna/ Diliman, Quezon City
6. Who are your next victims? Peter (there's a least a chance that he will buy this crap); Ferdz (because he's kind and considerate); Lies (because I owe her a bunch of letters and this is my one way of saying, "I am still here, alive and still lazy"); Crim (because she needs something to wind away her time); Tien (because I need to know his answer/s in question No. 4); and Tet (because she loves me and she wouldn't mind).